I am scared.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I am a smart person. I am constantly re-evaluating myself so as to be a better person to people around me and to myself. I'm not saying this to show off, its just a fact. I make a mistake and I don't just shrug it off. I learn all I can from it. I try to be honest with myself, objective, take the blame if its mine. Saying sorry is hard but it solves so much. On New Year's Day I don't make resolutions. I catalog all the things I've learned and then go try to beat my record.
And while I'm glad I'm this way, I'm realistic about being far from perfect at it.
It actually sort of sucks sometimes to be this way. It sucks to be totally aware when I'm not being honest with myself.
But I prefer it to the alternative of being unaware or uncaring about how my actions effect others, and myself.
Its a constant learning process, and its often a relearning process when I choose to deny certain realities I've discovered. nothing like that moment when I say to myself, "Oh yeah, you knew that but you chose to ignore it! Welcome back to reality sister."
Some things I have to relearn over and over again.
My point is that being smart doesn't make me smart.
I know if I eat a diet of sugary and fatty foods I will not feel as good, my energy will plummet, my brain won't function as effectively, I will be more scatter brained and have trouble focusing, my artistic talents will bottom out, I'll be sad, moody, unsociable. Keep in mind the whole time I'll be kicking myself because I'll know damned well what I have to do to feel better.
And there's the kicker. It fascinates me that I can be so highly aware of what I need to do to fix this but not do it.
I'm so smart but I need something more than smart to do this. To eat right and exercise. To want to eat right and exercise, not just do it until the weight is lost, but to want it, to love it, to crave it. I'm not looking for perfection, just more desire than couch potato time.
So that's where this smart person is. I'm on day 2 and I'm going through the motions and telling myself this is good, this feels good, this is right. And its easy right now. But I'm scared for the time when that first temptation to not exercise, to say yes to that cookie or cake will blow it for me. Because right now I can't have sweets or I'll spiral down.
I'm not depressed or anything about this, I'm feeling great because I've lasted a day and a half, but I've had so many starts. 25 years of starts and I've never stuck with it.
I've also never been this honest with myself. I've never actually said I'm scared. It feels good to say I'm scared. It gives me hope because its something new.
Here's to being scared.