Tuesday, August 09, 2011
I'm frightened by what the scale is telling me. Apparently I can in fact gain weight... I got a new scale, to replace my non-working one. It's been a while. To my surprise my strengths and ability to move is improved though I've packed on 20 pounds. I am terrified. I'm not into dying just yet. I really am sitting here afraid of this typing just here now.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to fix this. I brought my groceries up the stairs last night and I honestly thought I was going to expire before I got them in the door. I felt my heart labor. I need to arrange local support. The elevator is not working, I guess I will just have to take the cart all the way down and around, because I don't think I should allow that myself to do that again.
So, I am taking my fear and turning it toward what I know. I know when I follow SparkPeople diet and log my food, I don't gain. And that has to start to stop right now. I will not over-react and not eat at all. I will just count the calories. I will log them. And I will make friends with fruit again and all will be so much less scary in my body right now.
Outside the thunder is booming and it suits my mood. I'm in high dungeon. I'm mad at and with Mother Nature. Me and her will have to work on this together.
At the grocery last night I met a man and chatted him up and it was fun flirting. He didn't ask for my number or try to hook up with me later, of course, I'm as big as I ever was, in my motorized shopping cart. It's just not attractive. I gotta get back to just huge instead of super huge. I don't want to over-achieve in the weight gain arena.
I hope I feel well enough to hit the gym. I wanna be a sore loser... It sure beats dying young. I have a swim suit they have a pool. It could happen.