I Just Fell Off A Horse
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I'm sure that there is a metaphor in this somewhere. Nevertheless, today, I literally, rather than metaphorically, fell off of a horse. I've been learning to ride these past few weeks thanks to a wonderful friend and accomplished horsewoman who has invited me to stay with her for 5 weeks at her new home in Northern California. It's a lovely gift that she and my parents have given me for graduation.
So, to review. I finished my doctorate. I am in California for a month learning to ride horses. I fell off of a very tall, very lovely horse today.
I have also come back here, to SparkPeople, to try to undo the damage I have done over the past many years to my body. I have let my mind take the front seat. I have very little sense of balance. (Note: That is not the reason I fell off the horse.) So mind before body instead of both at the same time.
I gained 20 pounds since the last time I was here, and I am now the biggest I've ever been. But I've been trying to start the weight loss process. Since May (graduation) I have managed to exercise at least 5 times a week, at least 30 minutes each time, avoid mindless eating (no more TV!), and find ways to de-stress that don't involve food. On this vacation, I've eaten only at home and have stayed within my calorie range. All that, and I can't make the scale move even ONE POUND. Not one. Single. Pound lost since May.
But here's what I did do. I went on my first trail ride this past weekend. I was so sore I couldn't move for 2 days. I felt ALIVE! It reminded me of my younger days as an athlete, when I would push my body to the limit--let it show me what it could do. I felt so good knowing that my body moved and persevered.
And then today, I fell off a horse. This was monumental. I have been hiding from my body, from pain--both physical and emotional--for a very long time. I've been hiding from my body and calling it work. But alas, I can't hide behind my studies anymore. I can't hide from emotional and physical pain. I just can't hide behind 120 extra pounds. It's boring me.
This vacation has reminded me how much I love movement and physical challenges. When I fell off the horse this afternoon, my friend asked me if I was okay, if I was shaken up. Of course, I feel fine. I feel accomplished. I feel like a real Cowgirl, now. And yes, I was a little shaken up. Something that had been stuck got shaken up, shaken loose. I fell off and I didn't die. I didn't break anything. I looked at my friend and said, "I'm getting back on." And I did.
So--I'm back on. I'm ready for this ride.