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Me, Myself and I

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

It happens to all of us. It has happened to me so many times in the past two years. If it didn’t happen, I would’ve been at my goal weight by now. Pardon my French, but Sh*t Happens I guess. Am I right? I can come up with all the excuses in the world, and in the end it’s all on me.

I hit a snag last summer in my personal life and wham. I didn’t want to do much of anything other than eat. I even quit the Y for a couple months. I remember talking to a friend on the phone and telling her that I had cake, cookies, a whole candy bar and was about to dig into the Haagen Daz. Sweets are my forte. Not chips, soda, anything else. Sweets. She told me she was going to come over and padlock my refrigerator shut. I was out of control. All because of a stupid man.

I have been an emotional eater all my life. However, when I got divorced in 2006 I actually lost 20 pounds. Go figure that one out. But I really thought this one was going to kill me. I didn’t exercise and I ate too much. Before long, I was back into my old habits. By the time I snapped out of it a couple months later, I had done some damage. The 41 pounds I had previous lost over months had started to come back on. By Christmas I had gained 14 pounds back.

The new year came and I had a new outlook. Or so I thought. I started eating right and exercising again. But I didn’t fully commit like I had before. Something was missing, I was only doing cardio. I “cheated” more often than I cared to admit. I lost a pound or two here and there. At the end of April for the first time ever, I walked into the Y to have my card scanned and walked out the back door. Just so I could get my 12 times in for the month and get the $20 insurance reimbursement.

That is when it hit me. What the hell was I doing? I was only hurting myself. Lying to myself that it was going well and that things would turn around for me and by summer I would be fit. Really? How many times have I told myself that? How many times have all of us told ourselves that? “I have to lose 20 pounds by Christmas because of so and so” Or “I just have to lose 10 pounds in two weeks for so and so’s wedding……..” When have I ever said “I really need to lose some weight because I want to be fit and healthy for myself”. Never.

I started this journey in early 2010 because I wanted to lose weight for my nephew’s wedding that September. I had a “man friend” that was a side incentive because he was very supportive and liked the new me. So I told myself I would do it for him as well. But last summer when I lost him, it all fell apart and I again told myself (see a pattern here, I talk to myself quite a bit, LOL) that I had no one to do it for anymore. Even though I have myself, and my beautiful teenaged daughter to do it for.

Since that “ta da” moment at the Y, I have been doing surprisingly well. I did hit a snag when I threw my back out and had to slow down for about 6 weeks. I continued to walk at the park with my daughter and in 3 weeks, I even lost 3 pounds. There have been “touch and go” moments but mostly I have done well. I still struggle emotionally with my inner self and my demons, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and know I get a little bit stronger every day.

A month ago I started a Facebook page to try and motivate myself as well as others, it is called “It’s Not a Diet, It’s a Healthy Lifestyle”. I even walked in a 5K with my daughter. I have lost 11 of the 14 pounds that I gained back, and am trying to get into a routine at the Y that fits for me. And Me only.

I’m going to do this. I want to get healthy for ME. I want to look in the mirror and like who I see staring back at me. I want to see my daughter get married and run and jump and play with my grandchildren.

No one else can make this happen, except ME.

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