My mom........

I'm about to pour my heart out so please don't read this if you want light and fluffy! My mom and I have always had a crazy relationship! She was jealous of my close relationship with my dad! With that said she could always be so much fun! She would make a tent for me and my friends with chairs and she would plan the best Birthday parties for me! There were clowns, tye dying shirts, scavenger hunts, and all sorts of fun games! When I was 13 she started down a destructive path! I saw lots of things I shouldn't have seen! She would try to kill herself and call me to come help her! I would see blood and broken things all over her apartment! Then she finally got it together and she kept it together for a couple years! She was so excited when she found out I was pregnant! She bought most of my daughters clothes, and she stocked up on diapers and wipes so I had months worth, and she stocked my house with food! She babysat her and my middle son and she would take them to the park and always get fun crafts for them to play with at her house! She was so excited to be a grandma! Then some aspects of her life fell apart again and she fell apart! The last 4 years have been her heavily drinking and ending up in the hospital sobering up for a couple weeks and it would all start over again! I couldn't trust her to watch the kids and I would get so mad at her for not getting her life together I would scream at the top of my lungs at her! With that said I was always her biggest cheerleader! I would check on her when she was in rehab and go see her and call her all the time when she got out! It would go well for a couple weeks! I begged my family for help! I wanted her healthy! I wanted her to see my kids grow up but my family was in denial! They thought she was fine! Most of our conversations in the last couple months I would usually be rolling my eyes however I called her at least once a week to check on her! Most of our relationship I felt like her mom instead of the opposite! So a couple days ago I tried to call her (friday) and she didn't answer so I called my step-dad and he said she was barely eating anything and she was so weak she was sleeping all the time! By barely eating i mean she was eating 2 bites of soup all day! When I talked to my step-dad I told him he needed to take her to the doctor or hospital! Whenever her drinking gets really bad this is what happens she barely eats, gets weak, and goes to the hospital and gets fluids and ends up better for at least a couple weeks! Well he didn't take her because she didn't want to go and although I would never say this to him because he has enough guilt I am furious......he should have taken her to the hospital days ago whether she wanted to go or not! I'm sure this would still have happened at some point but it was his responsibility to take care of her! He said she could barely walk and he had to bring her medicine to her however when she passed away she had a cup of vodka next to her......hmmm I wonder how she got that! Due to her not eating and drinking so much her body shut down! I was not expecting that call on saturday! I was expecting to hear that she was in the hospital sometime soon but passed away nope wasn't expecting that! I honestly thought I would be okay when this day came because it would mean so much less drama, worry, and anger in my life! That is not the case! I am broken! I am heartbroken! I am lost! I want my mom! Just because someone has issues it doesn't change the fact that you still have good memories of them! I loved her and I have lots of good memories and I always hoped she would get it together but she didn't and she never will and I am broken! I am broken with no mom :(