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Struggling with failure and can't get past it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I am in a bad head place right now. The buttons on the shirt I am wearing are straining - I feel like they are going to start popping off at any second - and yet - I want to eat (note - I am not hungry).
I am struggling.
Not the day is hard and I hope to get through it kind of struggle. I mean struggling to care to keep trying to get healthy.
My life these past months have kind of sucked. Well, more than kind of... pretty much really sucked.
At work I found out that I had been relieved of some of my job, without any discussion. If my boss was not the stand up kind of guy he is I would be still wondering what happened. It sucks to go from being part of the regional/corporate world to getting ignored by them. And, mind you, this is not because I did a bad job either. Then dealing with all of my former peers as to why I am not included anymore... So I am still dealing with that and it is tough. Hard not to feel like you failed...
Also at work, they are changing up the benefits. You now get "credits" if you meet certain criteria - and one is having a BMI that is not "obese" - and I am "obese". I need to lose like 35ish pounds to get out of the "obese" range. So, no credit for me. But wait - if you lose weight to get below the "obese" range you can get the credit. Somehow, just being in that range (when I was trying to get healthy for the last four (almost five) years) seems like I failed...
Then, there is the marriage thing. It has not been "good" for a long while now. But, the telling moment was when I woke up early one morning feeling pain/tightness in the chest, not able to take a deep breath, and when I told my husband that I was going to urgent care he just said OK and rolled over to go back to sleep. Now, I didn't go by myself, a dear friend took me, but still - the level of caring was non -existent. Fail... (BTW - I am OK - apparently I was having anxiety)
Top that off with my Mom still dealing with both my Dad and brother dying within weeks of each other (four years ago (brother died four years ago today)), which has forever soured my son's birthday (tomorrow). And that my clothes don't fit (and I don't really like them anymore anyway)... I just am having trouble caring for more than a few minutes.
I hope I will work my way out/through this... I do... but right now it seems like "what's the point?" Fail...


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LUCYJOY
    Yep-when you look at all that stuff, it does make it hard to care and I tend to go for sugar when I'm feeling like a failure(true or not true).

    I also have the uncaring spouse thing. When I picture my future with him in it, I want to crawl back in bed. So, working toward starting over at 45(and I haven't worked in years)

    It's been a bad few months for me and I feel the buttons on my clothes not wanting to close. I get up everyday with a plan-and bomb out. Go me.

    Just keep holding your head up, try to only eat when you are truly hungry(I don't get hungry so I have a time schedule my diabetic coach put me on). Drink water.

    Hope tomorrow is an easier day
    3313 days ago
  • KGIRL160
    Sorry you are struggling! Been there.. and do the same thing. For me I have to start focusing on the good.... even if that's I got out of bed today and brushed my teeth. If I can't get past the failure then I just go around it! emoticon
    3313 days ago
  • JOYFULSPIRIT920
    I don't know why, but life seems to throw us curves and lots of them all at once. If sometimes feels as though life is kicking us while we are down. It's tough, it's painful, its a struggle to find anything to feel good about. And, its okay to wallow in it for a minute. But that's all, you can't live in the wallow. Control what you can control, your nutrition & your fitness, and your attitude. There are times when it is impossible to control the circumstances & situations around you, but you can control how you deal with them emotionally. You have the strength inside of you to muster through this. You have the power to make good choices & to smile despite the pain.
    I am praying that today you have a little sunshine in your life that reminds you of how wonderful you are & that YOU are NOT a FAILURE!!
    3314 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4429274
    The point is, YOU matter. That's reason enough to fight your way back from all of this garbage that is making your life difficult.

    Hang in there. Make one good choice at a time and keep moving forward.
    3314 days ago
  • SEAGIRLRUN
    I'm sorry you're struggling too. Tomorrow is another day. You can do it. one step at a time!

    xoo

    3314 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/21/2012 7:13:08 PM
  • SMILESHINE81
    I'm so sorry you're struggling. Does your workplace have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) where you could talk out some of your issues?

    Hang in there, things will get better.
    3314 days ago
  • TRAVLNWOMAN
    Take your head out for a walk. It will improve your day, I promise!
    3314 days ago
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