i lost my spark
Monday, March 12, 2012
I don't know quite how or when it happened, but I feel like all of the air has gone out of me. I've been less than motivated and haven't been tracking consistently (not at all over the weekend). I have even allowed myself a few late night binges. Feels a lot like the old me.
I was sick all weekend, which didn't help matters. I wanted to go out and enjoy the nice weather and get moving, but the wanting is as far as I got. I keep trying to rally, but so far it hasn't worked at all.
I know this isn't permanent. I will never go back to the way I was. Never. BUT - how do I break through this fog right now? I have something very, very, very important coming up in May that I have been working so hard for, and for such a long time. I think I'm panicking a bit at how real it's about to become and so I'm just taking advantage of every opportunity to sabotage myself. One thing I have learned along the way is that I seem to be more afraid of success than of failure. Failure is easy. Giving up is easy. And, let's be honest, giving up is much more familiar to me. I know how to do that.
I am trying to not beat myself up over this, to get back on track. And really, I know all it takes for me is one workout to get the ball rolling again. This week is going to be tough. I still feel dizzy and slightly nauseated, but I'm GOING to push through it and make better decisions for me. I will go to class every night this week. I will track my food consistently and HONESTLY.
And I know it's not up to any of you to make sure I stay on track, but any support you care to throw my way would be very much appreciated. I need someone other than myself to hold me accountable.