A view of failure
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Warning- lack of motivation ahead. And blatant honesty.
I have lost my Spark. Not just misplaced, but lost.
I haven't exercised in almost a month now. I've gained back about 20 pounds that I'd lost, possibly more. I'm afraid to check the scale to find out the real truth. That's not just an expression either- I am truly afraid.
I started stumbling after a dental issue had me feeling like crap for over a week and I never got back into my routine afterwards. I just kept slipping and slipping and I finally just fell flat on my face.
What really sucks is that I have felt like a total failure ever since. Not only am I not exercising or counting calories or watching what I eat, but I have gained back a chunk of the weight I worked so hard to lose. It's like a double failure- I'm not making progress AND I've ruined some of the work I've already done.
What I feel most is shame. I am embarrassed to talk about weight loss or exercise because I feel like a fraud now. I can't say I lost 70 pounds because now it's a lie. Every day that I tell myself I'm going to eat better or work out and I don't, I feel like a bigger and bigger failure.
I understand that in hindsight, I had it easy before. It was so much easier to stay motivated when I hadn't really "made a mistake" or "screwed up". Staying at a plateau is nothing compared to this. Gaining a couple of pounds back for a vacation or for hormones was expected. But gaining 20 pounds back and with my skinny jeans now almost too tight to wear is just so... painful. Almost humiliating.
I'm an emotional eater so all this shame and disappointment is just perpetuating the cycle. I feel bad, so I eat to feel better. Then I feel bad because I ate and I just want to eat more to numb out. 2 months and 20 pounds later, here I am.
I know part of the problem is that so much of my self-definition is crafted by my appearance like a lot of women. I'm fat, therefore I'm less worthwhile than a skinny person. Gaining weight means I'm getting farther away from being worthwhile. Although logically that sounds like crap, I know it's true for me. I'll be worth more when I weigh less. I don't want that to be true, but I do believe that. I truly believe that's why I'm single at 37- guys don't dig fat chicks.
This post is here mostly for me to be honest with myself and confront what I'm feeling, but also to maybe show some of you where some of those negative thoughts come from. Maybe there will be someone who reads this and says "hey, me too- thank God I'm not alone", I don't really know. I mostly want to try to rekindle my Spark and reach out for a cyber shoulder to cry on.