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Rollin With the Punches

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I've been gone from the face of SparkWorld for a while now.

Probably since March of this year sometime.

Been through an emotional roller coaster. My world was turned completely upside down on March 28. My husband left me.

Yeah....

Almost 13 yrs of being with someone. Dedicated my life to him, and to our family. Sacrifice upon sacrifice to ensure his happiness - as that was where I derived my happiness from.

Mistake!

Almost 3yrs of marriage.

You really think you know someone. Inside and out. What makes them tick. All their favorite things. Fondest and most awful childhood memories. What they love to do. All their dreams and aspirations. Their fears and hopes. I knew it all.

I did everything a "good wife" should do. I even put aside my college prereqs for the RN program when I detected something was awry about 2yrs ago. So I could, in my opinion - "give 200%" since 100% apparently wasn't enough.

SELFISHNESS

I realize this was his #1 trait. Didn't see it then...well, maybe I did - but still gave my ALL!

He never was for want in any way, shape, or form. I cooked all his fave meals, made what his interests were important to ME, supported his hobbies, encouraged and listened to him. Was patient and did EVERYTHING while holding down a 40hr/wk job while he was unemployed for 2yrs. I loved him heart and soul. Unconditionally...

So, to say the least - I completely lost what I thought was my entire world when he told me he basically had been living a double life for 2yrs with the same "chick: (you know I'd much rather call her something ELSE) that I caught him "talking to" on facebook 2yrs prior. A chick from his previous employer. Who knew all about me..who knew we had a family. Yep, he'd take her to dinner, spend time with HER...and all the while I'd wait faithfully with our 3kids at home holding down it all - losing it day by day. Well... I lost it...literally. Was put on medical leave for 2mos from work. Depression - anxiety, you name it. Just the thought of him would send me into a heart racing panic - I couldn't breathe, couldn't think straight, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.

I don't want to go too far into this, but again, I've been through HELL. It's been over 6mos since that day and many, many hours later of countless therapy sessions - which I never believed in before - I am OK now.

There's been a lot - My eyes are open now. The haze has lifted. I began throwing myself full-force into hiking and jogging again - upon the advice of my therapist. The natural endorphins got me feeling better. I became addicted to the fresh air and feeling of just "GOING"...and sweating it all out. Letting it all go. Until I had no spare energy left to waste on thoughts of the 2of them.

I'm "OK"

I see how he didn't do anything positive for me in a long time. He was verbally abusive at times....was emotionally vacant bc he obviously was invested in "her". I'm so much more better off now. Things happen for a reason...

I haven't been doing well with watching what I've been putting in my mouth...but I have been a lot more active recently, so I consider that a HUGE plus. Just getting me back in the groove of things again, working, taking care of 2kids on my own, etc has been a challenge, but I CAN do it.

Living back at mom's now. So thankful I had family to see me through this.

HE has moved away to Las Vegas (ironic, it's where he and I were looking a few yrs back to move since his brother lives out there) - not only has my daughter had to digest the fact that he physically is in another state with another woman...he informed me a couple months back that they will be having a baby - correction TWINS. Yes...can you believe it?

SELFISH

UNIMAGINABLE

OK - so in another blog hopefully soon I will write about why I know good things come from tragedy and that all things truly do happen for a reason.

A childhood best friend and crush of mine were recently reunited after almost 20yrs.

And he's been burned by women...just has I have.

The next title of my blog will be... "Enter...Frank"

I have yet to delete the old pics I have on here that have the UNMENTIONABLE person in them - please understand. Everyday I am learning more and more about myself. I learned I didn't know who I was for so long - I was who he made me. And NEVER AGAIN will I allow a man to dictate my happiness.

It has to come from within.

I AM ok. My kids are wonderful - the flessing of all blessings and I am such a fortunate mother. Thank you to those of you who may have left a msg on my page or emailed me. I've just been completely out of sorts as I'm sure you can understand.

Picking up the pieces of my life and starting out fresh - determined to stay TRUE to my SELF and to my CHILDREN. Faith has gotten me here.

