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JILLYBEAN25
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So Glad April is OVER. Good effin' riddance.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Well, its that time where I review last month (gulp!) and plan for this month. Let's just get this over with.

I'll start with what I did successfully. I made it passed 500 fitness minutes for the month, but just barely. At least I did it, but it was quite a struggle.

Okay, that about covers it. Out of 10 goals, I got one done. I didn't track food and water, I didn't stick to my unhealthy with healthy rule, I hardly ate homecooked meals, I almost never ate breakfast, and I still struggled to stay on top of my schooling. I didn't use each piece of fitness equipment I own, I didn't do different cardio, I didn't integrate more toning/ST, and I definitely didn't blog weekly on my other website.

What. Went. Wrong. Lots of things. My spring break began the first week of April, and though I was out of town, didn't do too bad. Didn't exercise as much as I wanted, but I ate fairly good. Then, my uncle passed away and all the confusing emotions that went along with that. And my aunt found out her cancer metastasized to her brain. Add some more scoops to the emotions. Sadness for the family I never met, the family I loved, and the rest of us who are left to feel the hurt. This month was full of craptastic emotions that I didn't know what to do with.

But, I guess grief does that. It also messes with your head quite a bit. When I blogged about my sadness and grief on April 12 (A Rocky Start) I only had 5 wonderful Spark friends say something to me. That's the least amount of comments I'd gotten on a blog since November. A blog about personal pain and grief and I have to say, I felt abandoned by the Spark community. I know death and grief and whatnot are extremely uncomfortable subjects to deal with and talk about. Doubly hard is when it's someone you don't really know all that well. But, people who are grieving need nothing more than to know someone is thinking about them and possibly praying for them. That's all I needed.

Just when I started to pull myself out my slump, sorta, my grandmother gets into a wicked bad car accident. Her car is totaled. The front end is mangled, like an accordion leading up to the firewall. She had an angel riding with her though because she ended up with a few pretty bad bruises (namely from the seatbelt) and a few cuts and scrapes. A woman well into her 70's all but walked away from the crash! Luckily for her, the other driver is at fault, so the insurances can fight out the deets and she can get a new car. Which will make finances tight for the both of us. As if they weren't tight enough already. Scoop back on those emotions.

In the month of April I should have heard from the flunkies at my surgeon's office. I don't know what this person does all day that prevents her from calling and scheduling surgeries and then letting patients know when their date is. Her title is "Scheduler". Somehow, this person isn't able to even do that. Here I am, 11 business days after my appointment and I still don't have a date set for The Big Chop-Chop. And yes, actually, I have called to find out what the deal is. Still haven't gotten a call back. *Fumes*

And today, though not actually April, but just a continuing theme of crappiness, I discover that my DSS practicum will probably be at a facility that isn't anywhere near me. SWELL. Should be really easy getting to and from there without a car. Good thing the bus system here sucks so it'll be really hard to deal!

I'm make no apologies for my mood. I still feel grief, stress, sadness, emptiness, loneliness and fat. I'm allowed to feel like that for now. I need to finish school cuz it's really burning me out. Then, I can deal with the rest of it.

So, for the month of May, I've decided to not have any goals. For all I know, I'll be having surgery by the end of it, so I'd only have a few weeks to accomplish goals anyway. Coupling that with finals... No. No, thank you. My broad "goal" for the month is to work on being as healthy as I can before going under the chopstick-like knife. Eating well and healthy, exercising when I can, listening to my body tell me when it's tired or in pain, and just getting myself mentally in a better place. That's it. I'll keep my April goals posted and see if I can get motivated enough to do any of them. But, no pressure if that doesn't happen.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KUJAYHAWKGIRL
    Jilly - so sorry about your rough month!!! I never saw your blog in my feed and feel so bad that we Sparkers weren't there for you. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing. (((hugs))) to you and I'm glad to hear your goal for May is to have no set goals. It will be good for you!!!
    Shannon
    3259 days ago
  • LUCYLU22
    I am so sorry that April was just plain rotten! I somehow missed your post about it as well, I am so sorry about that. I try so hard to keep up with all my sparkfriends, but I know there are times that I fall down on the job. I truly hope they get you in to this surgery ASAP, and maybe kick this so called "schedulers" tush! Good for you for staying on top of it, and trying to find out when it will be. I am so glad that your grandma is ok, now hopefully they can just get your car stuff figured out! I think you are smart to take May as maybe a time to reflect, and not focus on goals. Best wishes on getting this surgery out of the way so you can move on.

