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I am scared.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I am a smart person. I am constantly re-evaluating myself so as to be a better person to people around me and to myself. I'm not saying this to show off, its just a fact. I make a mistake and I don't just shrug it off. I learn all I can from it. I try to be honest with myself, objective, take the blame if its mine. Saying sorry is hard but it solves so much. On New Year's Day I don't make resolutions. I catalog all the things I've learned and then go try to beat my record.

And while I'm glad I'm this way, I'm realistic about being far from perfect at it.

It actually sort of sucks sometimes to be this way. It sucks to be totally aware when I'm not being honest with myself.

But I prefer it to the alternative of being unaware or uncaring about how my actions effect others, and myself.

Its a constant learning process, and its often a relearning process when I choose to deny certain realities I've discovered. nothing like that moment when I say to myself, "Oh yeah, you knew that but you chose to ignore it! Welcome back to reality sister."

Some things I have to relearn over and over again.


My point is that being smart doesn't make me smart.

Example.

I know if I eat a diet of sugary and fatty foods I will not feel as good, my energy will plummet, my brain won't function as effectively, I will be more scatter brained and have trouble focusing, my artistic talents will bottom out, I'll be sad, moody, unsociable. Keep in mind the whole time I'll be kicking myself because I'll know damned well what I have to do to feel better.

And there's the kicker. It fascinates me that I can be so highly aware of what I need to do to fix this but not do it.

I'm so smart but I need something more than smart to do this. To eat right and exercise. To want to eat right and exercise, not just do it until the weight is lost, but to want it, to love it, to crave it. I'm not looking for perfection, just more desire than couch potato time.

So that's where this smart person is. I'm on day 2 and I'm going through the motions and telling myself this is good, this feels good, this is right. And its easy right now. But I'm scared for the time when that first temptation to not exercise, to say yes to that cookie or cake will blow it for me. Because right now I can't have sweets or I'll spiral down.

I'm not depressed or anything about this, I'm feeling great because I've lasted a day and a half, but I've had so many starts. 25 years of starts and I've never stuck with it.

I've also never been this honest with myself. I've never actually said I'm scared. It feels good to say I'm scared. It gives me hope because its something new.

Here's to being scared.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IWANT2BINSHAPE
    It sounds like I wrote this entry. I too am so aware of what I need to do and yet don't. It seems to easy to say at night in bed I will be "good" tomorrow.
    emoticon
    3616 days ago
  • 7356WILMA
    The one thing that is the hardest, is knowing that you will fall down. But you know you'll pick yourself up and get back up. And when you get back up we will be there to help. You can do it!! emoticon
    3626 days ago
  • FORGODNTRAVIS
    Honestly, I know your battle. I have the same thing in my mind, what if I fail? What if one day I eat 3,000 calories, and I gain 2 lbs because of it, but here is the kicker, since I've joined Sparkpeople, I've done that!! I really have, and its okay. What I did, is I looked at what I ate, and decided that instead of buy a BIG bag of chips, I went to those grab bag ones, why? Cuz that'll give me a chance to say no to no more.. After you have those bad days, then just work a little harder the day afterwards, this isn't a race, it isn't a competition, this is a lifestyle change, and as you make changes you are going to have to reanalyze what you are doing, and keep changing small things, until you start to lose weight. So please don't tell yourself, I can never have a piece of cake, or I can never have ice cream again, cuz you can!! You really can!! Why not say, on Saturday, I'm going to go out, and have 1 popsicle, or I am going to buy 1 serving size of Ice Cream, and eat that? Each week, thats what I do, on Sunday after I weigh In, I reward myself with something that I have been wanting!!!

    YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Don't ever forget that, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TOO!! No matter the circumstances!! YOU CAN DO THIS!! You can, and we all have faith in you, and are here for your good days, bad days, and days that are in between!!!

    :)

    Hugs!!!
    3626 days ago
  • MARAHAB
    emoticon , you've made the move to get you into a healthy lifestyle. There will be days when exercise is curtailed and you have one too many treats. That is not the end. You just have to make sure it is a special treat and not have them every day.
    3626 days ago
  • LMCCARTHY75
    you are going to be fine be brave we are all here.i know it is hard just keep going emoticon
    3626 days ago
  • QUEENCREOLE
    Be brave! You are a confident woman in order to start this journey! We are all here for encouragement! Welcome to Spark! emoticon
    3626 days ago
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