I truly appreciate you all - more than you know. And now more than ever I need support. I'm usually the motivator here, but now I need to draw a little from each of you. I don't know if I will be logging on each day. I just needed to update you all so you know what's been going on and I do apologize for being absent.

And as the clouds and fog is lifting from all around me - a rainbow is slowly taking form.

All my love,
Jeanie
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • VEGANGIGI
    I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but like many others I can soooo relate!!! You are doing the best thing by getting out there & getting going!! I wish you much happiness & joy!!
    You, other Jeanie, are BEAUTIFUL!!!
    "other" Jeannie
    3297 days ago
  • MICHNOE
    Triple J! I am so sick for you, I just want to jump on a plane and bring a baseball bat!

    He's going to get everything he deserves, and so will you! I'd ask if you want to bet who's going to end up happier and better, but that's so obvious, it would be like stealing candy from a baby!

    Sorry, some serious Redneck coming out, but that's how bad I feel for you!

    Whatever you need...

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Mich
    3323 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6646698
    1 - HELLO....It is SO good to get an update from you, I can't tell you how many times I've come to your page hoping things were okay for you.

    2 - So sorry to hear about your situation and everything you have gone through. In your grand style though you have come through it looking at the positives, and that is amazing. You look amazing too. I hope your new future is bright, and you can forget about the UNMENTIONABLE person. You deserve the best, not someone who is going to treat you like that. You are amazing!

    PS - I changed my username in your time gone...it used to be courtiksok
    3331 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/13/2011 6:57:43 AM
  • TYRADU1983
    Hi,

    I don't really know you but I know your situation... I am happy to hear that you are getting on your feet and getting over your looser husband. Now is your time and your children's time with you. Things will be ok and you will move on. And someday that person who is meant to be in your life will come when you are ready and you will be so happy! . Keep your head up. The sooner you focus on your family the sooner you will move forward. Will be praying for you. I'm on 4 years out of my abusive relationship and finally free by God's grace. Not just physically free but free in my spirit mind and all areas of my life. Ready to move on. Take it slow and steady. you are strong and I know you will be just fine. Take care. Good to see you back on SP and taking care of yourself.

    Tyra
    3332 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4892468
    Awwww Honey I'm so sorry to hear that you have been going through SO much, but I am so glad to hear that you are coming out of this a better person (which good lord you were already pretty darn great to begin with). I am a HUGE believer in the power of therapy/counseling, HUGE! I will have to tell you about my experience with it some day.

    I'm sending you my love, my positive thoughts and my prayers. Thank you for sharing this information with us and I know that many people will be in your corner giving you even more support. We are all hear for you, rooting you on.

    I shall wait to hear more about Frank
    3332 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4892468
    Awwww Honey I'm so sorry to hear that you have been going through SO much, but I am so glad to hear that you are coming out of this a better person (which good lord you were already pretty darn great to begin with). I am a HUGE believer in the power of therapy/counseling, HUGE! I will have to tell you about my experience with it some day.

    I'm sending you my love, my positive thoughts and my prayers. Thank you for sharing this information with us and I know that many people will be in your corner giving you even more support. We are all here for you, rooting you on.

    I shall wait to hear more about Frank
    3332 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/11/2011 9:23:49 PM
  • LORENVER
    I am so glad you are back and that you are going to take support you need from us. We want to support you so much!

    I'm sorry things have been so rotten for you, but as you know out of the ashes good things come. Keep being strong!

    You are awesome and can do awesome!

    LV
    3332 days ago
  • KTTAYLOR21
    Jeanie pooh!!!!! OMG!!! I lie to you not... I was thinking about you earlier today!!! I was driving and for some reason you crossed my mind and my exact thought was... "something must of happened with her marriage for her to be gone off spark for so long... I should call her" and then I come home and get on spark and low and behold you got a blog!!! I'VE MISSED YOU SSSOOO FREAKIN MUCH!!! It breaks my heart to know that your world has been turned upside down so drastically!!! I can defintely imagine the pain you have gone through and how you feel as though you lost apart of yourself in the marriage and now you are refinding that person. It's amazing how people can transform you and then smack you in the face all at the same time. I am ssoo sorry!!! I wish we could go out for drinks and then flatten some tires, and bust the windows out his car (LMAO). I hope the kids are holding up through this. I love you girl and I will add you in my prayers. Remember God's spirit is with you always, guiding and leading you through each day.

