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Falling backwards...

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sometimes I just don't get it...I sabotage myself at every turn, it seems, and I don't understand WHY I do that. I joined a weight loss challenge at work last month; I figured it'd be easy, hey, I was already losing weight, was heading below 190. But, as soon as I joined, I gained, yes, GAINED 10 pounds! What the heck is wrong with me? Everyone comments on my lunches, how healthy they are, and I walk all over the store, all day. Wearing the pedometer at work has shown me just how much I DO walk (one day I racked up 17,858 steps!), and yet I am feeling puffy, lethargic, and let's face it, FAT. I'm tired and discouraged and feel like giving up.
Looking over a previous blog entry, I was about to break up with my boyfriend back in November; but of course I procrastinated for a couple months (can't break up with someone over the holidays, that's just cruel...). He found a job, started in December, and has started to bring in some much needed income into the house. And because of his job, he's lost 15-20 pounds in a month! He's finally weighing less than me...so of course I'm even MORE discouraged. I did write him a letter, letting him know how I feel about our relationship, and that I felt it was time to call it quits. Well, he was devastated...and then he wrote ME a letter, giving all the reasons why we should stay together. A lot of it was laced with guilt aimed at me; it was MY idea to come out to New Mexico, we used HIS credit card for the move and now he's in debt and because he wasn't working, he fell in arrears and now has a terrible credit rating. He loves me just SO much and he apologized for being so distant the past year. He's trying to make it up to me by taking me out to dinner a lot, but I don't want him to waste his money on meals all the time. I've told him, he needs to save up for a bike or some other means of transporation, since the bus system out here leaves a lot to be desired (like more routes and more run times!) and having just one car is becoming a real hassle.
I feel like I've fallen into a pool of negativity, and I want to give up, and I'm killing myself with food, all the wrong kinds and too much of it. I don't really want to be with him anymore, but now it's a question of survival...we need each other in order to be comfortable, get our bills paid on time, get enough food in the house for each other's needs, share in the chores so all of it doesn't fall on just one person. Crappy reasons to stay together, but it's all I have right now. I wish I didn't have so much pain, both physically and emotionally. I'm at a point where I feel lost and useless and ugly, and FAT, and I'm tired of it! I was so happy when I was able to buy some clothes a size down from my usual; now I'm going to have to wait to be able to wear the stuff. Frustrating, and I don't see a solution.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks for your kind words, Flame and Thisyearsmodel! I am definitely going to keep my focus on the big picture, and you're right, I've pretty well in the grand scheme of things. I have developed better eating habits, and I do more exercise than I used to, and I have lost (and kept off) the first 35 pounds. So yeah, I have done well, and I wiil keep doing better...it's just "right now" that has me down. But I WILL get myself back up again, and start losing this weight and keep the NEXT 20 pounds off...and so on until I get to where I want to be. Thanks again, all of you!
    3645 days ago
    Ditto This Years Model.

    Look at the total progress you have made. Sometimes the scale goes back on us. Sometimes our body rebels. Sometimes we just need to hug ourselves and share a little love witho ourself...

    Take your right arm. cross it over your body and gran your lefy shoulder. Take your left arm. Cross it over your body and gran your right shoulder. Squuese.

    you just gave yourself a hug!
    3645 days ago
    Look at your tracker. Go on, look. I'll sit here and wait...[whistles a tune]

    Now, did you happen to notice on your tracker how much TOTAL progress you've made? That's what you have to focus on.

    Start again, small. Drink your water and track everything you eat, the good, the bad and the ugly. That will help you get back and motivated.

    3645 days ago
    Guavagirl, thank you for your kind comments and hugs, I sure could use them. I'm generally the one who's "up", who gives everyone a good hug and pat on the back, but I guess I'm the one who needs it now. I will try to pull myself out of this doldrum, and soon, since I really don't like to wallow in self-pity...it doesn't get you anywhere except further down. Thank you again for your kindness!
    3646 days ago
    Oh sweetie, I just read your blog and I am sending big, gigantic, huge hugs!!! While everyone's circumstances are different, we certainly all have these times when it seems like nothing is going right. I'm going through a time like that right now, too. What I just keep telling myself is that things will get better. We may fall into negativity and worry and stress for a while, but we always pull ourselves out. Try to find just one thing that is going well and hang on to that. Soon other things will start to turn around, too, and before you know it, you will be out of the bad time and into a good time!
    3646 days ago
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