Struggling with failure and can't get past it.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I am in a bad head place right now. The buttons on the shirt I am wearing are straining - I feel like they are going to start popping off at any second - and yet - I want to eat (note - I am not hungry).
I am struggling.
Not the day is hard and I hope to get through it kind of struggle. I mean struggling to care to keep trying to get healthy.
My life these past months have kind of sucked. Well, more than kind of... pretty much really sucked.
At work I found out that I had been relieved of some of my job, without any discussion. If my boss was not the stand up kind of guy he is I would be still wondering what happened. It sucks to go from being part of the regional/corporate world to getting ignored by them. And, mind you, this is not because I did a bad job either. Then dealing with all of my former peers as to why I am not included anymore... So I am still dealing with that and it is tough. Hard not to feel like you failed...
Also at work, they are changing up the benefits. You now get "credits" if you meet certain criteria - and one is having a BMI that is not "obese" - and I am "obese". I need to lose like 35ish pounds to get out of the "obese" range. So, no credit for me. But wait - if you lose weight to get below the "obese" range you can get the credit. Somehow, just being in that range (when I was trying to get healthy for the last four (almost five) years) seems like I failed...
Then, there is the marriage thing. It has not been "good" for a long while now. But, the telling moment was when I woke up early one morning feeling pain/tightness in the chest, not able to take a deep breath, and when I told my husband that I was going to urgent care he just said OK and rolled over to go back to sleep. Now, I didn't go by myself, a dear friend took me, but still - the level of caring was non -existent. Fail... (BTW - I am OK - apparently I was having anxiety)
Top that off with my Mom still dealing with both my Dad and brother dying within weeks of each other (four years ago (brother died four years ago today)), which has forever soured my son's birthday (tomorrow). And that my clothes don't fit (and I don't really like them anymore anyway)... I just am having trouble caring for more than a few minutes.
I hope I will work my way out/through this... I do... but right now it seems like "what's the point?" Fail...