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Does Scrooge really exist?

Thursday, December 08, 2011

March 6, 1990; I discovered I had a dark side. It goes by the name of SCROOGE. Why that particular date? This is the day my daughter Kelsey's name was added to God's list of Angels. Another soul to watch over us.

The holiday seasons, birthdays and other events throughout the year have always brought me down. I never got to hear of her experience on that first day of school. Telling me about some boy she liked. Graduating from JR. High and High School. No 16th or 18th birthday parties. No asking to use the car. Wondering what sports she would have participated in. Maybe she would have loved art and baking like me, music like her brother, or spending time outdoors with her dad. I will never experience those talks that a mother and daughter share. Missed days of baking and cooking with my daughter and giving her recipes that she could share with her own family. There will never be a wedding, a son-in-law, grandchildren or great-grandchildren.

I wonder everyday what kind of person she would have grown up to be. Would she have had blonde hair like her brother? Hazel or blue eyes? Would she be tall like her brother or average like her parents? What would be her favorite color? TV show? Would she be laid back like her dad or have a temper like her brother and mom? Would she have gone on to art or business school or maybe started her own company and moved to the cities? Maybe she would have loved animals and became a farmer like her great-grandparents. I know without a doubt she would have been a good girl and no matter what Kelsey did, she would have made us proud. I know that my son Brad would have been the protective big brother. A brother that she could look up to.

There is a big part of my heart that died with my daughter and I know I can never get it back. I have had 21 years to cope with my loss. The hurt and loss gets easier as the years go by but the pain still remains. I have heard so many times, "Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan." I wish I knew what it was and why.

So I go on with my life. Baking those Christmas cookies, decorating the house, buying gifts for everyone else, when deep inside all I hear BAH-HUMBUG.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I really hate it when that line about everything happening for a reason is used...I know it's an effort at comfort but there can be no acceptable reason for losing your child. You expressed so well the ever present pain even though time has gone on and you continue to do what you need to do for the rest of the family. Bless you.
    3210 days ago
    Thank you for honestly sharing your feelings. Some things are always there, like a scab we pick at and never heals. I hope you have comfort and happiness in other areas of your life.
    3211 days ago
    When I get very sad over my mother's passing, especially at her birthday and holidays (she died 16 years ago), I stop to think "I wonder if she would want me to feel this way, to be depressed, to be cranky and not enjoy life?" The answer is always, always, "Nope." I know she would want me to enjoy my life to the fullest. Even though it is your daughter you are missing, I am certain that she would not want her mother to struggle so, but she would want you to find the joy you have with your family and friends, and pass that on to others around you. I betcha she would. She wants her mom to smile. (((HUGS)))
    3211 days ago
    My heart goes out to you . Please twenty one years is a long time to go with your heart closed over . It is time to allow yourself to enjoy the wonders that God has spread all around you . No noone can give you the events that you speak of with your child but out there somewhere is a child that has no parnet and would love to share with you the joy of doing some of the things she can never do with her life . hugs to you dear heart . you are not scrooge. spread love and smiles around the home .
    3211 days ago
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