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Gorilla, Don't Take Me Down Now

Sunday, July 10, 2011

[Scene: I am bipolar, leaning very heavily on the depressed side. I have struggled with depression all my life, even as a little girl. Though my meds are regulated, I know that this thing (depression) is a part of my life and always will be. And I like to call the thing GORILLA. It's 'out there' waiting, hovering, checking for weaknesses....

Though this paints a rather grim picture, I am so grateful for the treatments available nowadays, as just a generation or so ago, I would have been living in some kind of hospital environment for probably my whole life. That is, if I were lucky enough not to walk downtown streets talking to myself in plate glass windows, because the hospital released me with nowhere to go and not enough help getting there, yet again. Oh sorry, tangent.

Anyway, I just try to remember what my grandmother always told me. Years ago, I used to complain that I had to take medicine every day for the rest of my life. And my grandmother would tell me, "Lisa, you need to be grateful that there *is* medicine you can take that lets you lead a normal life." She was so smart. And a million other wonderful, awesome adjectives, too. Man, I loved her. So now you get the picture. /Scene]

Being back at SparkPeople these last few weeks has helped to pull me out of a month-long depression that was pretty danged intense. Worse than I have had in a long time. And I just realized Friday when talking to my mom - that SP is the reason I came out of it.

Silly me - I thought it had just ended....or that I'd conquered the gorilla myself ....or whatever.

And then I realized it fading coincided with my getting back active here. Duh. Hello - duh. Lisa - you're so daft, sometimes, I swear! emoticon

And so, anyway, I had quite the argument with someone close to me yesterday. *shiver* was it ever bad.

And I feel myself falling back in the hole with the gorilla. Or I feel like the gorilla body-slammed me and I'm just having trouble getting up. Like, a *lot* of trouble.

But there is this part of me that is screaming, no! No! No! Things were just picking up! We just got OUT of that hole! Not again!!!!!

So I've been on SP, a lot last night and now again today - holding onto it like an anti-gorilla life preserver!

I know I'm still upset and I'm not going to just shove it down and ignore it or whatever. So that's that - I gotta feel it.

But I also know there are things I can do to stay out of that blankety-blank hole and keep the gorilla outside the windows! And one of them is being here!!!!!

So here I am.

I'm bummed. Things are kinda rotten. But I'm here - hangin' on and lettin' ya'll know what's up.

I'm fully aware that the gorilla will continue to win in my life - that is just the deck of cards I'm dealing with. But that sonofagun is not gettin' me again this soon!

And that's that!

emoticon's comin', just hang on! emoticon and so can I!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LISAMARIEMARY
    Thank you so much, Kristin! Big {{{{HUGS}}}} to you! emoticon
    3376 days ago
  • WILDFIREKRISTIN
    Rock on and bring in the sun! I have depression and wow do I know how it feels to be knocked down and feel like you can't get up. You are beating this and slowly but surely you will do this and I hope this sun continues, but even when it doesn't girl search for the sun because living in the light is wonderful and we deserve wonderful don't we?

    Take good care of you!
    3376 days ago
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