April showers bring May flowers?
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
I'm thinking that my performance for April can be compared to constant rain- dreary, unending, depressing, uncomfortable, and something you want to escape from.
The best way to explain this is to point out that I've gained back 10 pounds and I only did 4 days of cardio last month.
I basically let life get in the way and used excuse after excuse to eat poorly and refuse to exercise. For almost the entire month.
A lot of my problem last month had to do with tapping into some deeper emotional issues for me and seeing that I try to comfort myself with food. I also started to look at that behavior and I'm still trying to figure out if that means I might officially have an eating disorder. The thought that I might is something I don't want to even look at, let alone accept. But buying crappy food and eating it doesn't really help to avoid the problem of wanting to buy crappy food to avoid your problems, does it?
I'm fine with admitting that I was over 300 pounds because I ate poorly and I didn't exercise enough. I am willing to say that yes, I haven't taken very good care of myself. But I really don't want to carry the burden of what the term "Eating Disorder" brings.
I'm still not sure that fits me, but I do admit that my relationship to food isn't "normal". I've had a lot of loss in my life and I've learned to cope by using food for comfort, just as I'm sure a lot of you have used food to satisfy an emotional need as well. Worrying that I might have an eating disorder has only made this more difficult. And I can't really tell if my hesitance to embrace it is me being logical or me being in denial.
With all this rain going on in my life throughout April, I'm really hoping that it will help to get some growth blossoming in May. I did go walking on Sunday for 2.6 miles and I'm going to be heading to the gym in a few minutes so I can say that my behavior is getting back on track. I've got some new ideas for motivation too, so hopefully I can put the rain behind me.