Friday, April 15, 2011
There is so much going on that I don't know where to start! A year ago, I was motivated and doing well at eating healthy and exercising and was making progress at losing the weight. I felt confident and beautiful and hopeful for a bright future. Then somewhere along the way everything just fell apart. I didn't see it coming or maybe I just didn't want to. So now here I am back up at my starting weight (at least it's not higher?!), I am taking anti-depressant medication that doesn't seem to work most days, single and hating it, jobless and frustrated. Sometimes I sit and eat and wonder why I'm eating because I know I'm not hungry and I know it's not good for me, but I just can't seem to find the will to stop. I constantly make bad decisions knowing that the consequences will only pull my mood further and further down. It's a vicious cycle and I don't wanna ride this ride anymore. I am so tired of "fighting" this fight. I feel angry at people that have never had to deal with obesity. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are. Yesterday I was thinking about my family and how disconnected I am from them. The only person I talk to anymore is my mother. Then I realized why. I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT IS OVERWEIGHT! None of my aunts, uncles, or cousins are overweight. I wondered if they even think about me or wonder how I am doing. I wonder what they think of me, if I am just lazy, and lacking in self-control. It's very easy to get sucked down into despair and berate myself for everything I'm not and everything I fail at doing. But I realized today, that if I am going to pull myself out of this dark hole, I need people around me that can help me to be positive and focus on what I CAN do. I think that through my entire weight loss "career" I have always been lacking one thing. Support from people who truly care about what I need. I have the knowledge to lose weight, I have the tools (treadmill, elliptical, videos, etc.) and I definitely have the desire. I can honestly say that I have hope today for the first time in a long time. Now I just need to stay focused on today, making smart choices one at a time, staying connected with the 518 one post at a time. Thank you to everyone that has welcomed me back, I hope that I can be as supportive to you as you have been to me!!