SP Premium


Dealing the deuces

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Sunday, April 25, 2010 - a year and a half ago - my last post - which was nearly 2 years from the post before it - But unlike that April post - the past year and a half have been a combination of good and bad - Still struggling with work - still looking for better opportunities - and add to that the fact that i recently attempted something akin to a relationship - well, i guess you couldnt call it that - but I let a male of the species close to my heart for the first time in nearly 15 years - let someone close in both the emotional and physical sense - and watched it fall apart - so those are the down sides -- but on the upswing - almost exactly six months ago - on my birthday - my weight reached its all time high - 280 - i was at the lowest point - though that is hard to say , having nearly been killed by my ex and beat to a pulp regularly for four years you would think would count as the lowest point - but at least then i had a reason to live - to prove that he couldnt kill me - by my last birthday, there was pretty much no motivation - nothing to fight for and nothing to fight against - and without either of those, i just lost all interest in anything beyond mere survival, and not very interested in that either. But - something .. "sparked" in me when i stepped on the scale and saw that number, i guess you could say. -- and now, six months later almost to the day, the scale read 220 this morning.

I have even started going back to the gym - the last time i was SERIOUS about working out - was 18 years ago - and im slowly remembering that I used to be a gym rat - used to love the feel of that "burn" .. used to look for those striations after a hard workout - and remember what it felt like to not cringe when i looked up and saw myself in those dang mirrors they have everywhere in the gym. Im not anywhere near that - but i can see a faint path that leads that way -

Im back on the motorcycle, and sold the cage - which takes me back, mentally, to a better time, too - Im learning to see forward, instead of back - and in some ways thats tough - to see what a long road it is - not only my weight, not only how "toned" i am, but even just simply my cardiovascular - i still can hardly walk a flight of stairs without stopping to gasp for breath - but its a few more steps than i was able to go a few months ago-

I still cant even look at all the cute clothes in the store that are made for tiny lil waifs, but .. i did buy my first pair of jeans from the REGULAR department at walmart in 12+ years. AND I found in one of my storage boxes that white dress - my "THAT DRESS" - the one i wore in my last modeling job when I was 30 - just months before the accident that turned my life upside down - and it now hangs at the front of my closet where I look at it every morning and every evening - and say "I WILL" -- and this time, I can see the way to go with that will.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post

    Be the First to Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.