    So glad you made an appearance. I hope you still have my number, if so give me a call... if nothing else, I'm always good for laugh!!


    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Love u bunches!!!

    Kim-Kim
    3332 days ago
  • INGMARIE
    Welcome back
    in more ways than one. emoticon

    emoticon
    3332 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5983865
    That was truly a hunger curbing blog. I'm so sorry and so proud that you are working through this. That's something we aren't all good at. We eat our emotions instead of feeling them. It seems you are taking a healthier route. emoticon Keep us posted. We are here for you.
    3332 days ago
  • LOSINGJESS
    Jeanie,

    wow... that is alot to go through and I can completely understand why you were away for so long. I am really happy that you are back though, even if only occasionally. I really missed you.

    Im proud of you for throwing yourself into exercise when all of this happened. It is so easy to turn to unhealthy things when life seems to fall apart. One of the best things you can do is keep taking care of yourself.

    You are an amazing woman / mom / person and I am so happy to have you as a friend. It sucks what your husband did to you, but instead of looking at it as a tragedy, look at it as a fresh start. I know first hand that things can get 1000% better.

    xxhugsxx

    Jess
    3332 days ago
  • SPARKYJEANIE1
    Thank you so much ladies...again, so sorry to have been gone. I forgot to mention also that over 2mos after he pulled his stunt and moving in with her while still in the area, he BEGGED ME BACK!! Can you freakin believe it??? Snivelling and crying boogers and all - and had I been weak, I would've taken him back - probably only to have him continue to look me in the eye, tell me he loves me lying all the while. So happy to have found this new strength from within. I most def hit rock-bottom. Never felt so incredibly hopeless....But...with each new day I am quite the contrary - so HOPEFUL and OPTIMISTIC that the future ahead of me will be one I shape for the good of myself and my kids.

    MUCH happier now...although you know I of course have my moments - a song pops on the radio, a motorcycle drives past, a familiar restaurant, or place. Memories that haunt you. But with each new memory I'm creating I know I'm gradually replacing the crap memories with beautiful ones.

    Thank you all...YOU ALL ARE SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING...and I am inspired once again to pick up where I left off - and DO THIS THING!!!!!!!!

    xoxoxoxoo
    3332 days ago
  • YOGINIMAMA108
    My beautiful Jeanie, you are back! I have missed you so much. I knew that life had to be overwhelming for you to be gone so long. I am SO sorry that you and your family have been through such a horrible ordeal. What a effing creep. So NOT deserving of a loving, full of light person such as you. I am proud of you for finding the blessings in the crap pile. Some of the hardest things that break us down only inspire us in the end to build ourselves stronger. Not by armoring up, or numbing out, but by having the courage to see how we can change and thrive in the thick of it all. Really being alive, and seeing that it is OUR life to live, no one else's. Your Spark family is here for you, and we welcome you back! Here are my emoticon too! Love ya girl!
    3332 days ago
  • CARLA-216
    Oh Jeanie, I am so, so sorry you've had to go through that. I'm glad to see you're coming out OK on this side of things. You've been in my thoughts so often, and at times I wish I knew your phone number because I felt something was wrong and I just wanted you to know that I was here for you. So I sent good thoughts and vibes and wishes your way instead.

    Welcome back, sweet friend! It's so good to see you here. You deserve every happiness, and I hope you see many beautiful rainbows in the days ahead!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Love,
    Carla
    3332 days ago
  • MINIUM
    Welcome back! I'm so sorry about what happened to you and your family. What a cheater! And yet I'm glad you're so positive now because I can imagine how those last months have been for you. You're amazingly brave! Well done for 'picking up the pieces' and going back at it.
    Have you registered for the virtual trick or treat trot?
    See you very soon! Big, no, make it huge, emoticon
    3332 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/11/2011 2:52:47 PM
  • DREAMLIES
    emoticon
    3332 days ago
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