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Monday, March 14, 2011

I have written on this blog.

I want to make this a morning routine of blogging insha'Allah.

Ok so here goes...I think if it wasnt for my good friend Darcy(Sweets) I probably wouldnt of come back on here. I have been sitting on facebook getting fatter and being in denial.

After my dad died from the leukemia in 09 I just gave up. I have recently gotten divorced. Now I have mixed emotions about the divorce.

So last week I had to sit there and think....NOONE and I mean NOONE is doing this to me but ME!!!! I cant use the excuse that I was sexually abused as a kid so I am an emotional eater so that makes this all ok. I cant use that the abuse and stress that my exs put me through as an excuse either. This has to STOP!!! As they go on w their lives I am KILLING yes KILLING myself!!!! The other day I weighed in at 308.8. How the heck did I do this to myself??? Why did I do??? Why does food have so much control over me??? Its not even the food thats the problems its the DESSERT!!!! Eating is not everything and I have to stop thinking that it is. The way that I am feeling right now I need to go write on my paper journal so I can fuss and cuss bc that what I am feeling that I need to do now. I just made myself have extra work by gaining all this extra unwanted and unneeded weight. What am I doing? I have 3 kiddies masha'Allah. Do I not deserve good? Why am I in denial? I hate hearing that I have a pretty face but...and we know what the but means. My 5 yr old which I never thought would say to me...mommy I think when you go to the doc on wed. the doc is gonna tell you that you are too fat!!! That hurt so bad. He apologized. I have always taught him to NEVER say the word FAT but now he has. I am FAT and I need to realize this. I cant eat like everyone!!! I have to take care of me and my body. Allah swt has only blessed me w one. If I run it down they way that I am doing I will have and be nothing I will be DEAD!!!! WOW this feels so good!!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JOYLOVE1972
    I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. You definitely are not alone. It sounds like others, including myself, have had similar experiences. Finding another counselor should help you too, but it seems you taken the hardest step already (acknowledging the problem). You can get through this. emoticon
    3235 days ago
    I am sorry to learn you are having such difficulties. I am extremely glad you have made the decision that you are worth the effort and deserve a quality life. You have a lot of challenges, but you are strong and have overcome many. Your blog reflects many of my issues and struggles. You are not alone and we are here for you when you need a sounding board,
    shoulder, ear, or a little nudge. I have missed you and although life is not always easy welcome an update.
    Best wishes as you work through those challenges. emoticon emoticon
    3235 days ago
    Jen....I was going to counseling recently but I dont know what happened she stop calling me for my appts after we had confirmed. I havent heard from her since the beginning of the month. I will have to look for someone else. Thanks so much I really appreicate it.

    Shanne...Thanks so much. CONGRATS on the weightloss so far for ya. Keep it up!!!!

    Dusty...Thanks sweetie!!!!
    3236 days ago
    Oh, sweetie, you are so right. We do this to ourselves and make excuses so we don't feel so bad. But it stops now! I have been through similar things as you, and I struggled to get through the mental challenges. It was not easy. Are you open to counseling? I strongly recommend it. With the help of a counselor, I was able to realize that feeling my emotions was healthy, and eating to avoid feeling was unhealthy. Which is easy to say and hard to stop...thus the need for help.

    If you want to talk through anything, just let me know. I am here for you. And I will leave you with the parting shot my counselor gave to me during my first session (and trust me when I say I fought long and hard against it before realizing how true it is): There is nothing stopping you from losing weight. If you want to do it, you will.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3236 days ago
    Hi good luck to you. I was 306lbs. Now 290. I hate being fat too! emoticon
    3236 days ago
  • .DUSTY.
    emoticon emoticon
    3236 days ago
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