WOW Almost a Yr Since....
Monday, March 14, 2011
I have written on this blog.
I want to make this a morning routine of blogging insha'Allah.
Ok so here goes...I think if it wasnt for my good friend Darcy(Sweets) I probably wouldnt of come back on here. I have been sitting on facebook getting fatter and being in denial.
After my dad died from the leukemia in 09 I just gave up. I have recently gotten divorced. Now I have mixed emotions about the divorce.
So last week I had to sit there and think....NOONE and I mean NOONE is doing this to me but ME!!!! I cant use the excuse that I was sexually abused as a kid so I am an emotional eater so that makes this all ok. I cant use that the abuse and stress that my exs put me through as an excuse either. This has to STOP!!! As they go on w their lives I am KILLING yes KILLING myself!!!! The other day I weighed in at 308.8. How the heck did I do this to myself??? Why did I do??? Why does food have so much control over me??? Its not even the food thats the problems its the DESSERT!!!! Eating is not everything and I have to stop thinking that it is. The way that I am feeling right now I need to go write on my paper journal so I can fuss and cuss bc that what I am feeling that I need to do now. I just made myself have extra work by gaining all this extra unwanted and unneeded weight. What am I doing? I have 3 kiddies masha'Allah. Do I not deserve good? Why am I in denial? I hate hearing that I have a pretty face but...and we know what the but means. My 5 yr old which I never thought would say to me...mommy I think when you go to the doc on wed. the doc is gonna tell you that you are too fat!!! That hurt so bad. He apologized. I have always taught him to NEVER say the word FAT but now he has. I am FAT and I need to realize this. I cant eat like everyone!!! I have to take care of me and my body. Allah swt has only blessed me w one. If I run it down they way that I am doing I will have and be nothing I will be DEAD!!!! WOW this feels so good!!!!