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[Un]necessary roughness...

Thursday, September 01, 2011

The past few weeks have been a rather difficult set to manage. I'm lucky to have friends and family who love me. But, even then, its hard not to feel alone when things go bad.

My financial situation took on an odd change(s) recently. I've made some changes to try to fix it, but I still struggle with it. Some of these changes have left a few members of my family feeling betrayed (not by my actions) and I am left feeling guilty and like an even bigger loser than I already feel. This has also left a sort of rift in the relationships of my close family members. I feel guilty about that, too. And deeply saddened that this is all happening. The end result has been a state of depression and constant stress for me. I don't think there's a way I can rectify the situation unless I were to be miraculously employed full-time, complete with full benefits, and a good car already paid for was thrown in for good measure. Since the rest of the situation isn't my fault, its not my place to try to 'fix' things. And attempting to do so would probably worsen my stress and sadness.

As I struggle to maintain control of myself and emotions, I'm still dealing with this gallbladder thing. I had an appointment with a surgeon that went well... I suppose. It was really more of an informative thing more than anything. I was given adequate details of the procedures of the surgeries (laparoscope and traditional), as well as what was involved in recovery, potential complications, etc. This appointment included a hand-drawn diagram and the use of a chart. Very thorough, indeed. A test was ordered for figuring the function of the gallbladder. I was injected with a radioactive tracer to see the gallbladder. Then I laid under a camera that took multiple pictures of my gallbladder for 30 solid minutes. Then they analyzed it. I got the results of that test today while I was at work. Luckily there were no customers in the store at the time. Turns out my gallbladder is functioning within the "normal" parameters (something like 74 or 79%) and in order for it to be considered a dud it had to be functioning in the 'hood of 30-35%. I was so disappointed when I heard the news I immediately burst into tears. If my gallbladder is functioning so well, why am I in so much pain? Why have I had to continually eliminate foods from my diet (like red meat, oatmeal, peanut butter, carbonated or bubbly beverages, raw hearty vegetables...) because they cause me so much pain when I eat them? Why is it that when I'm already in pain no painkillers help relieve it? That does not sound like a gallbladder that is functioning "normally" to me. Luckily, I get to plead my case to the surgeon. I hope I can persuade him to remove it anyway.

Because of this pain, I feel so stuck and stagnated in my life. I feel like I can't move forward because I don't want to start something I'm going to have to stop or pause to have a surgery/recover. I want to finish up my AS in nutrition so that I can start on the stuff I need for the Master's Program I want to apply for. I don't want to take too many classes in case I have to pause/stop and won't be able to catch up in time before the semester ends. I feel like I can't get another/better job because I don't want to start it and then "Oh, um, sorry, I need to have surgery. I'll be out for a few weeks/months." I don't want to start the Master's program because I have a schedule to stick with when it comes to that. I have 24 months to complete the degree and THAT'S IT. Unfortunately, that schedule isn't conducive to having surgery. I can't take time off.

And another big thing is because of the pain and my limited eating, I don't feel like I'm able to take in enough food to properly fuel a workout. I want to hit the treadmill again, I want to do another bootcamp or take a class, or something. But, if I'm undernourished and tired (and depressed) all the time, I can't expect to gain anything from working out except fatigue. And probably soreness. I was so happy on my path to good health and weight loss. I dropped a pant size. I'd like to drop more pant sizes. But, at this point in time I feel like I'm stuck. Completely unable to do any kind of exercise. This is not a position I want to be in either.

A few other things have just compounded my feelings lately, and simply for the sake of getting them off my chest, here they are: 3 of my closest friends have left San Diego (2 for a long, long, if not permanent amount of time; the other for several months). Its made me happy for them and their opportunities of course, but super sad that they aren't going to be a regular part of my life anymore. I cried [hard] when they left. I'm still sad about it. Also, my glasses finally fell apart completely last week. They were being held together by not much more than hope and some precariously placed super glue. They are almost 2 or 3 years old at this point, so I'm not surprised they've disintegrated on me. It just couldn't have come at a worse time. For realzies. I had my annual ladies' exam and that didn't go so well either. So, I've had to change my strategy some so that I don't screw up my lady bits any more than I may have already potentially. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Right now my plan of attack on this one is to do nothing. Woo! Am taking my first math class in YEARS!!! YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS!!! Its elementary statistics. I'm terrified. I'm not now, nor have I ever been EVER, good at the maths. I did my first homework assignment for the class last night... HOLE. E. CRAP. This is going to suck. A LOT. I tried to have a positive attitude going in, I'm still trying to keep a positive attitude, despite everything ever, but I'm being realistic here. This is going to be an epic struggle. I also found out that thanks to my wonderful, oh-so-useful Bachelor's Degree, I am not qualified for financial aid at school. And apparently I have too much money being "donated" to my living expenses to qualify for government aid (like food stamps).

Okay. I'm done. I feel like I'm being very negative, and hey, ya know what, that's just where I am right now. Life is not working out too great, and that happens. I'm not apologizing for it. I'm trying not to whine about it. I just feel helpless and small in this situation. But, I'm glad for the Bible verse I have written on my bathroom mirror to remind myself of the good that can come from all the b.s.

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope. Rom 5:3-4

On the plus side, I got a haircut that I really love. :-)
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