Scared to be thin?

I have been struggling with my weight a lot this past year. Granted I have had a lot going on in my life from my father being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, leaving my job to help with care, and ultimately losing him seven weeks later. In 2011, I gained 20 lbs. I also have been working really hard in the gym to lose those 20lbs. But something is holding me back. I am.

I have noticed that everytime I get close to breaking 180lbs, I binge. Why? Because I am comfortable here. True. I can't fit into any of my clothes in the closet, but psychologically I am comfortable at my weight. I was 180 in high school and have never had a woman's body any smaller than that (except for the brief period of time before I lost my father when I was at 168lbs). It is a thrilling, yet scary, thought to be a "normal" size. I wonder what I would look like. Would I act different? Would I have more self esteem? Who knows. It is a scary thing to enter the uncharted territory of normalcy. So many unknowns. Do I eventually want to get there? Hell yes! But I think I have had too many changes this past year for me to be able to deal with and my way of coping was to not add another change to the list. So, I have been self-sabotaging in order to remain in my comfort zone. My entire world was turned upside down when I lost my father. One of the things a grief counselor told our family was that we were going to have to figure out what our new lives without dad were going to look like. A very scary unknown. Being overweight is comfortable. I know how to be the fat girl. It is a role I have been playing since I entered elementary school. I am good at it. I have no idea how to be thin Erin. But, I am willing to learn one day at a time.