Warning: this is a sad blog
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I've been in a funk.
My friend has cancer again, and since it came back so quickly, this time his chances of survival are extremely low. He is five years old. He and his family were my downstairs neighbours for several years, and now we are like family. Watching his mom and dad struggle is the hardest part.
I was going through anticipatory grief and then beating myself up because why should I be so sad when he's still here and there's still hope? But a good friend told me that anticipatory grief is a natural part of the cycle. She should know, because she's been through a lot of grief. I'm very lucky to have her wisdom and support.
I was also feeling guilty because if my little friend dies, I'll go on living. I'll survive. If he dies, his parents will be forever changed, and I'll go on living. It's crazy that I felt guilty about that, but I did.
I've also been very sad about a romantic disappointment that is basically too embarrassing to go into. Yeah. Uh huh.
So I stopped tracking my food and exercise for four days, and even stopped playing the cello. I'd just sit and watch bad TV on the Internet and knit Christmas socks for my sister. They are almost finished, and they're beautiful. Those four days of not tracking were my first lapse in over six months, and I can say this: I learned a lot from this funk.
I've continued going to the gym, and even when I ate weirdly, I still kept some moderation. The healthy habits I've picked up seem to be sticking, so that is wonderful indeed. I began to play the cello again. Tonight I found myself singing a song in my empty house.
Last weekend I baked cookies with my little friend, and we decorated them. He got to use the piping bag; I held the end for him, and he piped red and green icing lavishly onto the gingerbread. He spilled sprinkles all over. I got these cookie cutters called Ninja Bread Men…they're hilarious.
He told my my candy cane striped cookies were beautiful. He's great at giving compliments, and he's only five!!! We had a good day, and when his mom came to pick him up she said the thought of us baking gave her such a warm feeling. We showed her the cookie we made with her name on it.
I'm not religious, but please God, let him live.