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Worst Day of My Life

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Three years ago today was the very worst day of my life.

My stepmother of 25 years, who I loved so much, died of breast cancer. I was with her at the end, along with my little sister Lucy. I will never forget the look on my 17 year old sister's face the moment that her mom's heart stopped beating.

Also, I broke my leg. Yes, the SAME day. And I was 6 weeks preggo with my now 2 year old. So no pain killers. And I wasn't sure if I was going to lose the baby. And I was 1,000 miles from home.

And it's all a hundred times more sad and ugly and awful than that. Because death and grieving bring out the worst in people sometimes.

These anniversaries always mess with my head. And make me emotional. And I thought I could write about it because I was ready and it's been three years and it all came raining down on me this week THAT I WASN'T.

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I DELETED THE REST OF THIS POST BECAUSE I HAD BLOGGER'S REMORSE BUT LET'S JUST SAY THAT SOMEONE I LOVE HURT MY FEELINGS AND IT FELT LIKE I GOT PUNCHED IN THE F*CKING FACE AND THEN I FORGAVE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE HAVING A ROUGH TIME RIGHT NOW AND I THINK ITS ALL GOING TO BE OK.
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  • GURU_LOUISE
    Oh, Julie. These anniversaries are SO tough. Check out my blog post from two weeks ago--I was a trainwreck. And I lost my mom in high school! I think the toughest part about grief is that it sneaks up on you. I don't think you ever get over your grief completely....you just learn to live with it. In my experience the easiest way to live with the grief is to acknowledge it...square up and look it in the eye and find a way to honor your loved one. I didn't know your stepmom but I guarantee you honor her everyday when you pull your kids in close for a hug...or write a blog post that saves another mom from running away to join the circus. Hang in there!
    3587 days ago
  • GURU_LOUISE
    Oh, Julie. These anniversaries are SO tough. Check out my blog post from two weeks ago--I was a trainwreck. And I lost my mom in high school! I think the toughest part about grief is that it sneaks up on you. I don't think you ever get over your grief completely....you just learn to live with it. In my experience the easiest way to live with the grief is to acknowledge it...square up and look it in the eye and find a way to honor your loved one. I didn't know your stepmom but I guarantee you honor her everyday when you pull your kids in close for a hug...or write a blog post that saves another mom from running away to join the circus. Hang in there!
    3587 days ago
  • YCAMOMMY
    BTDT ... bloggers remorse sucks. I am sorry about your stepmom, and I'm so very sorry for Lucy. Please know that we are here for you, and we care about you. We love you, sweet friend. *huge hugs*
    3590 days ago
  • ALLIECAT1881
    Bloggers remorse, I know it well. At least you got to get it out there. Just writing feels good sometimes... and reading it over and over and over and over again. Whatever it is, I hope you find a resolution. There are some things that cannot be forgiven no matter what the circumstances in their life are. We are going through that right now... I just wrote out the whole story and then deleted it lol. ;) If you want to know, ask.
    3590 days ago
  • DENAROX
    I dont have words of wisdom because i am never quite good with the death topic but i am good at (((HUGS)))
    3590 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8923508
    ((hugs)) for you. Just hugs, prayers, and hope that things will get as good as they can be considering all that has happened.
    I'm sorry for your loss. All of them.
    hugs again.

    And no pain mess with a broken leg? wow.
    you are a warrior already.
    3590 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/31/2011 12:30:19 AM
  • MONKEEANDTHEBEE
    Awww, I am so sorry for your loss and all the craptasticness that came after.

    Sometimes, we lash out the hardest on the ones we love the most because we know that no matter what we say or do, they'll always be there and the ugly has to come out somehow and someone we care for less might just walk away, and then we'd have to deal with the ugly AND rejection. (and huge run-on sentences ;) )

    Just love them. Even if it requires NOT speakng to them for a little while. Love them, and be there for when they're sorry.
    And ask Kate for a hug and to share an extra t-box with you while you wait :)




    3590 days ago
  • SHEROTT1
    I am so sorry! I lost my mom almost 4 years ago so I can relate to how you feel. I don't know if you can ever get past it, you just learn to live with it. Sometimes life is so unfair. Today one of my best friends is having surgery for breast cancer and she is only 39!! I hope that your day gets better! Just know that there are people out there cheering you on!
    3590 days ago
  • no profile photo SEWING_CHIC
    Anniversaries of trauma suck monkey balls, don't they? Hugs :)
    3590 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9656784
    Julie -
    Why is it that when shizz happens - it happens all at once? Maybe to clear the way for a day (someday) where nothing at all will go wrong.

    I hope your loved one is remorseful - and I hope the two of you can move past it to better times. And I hope it wasn't the Cap'n - cuz that would suck.

    For what it is worth - way out here in Tacoma - I wake up, turn on my computer and check RFML to see if there is a new post - it is better than coffee. I think of both of you every day - and your kids. When I looked down at my (clean?) sweater this afternoon on the way to my weight loss class - there was a boob stain! I laughed, and knew if you had been there you would have laughed too.

    So - from all of us - hugs - and know that we love you.
    Here is to a better tomorrow!
    Sandie
    3590 days ago
  • RUNNINGMOM_OF_3
    Wow. I am so terribly sorry for the pain you endured 3 years ago, and what you are going through now. I recently was 'punched' by a good friend, and while we are still friends, like you said, things will never be the same. Good for you for holding it all together and for taking time to put you first. Take care, and thank you for sharing. emoticon
    3590 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4534979
    WOW have I been there before. However, the good news is that you will heal. The pain will subside, you will forgive and your will move on. Will the area be bruised and tender to the touch for a while....ABSOLUTELY!

    I have, for the better part of two years, been wrestling with some very powerful emotions towards someone who used to be my "go to girl." What I realized is that people change and situations change and sometimes not for the better. However, while I mourn what our relationship used to be, I am learning not to hold that against her. Some days are better than others, but I understand that I can't control life, jobs, situations, or people's feelings.

    I feel your pain, but know from experience "This Too Shall Pass!" In the meantime, here's a BIG JUICY HUG and KISS emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3590 days ago
  • THEMIGHTYLILLIE
    Letting go and forgiving is hard in general life without adding a stinging pain from the past on top of it all. I am sorry you have had a tough week..... but, one thing you CAN say is that YOU control your life now and you are more equipped to handle all that regular life throws at you.

    Don't forget to focus on you and your health while you are doing that laundry and loving your family. You are worth the time and energy it takes to be healthy... if it means all you do is the simple stuff, like 10 minutes of exercise or making one better choice at each meal.... you deserve it. Have a good few days.
    3590 days ago
  • STEADYON
    (((HUGS))) I am SO sorry! I am proud of you for take your stand and not letting others hurt you again.


    3590 days ago

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