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ROCKYJAY

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Humiliated

Saturday, May 19, 2012

It's been a year and half since I last blogged. I'm dusting off the old cobwebs from this spark account and trying to breathe new life into it. A lot has happened in the past 18 months but one thing that has remained the same is I'm slowly but surely continuing to gain weight.

A lot of things has happened to me in the past week alone. Life changing events has definitely put my weight into perspective where I feel that it is time to stop making excuses and stop thinking that everything is okay because it's not.

First off I've recently started a new job. There is nothing like feeling uncomfortable when you notice that you are the largest person everywhere you go. The chairs are tight around my hips, when I am walking with others, I'm always a few paces behind and at my job I'm dealing with patients and I feel uncomfortable meeting them because I don't want to be judged. I'm supposed to be helping them! This should give me the motivation that I need to work on my weight but all week I said I would do this or I would do that to make changes and to be honest I didn't do anything.

Secondly someone that I knew from Spark passed away this week. We weren't very close but we were Facebook friends and because he posted everyday he was still always in my life. I would read about his struggles and hardships. It was very hard for me to hear that he passed away. I know that if he were able to control his food demons he would still be around. That could be me one day. I've already been told at the doctor's office that my blood sugar level is pre-diabetic. I've been prescribed a medication (though haven't taken it yet) and advised by my doctor to get it together. I came up with a three month plan and knew that after those three months when I was tested again that I would be in the normal level again. I haven't acted on that plan either.

Lastly I was approved for my health insurance's weight management plan which includes weekly phone calls and a 12 week paid Weight Watchers plan. I don't feel I'm ready to join Weight Watchers but in order for me to take part in the program I had to join within 30 days and it was like either go today and lose out on taking part in the program because its only a one time thing. When I went to Weight Watchers today the first two scales they had me weigh on wouldn't register. Let me rephrase that. I OUTWEIGHED THE SCALES AT WEIGHT WATCHERS!!! This is Weight Watchers. This is where people go to get help with weight loss. I couldn't use two of their scales. I was mortified and humiliated with myself. I almost wanted to cry right on the spot. They instructed me to try a third scale and I guess that one did register my weight. I don't know what my weight is though because I guess with the switching around they forgot to write it down in my book. I am thinking perhaps it's a blessing in disguise because I don't think I would have been able to handle it. I'm at my highest weight because I've never not been able to weigh-in at Weight Watchers before.

So here I am now with every reason in the world screaming at me to make some changes. I hope that I can just take notice and do something because I don't want to be the story of the girl that someone knew on Sparkpeople that just couldn't get it together

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SARAHPPP
    I am so behind you!!! I am back at Spark people too and at the highest weight in my life. I am getting really sick from it and this time it is thyroid and obesity-induced asthma. It is going to kill me. I don't know what my head does but it just keeps saying everything is alright, just like you, but it is NOT alright! And I want the rest of my life. I do not want to throw it away. Thanks for posting!! You have helped me already. I am with you girl! Sarah emoticon emoticon emoticon
    518 days ago
  • LISAN0415
    You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.


