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Dealing the deuces

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Sunday, April 25, 2010 - a year and a half ago - my last post - which was nearly 2 years from the post before it - But unlike that April post - the past year and a half have been a combination of good and bad - Still struggling with work - still looking for better opportunities - and add to that the fact that i recently attempted something akin to a relationship - well, i guess you couldnt call it that - but I let a male of the species close to my heart for the first time in nearly 15 years - let someone close in both the emotional and physical sense - and watched it fall apart - so those are the down sides -- but on the upswing - almost exactly six months ago - on my birthday - my weight reached its all time high - 280 - i was at the lowest point - though that is hard to say , having nearly been killed by my ex and beat to a pulp regularly for four years you would think would count as the lowest point - but at least then i had a reason to live - to prove that he couldnt kill me - by my last birthday, there was pretty much no motivation - nothing to fight for and nothing to fight against - and without either of those, i just lost all interest in anything beyond mere survival, and not very interested in that either. But - something .. "sparked" in me when i stepped on the scale and saw that number, i guess you could say. -- and now, six months later almost to the day, the scale read 220 this morning.

I have even started going back to the gym - the last time i was SERIOUS about working out - was 18 years ago - and im slowly remembering that I used to be a gym rat - used to love the feel of that "burn" .. used to look for those striations after a hard workout - and remember what it felt like to not cringe when i looked up and saw myself in those dang mirrors they have everywhere in the gym. Im not anywhere near that - but i can see a faint path that leads that way -

Im back on the motorcycle, and sold the cage - which takes me back, mentally, to a better time, too - Im learning to see forward, instead of back - and in some ways thats tough - to see what a long road it is - not only my weight, not only how "toned" i am, but even just simply my cardiovascular - i still can hardly walk a flight of stairs without stopping to gasp for breath - but its a few more steps than i was able to go a few months ago-

I still cant even look at all the cute clothes in the store that are made for tiny lil waifs, but .. i did buy my first pair of jeans from the REGULAR department at walmart in 12+ years. AND I found in one of my storage boxes that white dress - my "THAT DRESS" - the one i wore in my last modeling job when I was 30 - just months before the accident that turned my life upside down - and it now hangs at the front of my closet where I look at it every morning and every evening - and say "I WILL" -- and this time, I can see the way to go with that will.
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