I feel a tad sheepish talking about confidence my first week here. I'm not boasting, just celebrating and I want to shout it from the rooftops.
For the very first time in my life I dealt with my feelings by thinking and not eating.
Today was the day I usually end the diet, say screw it I'll try starting again some other time. Next Monday, first of the month, yadda yadda insert lame excuse. 6 days wasted. Yep, I would have considered them wasted because I had given up.
But I didn't give up.
I thought about it.
All week since I restarted Spark I've thought about who I want to be, who I can be, who I need to be, why I overeat, why I don't just lose the weight, why I don't stick to a healthy diet, why I can want something so badly and not achieve it. Why am I like this?
Some of it I'm figuring out but mostly I'm realizing its all about wanting to change. Three simple words.
Want to change.
I've known it for years but this week I've really learned it for the first time. I have to change. I have to love myself more than stupid bad days. I have to respect myself.
I had a bad morning and I wanted to say screw it, but because I'm not the same person I was a week ago I didn't screw it. I went for a walk and thought about it. And really there wasn't much to figure out, because it never really took much in the past to get me off track, and this wasn't much and I kind of laughed.
And I've had a great day. Other things have gone wrong, but because I stayed on track its been a great day. Hard but great.
I know I will have slips in the future but for once I feel prepared to work through them rather than give up. I've done it once I can do it again. I have my tools, my sense of humor, this site and the ability to think and want to change and love myself above all else.
The best part is I've only been here 6 days, I haven't even weighed in yet so I haven't lost a single pound but I already feel 50 pounds lighter.
That is so cool. For once its not about what a scale is telling me. Its about something much more substantial.
Thanks for listening.