Must save her own life, but how?
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Things I know:
I know my health is spiraling out of control.
I know that regardless of my medical conditions, losing a significant amount of weight would benefit my health.
I know the medical system is running out of options and I'm scared.
I know when I was active on SPark before, it was the best I've felt in years - maybe ever felt.
I know a positive spiral can replace my negative spiral and the only place I have to go from here is up.
I know my medical conditions are grim and living the healthiest life possible is literally the only option I have to living past 30.
Despite me knowing all of these things, I am scared and tired. I'm tired of having fought all these years and having nothing to show for it. I'm exhausted of being exhausted, being in severe amounts of pain, being alone and having a medical system I firmly believe in fail me. My intelligent side lectures me about all those things I know. Yells at me to lose weight and how losing the 100 pounds is the only "treatment" I haven't really done. I'm completely frustrated with myself for knowing this, yet not doing it. Then my emotional side yells back at my intelligent side, screaming that I'm sick, very sick and trying to force my broken body to exercise, or do anything physical, to cook better - healthier, give up my one coping addiction (food) just doesn't make sense. You have to be healthy enough to do these things. You have to be sleeping some, not in agonizing pain, not scared for your life before you start adding more things to do. And then it goes to the other side... sometimes you have to run before you walk. No matter how sick you are, you can still make baby steps. You know starting the positive spiral is terribly difficult, but totally worth it once you get moving.
I'm pretty educated on psychology and health. I know the little steps I could be doing. I know not to push myself too hard, but doing something, anything, is better than nothing. I know all of these things, but I'm stuck feeling sorry for myself and completely overwhelmed by my deteriorating health. I'm scared that I'm at the point where no one else can help me, but I'm too exhausted to help myself.
When you have no hope, next to no support, no options, how do you put one foot in front of the other? How do you scrape yourself up off the floor when you don't feel like you have anything left to give?