Friday, June 03, 2011
So I havent been on in a few months..guess since like April. Been busy with working on the new house we bought..demo'ing the house sounds easy..well its not. Im sore in places I never knew I could be sore in haha! Had alot of up and down moments about my weight lately...I think I have came to the point where I just dont care no more..im always going to be like this I feel..then I think to myself..I will if I dont do something about it..but I cant stick it things like this ..idk why. My fault no one else's. My weight has also cause alot of issues with my fiance and myself..I just cant grasp that someone loves me for ME. Idk just seems very odd to me..so there is alot of issues on that area..I always heard that you cant love someone unless you love yourself..I feel like thats a load..I know I love him but I feel like you cant FEEL the act of love unless you love yourself..I say this because I hate myself on a daily basis..which Im guessing is why I feel its hard to feel love from anyone else. I was in the bathroom few nights ago..had the light off..doing my business and my fiance walks in..he is like "why are you sitting in dark using the bathroom" I told him some BS about "oh I thought light burnt out..yadda yadda.." truth is..I cant look myself in mirror.
Summer is near...yay! NOT. the family pool will be opening soon at my future in laws...i will be the only one not swimming..sorry but I refuse to even get in a whole suit..and I wont refuse to look like the odd one out with a top over my swimsuit...so guess ill be sitting out in a chair while everyone has fun. Oh well use to that...
I wish I had people in my real daily life that understood me...My fiance dont..no one does..his family is all pretty much skinny...well his sister is heavy but not as much as me..and she seems ok with her body..talking to her is a option but we arent close in that kinda way so idk..just be weird.
I hope all my friends on here are doing well..I missed you all.