Sunday, July 10, 2011
(July 9, 2011)
It is somewhere around midnight.
I’m sitting on the couch alone, my face lit by the simultaneous glares of the large flat screen TV on my left, and my laptop open on my lap.
I’m watching Saturday Night Live,
Reading Spark pages
And listening to music.
Wondering why I am not tired yet.
I am obsessing over food.
One in particular: a whoopie pie.
I’m sitting here planning how to get one.
I had my first one on Monday,
The sheer pleasure of that calorie bomb has remained on my mind ever since.
370 calories per serving.
Each package is 2 servings.
740 calories total.
Purchased and swallowed whole in 5 minutes.
Cream all over my hand.
Smushed cake decorating my fingers and mouth.
Clogged arteries withering throughout my worn out body.
An insult to my dietary intelligence.
A regression in my nutritional progress.
I’m plotting how to get another one.
I’ve been reading some spark blogs.
I used to read them just for inspiration and motivation, but
More often than not, I just read them for fun.
Sometimes, I have an aha moment. Makes me reevaluate some misguided thought I was having.
Like the brilliance of plotting to get that whoopie pie.
Right now, I am reading about motivation – how to get it, what kinds are good.
How motivation can stop you from making bad choices.
Or encourage you to make smarter ones.
Someone said if you want to stop a behavior, if you truly want to stop it, you make the effort to stop it.
When I think about my life and how I've changed it, I see that she is right.
I changed many of my bad behaviors because I made the effort to change.
I could change my mind about that whoopie pie.
The problem is
I have been imagining how it looks wrapped so neatly in its simplistic clear packaging.
I feel the silkiness of the cream on my tongue.
Taste its sickly sweetness
I revel in the memory of its sumptuousness
And I have made up my mind to be weak.
I have been trying to figure out when the store that sells the whoopie pies opens.
I have been planning to walk up the street to get one.
Up the street is 1.3 miles long.
I would like the exercise,
I decided that if the store is closed when I walk there, I will sit in the neighboring park and wait until it opens up.
Whatever time that is
Because I like sitting in the park,
Because I am obsessed me with that whoopie pie.
Its creamy center and soft cookie-cake outsides.
It is a willed obsession.
I’ve let it take over the parts of my mind that could be focusing on more positive outlets.
I have to be honest about that.
Here I sit,
Watching a rerun of a show that didn't particularly impress me the first time.
Listening to songs that play in my head when they are not playing on my radio.
Perusing articles about intrinsic motivation and how to find some.
And all I care about is
How can I get another whoopie pie?