Monday, May 21, 2012
I have always been an insecure person. It likely stems from my mother always telling me I was a worthless piece of crap, and the mental and physical abuse I endured as a child. It didn't help to have what was thought to be a close friend remind you that you aren't good enough, that she is better in every way. I often trust people, more than I should, and put my self down regularly.
I really noticed I have a problem about a year ago and have been working on my confidence ever since. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I get so worried about things that It eats me up inside.
Like last week, I felt my life was spiraling into total chaos and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like I am failing at being a parent, that I am not good enough to raise my children with the proper values to succeed in life. I felt like I wasn't a good enough wife and that my husband would leave. I felt that I am not pretty, or have a nice figure, despite all my efforts. I find that I look to others for approval. Does my outfit look ok, do you like my hair, is the dinner I made ok, are you sure?
I hate this part of me. I spent most of every day last week crying uncontrollably because of it and I hate that!
I want to be confident! Bubbly and bold! Be sure of my self in my relationship, my parenting, my friendships, even down to my riding and I have ridden since I could walk.
I got to the new barn and would only ride when nobody was there because I was afraid somebody would tell me I wasn't good enough. How STUPID is that?? Why do I do these things to my self? Why do I care what EVERYBODY thinks about me? I truly HATE feeling this way but don't know how to stop it.
I am really making a strong effort to overcome these insecurities. I noticed that I am more secure in my running though. Ever since I started training my my self and running races by my self I feel much more confident. I don't have somebody to hold back, or hold me back. I have PRed and did it on my own. That meant a lot to me. I actually don't feel akward anymore when somebody tells me that they look up to me with my running. Granted, I am not the best or fastest runner but I get it done and that's what counts.
This past weekend I had an awesome date night with my hubby. I actually went and bought a sassy little dress and some cute sandals, curled my hair and all. Normally, I would ask Mike if I look ok, are you sure? Maybe I should change. I don't look good in a dress, my legs are too big... But this time I didn't. I wanted to, but didn't. After we were out and on the way to dinner he said I looked really nice. That was awesome! He said it a few times actually and I needed that! He said it without my asking!
This morning at the Y my plan called for pullups. I know I can't do them so I wasn't going to try. My friend Kris made me at least attempt it but it took about 10 minutes of looking around waiting for nobody to watch me fail. I tried, honestly, and couldn't do them so I asked for another option. The guy at the Y found an option for me but I was too shy to try it, until another 10 minutes he made me. That was the push I needed. I got all 3 sets done!
I know this won't fix it's self over night but I am trying. I am trying because I HATE feeling like I am not good enough.
SO....if you read my blogs in the future and see me beating up on my self. Yell at me! lol!
Tell me to stop being so insecure and wear my big girl panties and not care what others think. LOL!
The first step in making a change is to admit you have an issue and find a way to overcome it. I WILL overcome it!