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Back to the Fast Break Stage

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Well, I decided to go back and start again. I was so excited to join SP, that I sort of jumped right in and rushed through a few steps. I really want this to be a permanent lifestyle change, and the only way I can do that is to follow the steps in order, and complete them to the best of my ability. I never even read the overview or paid attention to the six lessons in stage one, so I'm going to go back and read them, starting tomorrow.

I still struggle much more than I'd like to at this point. It's been about a month since I joined SP, and I only lost four pounds. I'm having trouble getting over my "monthly visitor" slump, and before I know it, I'll be due for it again.

I did accomplish one goal today, however, and that was to think of my future self. My husband has begun to work out three days a week because of this health and wellness program he joined thru work, and I want us to get fit and healthy together. (Not that he needs to lose weight.) But he wants to bulk up, and I guess it's sort of a challenge for me in a way, because I quite frankly don't want him to succeed without me. He's never really been overly positive or encouraging when I've gone down this road before, and the last thing I need is for him to succeed, and me to fail. That will give him one more excuse to tell me "I don't want it badly enough." God, I hate when he says that! (Okay, he only ever said that once, but it really scarred me.) He'll never understand what it is like to walk in my shoes, and I've always resented him making that comment.

No one wants it more for me than I want it for myself! He will just never ever get it! It is so much harder than he thinks! Especially when he has the metabolism to be able to eat anything he wants. Things that would make me gain weight just by looking at it, he takes for granted. He thinks nothing of it when he nibbles on chips or ice cream. He never gives a second thought to calories or fat grams, and frankly, it's just not fair!

I don't mean to whine about this, but it's really true. How does God decide who he's going to give the good metabolism to and who he's going to let suffer? All I know is that this has been an ongoing battle for me for such a long time, that I am now just skeptical and unmotivated.

I've been trying to focus on my goals and read articles about motivation and self-esteem, but no amount of written words is going to "fix" me. It will take a miracle, and God knows I've asked plenty of times for His help. What else do I have to do? I've gone to the alter, I've gone to the prayer chapel, I've gone through a 12-Step program, I've screamed at him from the foot of my bed.... I just don't know what I have to do. Admitting I am powerless (the first step) was the easy part. I already KNOW I can't do this on my own. So now what??????? What do I do differently this time, because nothing I've tried before in this lifetime has done any good.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have to agree with what everyone else has said here so far. But put the blame where it needs to go not on God. He lets us go through trials to strenghten us, so think of it as a trial that you have to get strong from. Keep praying, He may not answer your prayer right away sometimes he makes us wait but always keep praying. One day you will wake up and the weight will start coming off and you will know that he has answered your pray.
    5138 days ago
  • TISH1965
    Ok, first and foremost, STOP beating yourself up. Everyone goes through this. You just need to stop and not start over tomorrow, start over right away instead of waiting. If wait until the next day, you will just eat more things , that you shouldnt, and then you will be feeling even less in control. Dont start your day with - "Today I am going to do it" ... Start your day with each meal. You have come a long way, and you are looking great. Losing weight is never easy. It is a daily struggle. I know you can do it. I know you can do it. I know you can do it. Hang in there. Eventually it will all work out. You will look back at this and know you have succeeded.
    2ndly... We know your husband can eat anything he wants. He will NEVER understand your daily struggle. You just need to look at him and say shut up!!!! LOL... Dont let what he is able to do, get you down. We are what and who we are. I am sorry. I wish I could change that for you. Be strong. I know you are a strong person, I see it in you always.
    Well , I hope I at least encouraged you a little. Be strong, take it meal by meal, and you are beautiful.
    5138 days ago
  • KITTYKAT1228
    I know exactly how you feel Lee. Chris has said the same things to me. He laughed at me when I told him I was going to do another diet program. Frankly it's because I never stuck to one before so why would he think I could do it this time. When I stuck I ate 100 calories less then the foodtracker told me to and I started to lose again. You could try that, or try tracking another food thingy. If you go into change my diet goals you can add sodium or fiber... there's lots of different stuff. The first thing you have to do is regardless of what everyone around says or does you have to believe that you can do it. No amount of praying is going to help you if you don't believe in what you are praying for. If it helps, I'm home all day if you need someone to talk to, to keep yourself from going overboard or messing up I'm here. I believe in you, so you should too!!
    Love and Miss.
    5139 days ago
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