Reality Slap from a Nice Woman Named Helen
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I needed to blog about this because it is heavy in my mind and heart.
Last night we had a session with DS therapist. He has been seeing someone for a little while, since life got overwhelming for him and we thought he would be helped by talking things out.
I am pretty clearly in touch with myself- pro and con. One big CON, a thing that I always try so hard to keep under control, is my frustration and my yelling. I am Italian- I grew up in a house where everybody yelled- if they needed to or not. In my house, I do the same- I yell for everything....and it has gotten out of hand. I am yelling about things like- clean up your room, why isn't your homework done, leave your brother alone- things that I did not think were damaging or harmful....everyday, frustrating things. When I am in the moment, though, it makes me feel like I am being so much less than I should be.
The therapist told me that in moments when my son feels most stressed, she asked him what kinds of things are going through his head. Why does he make some of the choices he does? One of the things that he said he always hears is me, yelling at him. He feels he can never do what I want and it causes him to feel a lot of unhappiness and stress. In stead of hearing my words of encouragement- and there are many given- he hears the stuff I didn't think he even listened to..
Words have a big impact, whether we think they do or if we think they are just going out the other ear.
My heart aches for how I have made him feel. I apologized to him and told him that I will really make an effort to tone things down and to watch my words. And I will. I started immediately.
I am a mom, and I have lots of bad habits and personality quirks....but when one of my kids is hurting...well- God spare the person who causes them harm- I jump to attention, ready to protect. They are my babies and nothing means more to me. To find that I was the one doing harm really knocked me off my feet. There will not be another day of the craziness that has been going on- although I can't promise I will be perfect, I can promise that I will be present and mindful and trying.
This is just one aspect of our relationship. We have a very fun, wonderful relationship most of the time- but I was happy to know that this one part of it wasn't working- so I can fix it the best I can.
I wish I could turn back time...but I can't. Life is a process, and I am thankful that I am open to learn in this process and that my son will forgive and love me as I hit my own hurdles.
Helen gave me the well needed slap that left a life changing sting.
I love her for it.