    emoticon
    3262 days ago
  • TARANITUP
    I am so sorry this is all piling up on you at once. And I wish I had been your sparkfriend when you felt abandoned... I just happened upon your blog and this is the first time I'm seeing your page I believe... all we can really do in times like this is keep moving forward but I'm glad you vented!!!
    3262 days ago
  • BEFIT_WITHGUSTO
    I am so, so, sorry you had such a rough April. I hope May has started off better for you! See you at the next rally! :)
    3262 days ago
  • JBINAUSTIN
    You're right, April sucked. I think you deserve to have May off. Just keep hanging in there. I hope May treats you better.
    emoticon
    3267 days ago
  • MEWHENRYSMAMA
    OH, DEAR FRIEND, I FEEL YOUR STRUGGLE AND FRUSTRATION, AND GRIEF AND ANGST WITH ALL THIS "LIFE"! I, TOO, HAVE SOME MAJOR STUFF GOING ON AND UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH OF A STRUGGLE IT CAN BE. PLEASE KNOW I AM HERE FOR YOU AND I WILL LISTEN ANYTIME...I AM A SPARKMESSAGE AWAY...PLEASE FEEL FREE. YOU ARE STILL HERE AND HAVE GOALS, SO UNDERSTAND THAT IS A SUCCESS...AND MAY IS A NEW MONTH AND YOU NEED TO TAKE EACH DAY ONE AT A TIME. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...
    STAY CALM AND CARRY ON...THIS IS MY NEW MANTRA.
    LOVE AND HUGS,
    MARY emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3267 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6307291
    Jill, sorry about missing your post also. I can singlehandedly lose ALL my subscriptions without knowing how I do it. I feel horrible about it, especially since you do NOT need to go down that road alone. Glad your grandmother was able to walk away, and hope the insurance company gets off their collective butts and gets it done! Maybe your grandmother's company can chivvy them along by suggesting a rental car in the meantime for the inconvenience?????

    CALL your scheduler!!!! When I was supposed to have surgery 5 yrs ago, I didn't get the call, let it slide a little, then when I did call, it was long enough that I had to reschedule an office visit to meet the "see surgeon within x# days of surgery!" Some helpful soul in the office refiled my file without the follow up....... don't let yourself get lost in the shuffle.

    So sorry about your uncle and aunt. Bad things always seem to happen all at once. Be strong for yourself and your family.

    Hang loose for a little bit until you feel like control is coming back. Drop in-
    3267 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/4/2012 10:27:10 AM
  • SMILINGTREE
    I'm so sorry I missed your post about grief and sadness. Goodness knows, I can certainly empathize with you on the whole grief and sadness for the extended family thing. The last few years have been rough for my own.

    You are probably doing the right thing by not setting any hard and fast goals for May. With so much going on, and so much stress, you would be setting yourself up to feel guilty later, and screw that.

    Also, (and this goes against pretty much every expert's advice on this subject) I've found that I do much better sometimes with a vague goal - like - "try to look for and appreciate the peaceful moments in the next week." Maybe it takes some of the pressure off or something if there isn't a list item to check off.

    I'm glad you aren't apologizing for your mood. You are right - you ARE allowed to feel this way. Just don't linger in the sad places for too long, ok? Come back to us later, feeling a little better.

    In the mean time, I hope you can find one or two bright spots as you work your way through the hard stuff, and again, I'm so sorry I missed your recent posts.
    3268 days ago
  • ABB698
    Wow Jill, let's hope May is aMAYzing for you, glad your grandma is okay and you are plugging along. Sounds like we need to go on a long, big group hike again! Hugs!
    3269 days ago
  • NEWSGIRL2177
    Dang, girl! What a sh*tty month. I'm glad your grandma is OK.

    I'm sorry you have so much difficult stuff to deal with right now. I think it's normal to struggle amid so many emotional situations, and maybe you can get to a place where you can give yourself some breathing room.

    Hang in there!
    emoticon
    3269 days ago
  • RSTM99
    Good for you for giving yourself a break. You don't HAVE to have goals on the go all time. You probably accomplish way more than you give yourself credit for just because they don't match up against a predefined list. Getting through exams, surgery, family matters are actually some pretty lofty tasks. Make the best of each day and know there are many many wishing you the best!
    3269 days ago
  • SLIMMERJESSE
    I understand how life can get overwhelming. I've lost so many people over the past five years, and my mom is currently dying. Then
    there's our daily lives which bring a host of
    challenges on top of all the grief from departed
    loved ones. The important thing is that you
    had your operation and are now on the
    mend. Give yourself TLC and patience
    during this healing time. Don't be hard in judging yourself. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. Big hug.
    3270 days ago
  • JSALERNO
    GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE AND TRY AGAIN. YOU KEEP TRYING UNTIL YOU CAN RIDE IT OFF TO THE SUNSET.
    3270 days ago
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