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Grief...

Monday, September 12, 2011

Just wanting to get my first blog posted after Austin's passing. In case some don't know, Austin passed on 7/16. He never came back out of the coma after 7/12 and by the 16th his major organ systems were failing, due to the brain damage. He was a blessing to me and so many others in his short 15 years and I will miss him terribly.

I just don't have the heart to exercise. I try to tell myself that Austin wouldn't want me to let all of my hard work slip away, but I also know, when I'm ready I'll get back into tracking and THINKING about what I need to do. That's really it - - I just don't have the energy to THINK about it. My brain is too busy grieving, and processing my new reality.

I know Austin is in heaven and probably has been since he went into the coma. Austin had prayed for Jesus to come to his room about 4 months before the episode, so he could ask Him some questions. I was so sure that Austin was with Jesus during his coma and that he was getting the answers he needed. I was also pretty sure Jesus was going to give him back. Guess, I don't really blame Him . . . I wanted to keep Austin too.

A few things have occurred to me these past months:
1. How proud I can be that Austin, at just 15 years old, had accomplished whatever task he was sent here for. And I continue to witness the impact his life has had on people who knew him and even some who didn't.
2. I believe now that God had been preparing me and Austin. I believe Austin's many medical issues were God's way of baby stepping me to this. when it was necessary, I was able to flip into serious medical issue mode and focus on what the doctors were telling us, and understand when time really started to run out and make the really, really hard decisions. No one else in our family would have been able to do that. Austin had been curious about death and asking questions, I thought, because of a medical issue with Grandpa. But some of those discussion we had now hit home for me in a much different way.
3. I will be missing him for a very long time! But ultimately I will see him again!! Hopefully, he is saving me a really great seat!!

So now, I just have to figure out how to find the motivation to get myself back on track. I'm going to be gentle with myself and not beat myself up, because my heart and soul needs time to heal.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BUBBLEBABS
    Austin was one of those people that makes an impact on everyone he meets. He was a great kid who really lived his life. You should be proud of yourself too. You and your husband gave him what he needed to make the most out of his short life. I think Shannon said it best, my heart aches for your grieving. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel. If your up to it (and you read this by then), we can walk at midway tomorrow! If your not ready, that's okay too. Just take care of yourself. emoticon
    3222 days ago
  • WOODSYGIRL
    Oh my friend, I can't begin to tell you how much I've been praying for you. You come into my mind many times throughout the day and my heart aches for your grieving. I've wanted to write, but also wanted to give you time and space to just breathe. I think you are so wise to be gentle with yourself and to just take each day as it comes. You are doing the healthy thing by focusing on healing your heart. The rest will follow when it's supposed to. I have no doubt that Jesus and Austin had some pretty powerful talks while he was in the hospital. Austin's faith humbles me, because no matter what he was going through at various times throughout his life, his faith never waivered. We, as a adults, can certainly learn from Austin's courage to believe and keep the faith despite the outward circumstances. You are in my heart always and when the time is right, we can meet up for that walk, or maybe even just meet for some coffee and conversation in a relaxed environment if that's what feels right at the time. Jesus knows your pain and your grieving, and He'll continue to heal you, heartbeat by heartbeat.

    With love & prayers,
    Shannon
    3223 days ago
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