Wednesday, May 16, 2012
My whole life I've obsessed about my weight in terms of numbers. Sizes, pounds, and yes, counting calories, fat grams, carbs, whatever the latest info tells us to count.
And you know what? I'm really freaking sick of the whole mess. I have yo-yoed all over the place, and always kept going back to around where I am now. I have sizes that are too small in my closet, and sizes that are too big. I hang onto sizes that are a smaller number because it seems surely, SURELY, if I can just reach ONE number on the scales, I can fit into another number in my clothes.
Well. #@*& that. I'm tired of it. I feel awful every time I step into my closet. I feel awful if I gain .2 of a pound and see the changing number. I'm tired of it all, and how it makes me feel.
Yes, my weight is up right now because I ditched the whole counting system for a while. Also because of hormonal issues that I've yet to straighten out. But do I really need to feel bad about myself for that?
How about, instead of depending on numbers to validate who I am as a human being, I just make changes and steps without focusing on the number? What if, instead of eating an ice cream and settling in to watch a DVD, I eat an ice cream and go for a bike ride? What if, instead of obsessing over how many calories everything is, I just eat moderately and treat myself occasionally?
I used to have an eating disorder, that's how awful this whole lifetime of diets, "lifestyle changes," points, calories, pounds, ounces, etc., has made me feel. And over the past six months, I've felt myself slipping back into that head space of obsessing to the point of neurosis.
So I made a decision: no stepping on the scales. Not all summer. Scary? Yes! I have allowed myself to drive myself insane with this whole bull#&$% about seeing a number appear on the scales. I'm not going to just not keep track of what I eat, but how about I only focus on eating well, and just ONE number? My daily caloric intake and nutritional needs should be all I focus on, not how much it's all adding up or subtracting from my flesh.
It's liberating, and exciting, to think of this kind of change. I'm in a whole new change of life right now anyway. I'm selling most of what I own and moving to the beach. I ditched my grad school plans because I just don't feel like living a life that makes me unhappy. So this whole obsession over what I eat and what I weigh can just go too, because it's making me unhappy as well.
My experiment is this: not weigh in until September 1. (Unless I get pregnant between now and then, in which case I will have to for medical reasons.) Have a moderate amount of calories every day -- a deficit, but not one that makes me so hungry I want to eat the world. Count the calories, but also really enjoy the food I am eating. No more guilt if I want a Sonic Blast once in a while. Not every day, no, but once a week? Why not? The world isn't going to end, and as long as I'm eating healthier over all, it's not a bad treat with all its calcium and protein. I'm going to exercise more, but not as punishment like I have been. I just bought a cruiser and am moving to the beach in two weeks with my husband. Have you ever ridden a fixie on the beach into the wind? It's seriously as difficult as going up a big hill on a geared bike. We're going to be living in a bike-friendly city with tons of paths -- even just out the door! We will want to go to the beach on our downtime, and bike, and swim, and walk. I will do yoga and Zumba, and anything else I find fun. And screw all these intense workouts that I end up dreading.
My new lifestyle is about being happy and finding a good balance in all things. How I approach my weight and overall health is going to be the same way. I am done with fitting myself into boxes, sizes, numbers, etc. Enough.
The new way starts now.