05/14/2012 - mind hamster of the day
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My heart's not in the Spark tonight. My oldest son, Colin, did something pretty thoughtless today and I can't shake the aftershock. Back story - It's been 12 years since his dad & I separated/divorced. In those 12 years, I've rarely received a present that wasn't crafted at school, art camp or something like that and I've been very happy with that situation. However, in the last three years he and Logan, wouldn't have done anything if Paul hadn't pushed them to shop and/or actually put some thought into it. That all aside.... on Thursday, I got a phone call from him asking me if I would pick him up at school, take him to DQ for a birthday cake for his dad, and then drive him to his dad's house across town. I asked him if he pre-ordered, asked if his brother was giving him money for it.... all kinds of questions because, after 12 years of not being together, I had ZERO interest in helping that man get anything, much less pay for it, BUT I love my son and I'd move mountains to make him happy. I digress. The second part of the saga...in the last 12 years, I've had four Mother's Day Sundays with my sons. Their step-mother once told me that it was just another day, "nothing special" and that, if it fell on their weekend, I wouldn't get them for the day. That first year, when I countered with "what if I denied him spending Father's Day with the boys" she told me that "every day was father's day when they were together" ... has been a) getting breakfasts made for her b) receiving cards AND gifts and c) spending that nothing special day with my sons. Yesterday, as the step-mother was away... I got to spend 6 hours with them. I was over the moon. I was a little disgruntled that they a) didn't buy/make me a card, b) got into a video game battle with their step-sister and c) didn't help at all with supper prep or clean-up BUT I was very happy that they were here and we made a pretty good day out of those few hours otherwise. TODAY, I picked up Colin at school and, on the way to DQ, found out that he intended to borrow the money for the cake from me. He'd pay me back with the allowance that he earned at my house. I was crushed. I felt kicked in the heart. They'd already picked up a present, they were making him dinner and, regardless of whether Colin could see it or not, he was making ME buy my ex husband a birthday cake.
I'm so angry with him, mostly because he doesn't see where he did anything that should have made me unhappy. Despite that, he's apologized several times. I'm also angry with myself because I feel like I'm being petty and jealous.
And then there's just this indescribable ache. They barely recognize my birthday, Christmas or Mother's Day...... I think today I just realized how much they take me for granted.
ok, the hamster wheel is squeaking too loud for me to get any more thoughts down. In any kind of sensible matter anyway.....