Back after personal tragedy
Monday, December 19, 2011
Well, shoot. Where to start?
I finished a four-year degree in 2.5 years. This last semester was so brutal, I admittedly just threw everything out the window in order to get it done -- including taking care of myself. I gained 11 pounds since my wedding in August. Stress eating was my daily routine, and as much as I wanted to stop, by priority was just to get the hell out of school asap.
And I did. Just 11 pounds heavier and hooked on sugar worse than ever.
In November, I might have had a chemical pregnancy. I'll never know for sure. I had one faint positive test, and many symptoms, but then negative tests and awful cramps for almost 10 days before finally starting my cycle. (And other things I won't go into here that led to my belief my body rejected a pregnancy before it had time to begin.) I was upset but since I didn't have any concrete proof, I just kept going as best I could.
The week before finals, turns out I conceived for sure this time. I found out one week ago today, two days before my cycle, with a light pink positive line home pregnancy test. I tested again the next day, same thing. In a flurry of joy and excitement, I made an appointment with the doctor for today to confirm with a blood test.
Thursday, I took another test (seeing that positive gets addictive), and the line was much fainter. I panicked and told my husband I was scared. He tried to reassure me by looking up similar stories that turned out well on the internet. But I wanted to get a blood test asap to check my hcg levels. So I did, but would not get the results until the following day. That night, after a four hour nap, I took a digital test and it was positive. I felt relieved because those are less sensitive and my levels must be doing well.
The following day, I still had a very faint line. But the doctor's office called and told me I was, in fact, pregnant. I was overjoyed. My husband and I broke open some sparkling juice and started to relax. If the blood test was positive, then we could relax! I was just four weeks exactly, and we were excited to tell our families at Christmas.
Then yesterday, I was just talking on the phone when I felt something wet. When I hung up, I went to the bathroom and saw the blood. I was bleeding profusely, and I knew it was over. I was cramping horribly, and was just so scared I started shaking all over. But it was Sunday, and I couldn't call the doctor and didn't want to go through the hassle of an ER visit when they can't really do anything.
There is still no change, and I have suffered an early miscarriage. My husband and I are heartbroken and devastated.
Having gained those 11 pounds, I put myself back just on the line of obesity. I'm angry at myself. I know that obesity has higher rates of miscarriage, but I let it happen anyway. That doesn't mean that's WHY I had a miscarriage, but I'm not really wanting to try again until I at least decrease my chances of it happening again. I may have some chromosonal issue that is as yet undiagnosed, but this is one thing I can do without invasive procedures, etc.
I can lose weight.
Now that I'm finished with school, I have NO excuse. (Not that it was a valid excuse before, either, but it was an excuse.)
I'm determined to lose 20 pounds. I won't be at my goal weight, but I'll be at a healthier weight and that's what I'm interested in.
I have time now to cook better foods from scratch, to work out almost every day, and everything is right for me to concentrate on my body and make myself strong inside and out.
I've flip-flopped between here and Weight Watchers many times. But I'm wasting money like mad. So I'm going to try again here, first.
And that's about all I can say right now. I'm starting at 206.8. I'd like to be 185. That's 21.8 pounds, and I haven't been in the 180's at all as an adult. So it would be a great triumph for me.
Even though I did not eat perfectly today, I'm making today Day One anyway. I will start right now.