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Friday, April 15, 2011

There is so much going on that I don't know where to start! A year ago, I was motivated and doing well at eating healthy and exercising and was making progress at losing the weight. I felt confident and beautiful and hopeful for a bright future. Then somewhere along the way everything just fell apart. I didn't see it coming or maybe I just didn't want to. So now here I am back up at my starting weight (at least it's not higher?!), I am taking anti-depressant medication that doesn't seem to work most days, single and hating it, jobless and frustrated. Sometimes I sit and eat and wonder why I'm eating because I know I'm not hungry and I know it's not good for me, but I just can't seem to find the will to stop. I constantly make bad decisions knowing that the consequences will only pull my mood further and further down. It's a vicious cycle and I don't wanna ride this ride anymore. I am so tired of "fighting" this fight. I feel angry at people that have never had to deal with obesity. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are. Yesterday I was thinking about my family and how disconnected I am from them. The only person I talk to anymore is my mother. Then I realized why. I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT IS OVERWEIGHT! None of my aunts, uncles, or cousins are overweight. I wondered if they even think about me or wonder how I am doing. I wonder what they think of me, if I am just lazy, and lacking in self-control. It's very easy to get sucked down into despair and berate myself for everything I'm not and everything I fail at doing. But I realized today, that if I am going to pull myself out of this dark hole, I need people around me that can help me to be positive and focus on what I CAN do. I think that through my entire weight loss "career" I have always been lacking one thing. Support from people who truly care about what I need. I have the knowledge to lose weight, I have the tools (treadmill, elliptical, videos, etc.) and I definitely have the desire. I can honestly say that I have hope today for the first time in a long time. Now I just need to stay focused on today, making smart choices one at a time, staying connected with the 518 one post at a time. Thank you to everyone that has welcomed me back, I hope that I can be as supportive to you as you have been to me!!
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  • JURI62
    HOW do you get there? By being honest, open and willing!
    And stick with the winners!
    I heard someone say most people if put in a room and told
    everyone else's problems, 90% would pick up their own problems when they left. We can't judge our insides by other peoples outsides.
    We are all here for you'
    Hugs, Judy
    3562 days ago
    In several ways I can say- I've been there. I still find myself angry at people who have never known a day in their lives as an overweight person... I find even more contempt with those who complain about 'looking fat' when they couldnt possibly weight more than 115lbs, soaking wet in a winter parka.

    You and I may never have crossed paths before, I barely wrote on here and did my basics to keep active (logged my food, huddled etc) But this time I am truly realizing the strength of motivated positive supportive people, aka our spark buddies, and I've noticed the 518 team is spectacular.

    the biggest thing, is keeping yourself honest- like you said holding yourself accountable, we are in charge of our own bodies- WE CAN DO THIS!! emoticon
    3565 days ago
    Thanks Carrie and Karen!!! The way I look at it, if I am sharing what's really going on inside and not hiding, I will hold myself more accountable and will have friends that can help me to be more objective about life. I'm tired of being tired. Tired of sitting around wishing I had more energy! Especially when I KNOW that if I just get up and exercise a little, I will have more energy!! Thanks for the support! I don't know what I would do without my friends!
    3567 days ago
  • KAYWEB555
    Girl Friend You are never alone! There are many people out here that know exactly how and what you are feeling. Many people can't express themselves as well as you have done here. Standing in the doorway of your life, waiting for you to take that next step and here it is and I"m glad that you came back to the 518 ! Love you, Kay & The Pups emoticon
    3567 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5127867
    You're right, the way to start this journey is one step at a time. Pick one thing and do it for a week, then add to it. You'll be surprised. And, remember, we're here for you.
    3567 days ago
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