    You've had a rough start but maybe that is God pushing you forward, you are a beautiful, intelligent young woman-people less equipped than you have done this, I have every confidence you will succeed!
    3024 days ago
  • EBETH2013
    Hello, Rocky Jay. I know we have never met but I am very proud of you. Just by reading your words I can tell you are very brave and strong willed. I just returned to sparkpeople a couple days ago. I didn't succeed with any weightloss 2 years ago but I'm determined this time. Maybe we could work together. emoticon
    3038 days ago
  • HEALTHY-CHOICES
    emoticon emoticon
    3038 days ago
  • ZIGGY122
    Okay, none of the scales worked at W/W ..... do not feel humiliated .... after all you came here .... You blogged about your experience ... you Sparked ... us to comment... show's you always have emoticon emoticon back!! We emoticon you. emoticon emoticon
    3039 days ago
  • MSSTACYJ
    I'm also back trying to repose what I gained back. We can do this!! Keep on pressing!
    3169 days ago
  • K1TT3N
    Awesome blog....... Thanks for sharing ..... Welcome back to Sparkpeople ..... I have found that this is where most of my support comes from and it keeps me going .. also my hubby is on Sparkpeople and we support each other but I also get alot and i mean ALOT of my motivation from friends on here
    3205 days ago
  • SCHWAYTHIN
    I am so proud of you that you got on SparkPeople and blogged after this happened. You did a positive behavior in response to an emotional stressor and if that is not a sign of readiness to change, then I don't know what is. You can do this!!
    3206 days ago
  • PLATINUM755
    The power is in you and you're taking the steps to take back control in your life. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3207 days ago
  • TINAJANE76
    Please don't feel discouraged afer your unpleasant experience. You've made the very brave first steps of going into a Weight Watchers and becoming active on SparkPeople again. Take advantage of the wonderful support systems here. There are lots of good people around. Good luck on your journey to better health!
    3207 days ago
  • AUNTKATHY
    I am also proud of you! You are taking steps in the right direction! Feel proud too. Don't give up! I also agree I can't believe that WW doesn't have scales to weigh everyone! Stay strong, keep your head up high and walk proud.
    emoticon
    3207 days ago
  • -RUBIES-
    Great blog! It looks like you are starting to focus on your health and are ready to make a change. Good for you. Fight off that inner voice that would like for you to continue in your old habits. The battle is in your mind, BUT, know that you win.
    emoticon
    3207 days ago
  • LITTLE_QUEEN
    WE ARE ALL HERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER, I AM BEGGING YOU THOUGH AS A DIABETIC MYSELF PLEASE TAKE YOUR MEDS AND START WORKING ON GETTING HEALTHIER, I DID NOT AND I AM PAYING FOR IT NOW, YOU CAN;T REERSE DIABETES DAMAGE, emoticon
    3207 days ago
  • KATD13
    I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. A very tragic wake up call, for everyone.

    Returning to SP is a great first step and every journey begins with the first step. No one is perfect, we all have issues & we're all in this together. You are not alone and you know that. It doesn't matter how long you've been gone, you will always be welcomed back. With love & hugs!

    Do not feel humiliated. Instead, feel proud. You are an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman. You can do this! You can reach your goals! We are here for you!

    3207 days ago
  • SHRINK_U
    You went to the Weight Watchers meeting and you got on Spark People and blogged. You are headed in the right direction. Welcome back!. I just came back to Spark People, too. I am sorry about the loss of your friend. emoticon
    3207 days ago
  • MINDYJ1
    Wow! I can so identify with your blog. You can do this! Just don't give up! Do you walk a lot with this new job? Maybe that will help with losing some weight. I will be praying for you. emoticon
    3207 days ago
  • HOPEFUL2DAY!
    Everyone has to start somewhere. I have not had that exact thing happen, but I have my own stories of feeling humiliated because of my size. It completely sucks and I'm so sorry you are hurting, but know you're not alone. We're all here for the same reason, well at least pretty much for the same desired results. We all have our varied reasons for what led us here.

    I totally get the whole, "am I ready" thing. I feel like I've done this so many times I'm embarrassed to tell my spark friends that I'm back... again. I can't help but think that they are wondering how long I will actually make it this time. I hope and pray this is it. This is the time that will make a difference, but... reality is, I don't know. But I do know I have to try. The only failure is in giving up completely, right?
    So on we go... together. You are not alone.
    *hugs to you*

    Tammy emoticon
    3207 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7512218
    Awww! Don't be sad! I am proud of you. You have taken on a new job where people don' t know how sensitive you really are. It sounds as though you like it and are getting involved. We all have to start somewhere,even if it is back at the beginning. Where ever the start is , it's a start. You are doing something proactive and I know you will be a success. You have a promising new life ahead of you.
    As I have lost and regained the same pounds for most of my life I know that I will never stop trying. To be better,more healthy, more active. To enjoy the life I was given as it was meant to be. And so will you. Baby steps ..it seems you are taking them!

    GO GET 'EM!!! WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU!!! BE HEALTHY!!! BE ACTIVE!!!!!
    3207 days ago
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