Back to the Fast Break Stage
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Well, I decided to go back and start again. I was so excited to join SP, that I sort of jumped right in and rushed through a few steps. I really want this to be a permanent lifestyle change, and the only way I can do that is to follow the steps in order, and complete them to the best of my ability. I never even read the overview or paid attention to the six lessons in stage one, so I'm going to go back and read them, starting tomorrow.
I still struggle much more than I'd like to at this point. It's been about a month since I joined SP, and I only lost four pounds. I'm having trouble getting over my "monthly visitor" slump, and before I know it, I'll be due for it again.
I did accomplish one goal today, however, and that was to think of my future self. My husband has begun to work out three days a week because of this health and wellness program he joined thru work, and I want us to get fit and healthy together. (Not that he needs to lose weight.) But he wants to bulk up, and I guess it's sort of a challenge for me in a way, because I quite frankly don't want him to succeed without me. He's never really been overly positive or encouraging when I've gone down this road before, and the last thing I need is for him to succeed, and me to fail. That will give him one more excuse to tell me "I don't want it badly enough." God, I hate when he says that! (Okay, he only ever said that once, but it really scarred me.) He'll never understand what it is like to walk in my shoes, and I've always resented him making that comment.
No one wants it more for me than I want it for myself! He will just never ever get it! It is so much harder than he thinks! Especially when he has the metabolism to be able to eat anything he wants. Things that would make me gain weight just by looking at it, he takes for granted. He thinks nothing of it when he nibbles on chips or ice cream. He never gives a second thought to calories or fat grams, and frankly, it's just not fair!
I don't mean to whine about this, but it's really true. How does God decide who he's going to give the good metabolism to and who he's going to let suffer? All I know is that this has been an ongoing battle for me for such a long time, that I am now just skeptical and unmotivated.
I've been trying to focus on my goals and read articles about motivation and self-esteem, but no amount of written words is going to "fix" me. It will take a miracle, and God knows I've asked plenty of times for His help. What else do I have to do? I've gone to the alter, I've gone to the prayer chapel, I've gone through a 12-Step program, I've screamed at him from the foot of my bed.... I just don't know what I have to do. Admitting I am powerless (the first step) was the easy part. I already KNOW I can't do this on my own. So now what??????? What do I do differently this time, because nothing I've tried before in this lifetime has done any good.