I've lost my femininity and I want it back

I am a terrible dresser. I'm not feminine at all, I generally buy men's clothes because they cover my lack of curves, I don't wear dresses or skirts. I avoid fancy get togethers because I feel like a hypocrite dressing up this frumpy overweight body in a nice outfit. Who am I kidding?

I'm self employed, single, live alone, I work mostly at home in the winter, I live in an extremely secluded area, all of this has reinforced making it easy to finally resort to the lazy fat person's excuse for clothes.

SPANDEX pants. Yay!

I have actually rationalized this being okay by convincing myself its much better than a moo moo. Besides, that would be way too feminine for me, not that say, Homer Simpson in a moo moo is feminine (ever seen that episode?). Oh great. I just officially realized I am less feminine than Homer Simpson. Ha!

I've also rationalized that I'm wearing spandex because its comfortable, which they of course are. But they also fit better than all of my too tight jeans and other pants.

I've never thought about this out loud, meaning I've only prodded these dark thoughts in the back of my mind where they can easily be swept into that cluttered corner called denial before escaping. I've let those reclusive thoughts influence my poor self image of myself. But today I'm tossing them out for a look see. In broad daylight.

Its kind of refreshing. Not as scary as I'd thought. I mean its all fixable right? A lot of people have way worse problems they can't fix. Excessive weight can be terminal, but unlike so many diseases I can change its course. Practically 100% if I want to.

I'm 46 years old. I have no other health problems except for the weight. I can walk, run, lift weights, its all do-able. How cool is that? How unbelievably stinking cool is it that I can change what I don't currently like?

Not that it won't be hard. Its already hard. But its not terminal cancer hard. Its not losing a loved one hard. And that is something to remember. I can do this. I can face this. I can change inside and out.

So here is one of my worst fears.

I've lost my femininity.

When I do dress up, which consists of a nice shirt, jeans, actually "doing" my hair, and a touch of makeup, I feel ridiculous. I think I feel ridiculous because I'm revealing that I can look good but I'm too lazy to put in the effort most of the time. I'm showing the world how lazy I really am.

I know its low self esteem. Looking good brings on attention, people saying "you look nice", and I don't feel nice. I feel disappointed, shameful that I eat more than I need to and I don't work out.

Trying to lose the weight, going to that gym... doing those things is admitting I'm right.

But really, only from a certain point of view. A crappy self defeating point of view.

From a kind, hopeful, self supportive point of view, eating better and going to the gym are fantastically awesome changes.

So I'm going to face it. One of my big fears. I'm going to get back my femininity. I am going to recapture my confidence about my self image to the point where I can dress to the hilt in public and feel good about being feminine.

I'm going to start by feeling good about myself now, dressing better now, looking more confident to help me feel more confident, prettier.

I've always been a tom boy so I'm not looking to be the frilly queen or anything, but I'm going to be feminine again.

My ultimate goal is to catch a man admiring me.

Today's goal is no more spandex unless I'm working out.

I'm going shopping for real pants.