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Wow...is it possible? Am I really back up to my heaviest weight ever?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

It seems, sadly, the answer is "yes." Yes, I am almost back up to 300 pounds (my highest recorded weight was 306...but I won't quibble over 10 pounds).

Truth is...I hurt. I mean...I really hurt. My hips, my feet, my back, my stomach...my spirit. All the hard work I put in for more than a year has been washed away in about the same amount of time. After losing 100 pounds from the end of 2007 to 2009, I had about six months when I wasn't actively losing, rather I was just being active and enjoying life. I even started to take tennis lessons and would walk with a friend after work for 3 to 5 miles several times a week. I could take all four flights of stairs to my office at work and not think about the elevator. I could buy off the racks at Target and other stores. I could wear cute shoes.

But I could not let go of the fact that I was stuck at 200 pounds (203 to be exact). I was tired of a year's worth of working to lose and, after 100 pounds, I was still considered obese. I was angry. It didn't feel fair!

And, then slowly and steadily, I let my emotions rule me again. I had a fight with the friend I was walking with (a guy I liked) and was devastated that he quit walking with me...so, I quit walking altogether. I got comfortable with eating more and making worse food choices. It didn't make much of a difference at first...and it wasn't until I had packed on 30 of the pounds I had lost that I started feeling miserable in my clothes and my own body.

Despite half-hearted efforts to get back on track...I fell further down the rabbit hole. Truth is, I don't even have that "spark" that got me started losing back in 2007. Then I was determined to be beautiful...and, yes, I wanted to get a guy's (any guy's) attention. But when I lost weight and had signed up for eHarmoney and Match.com and was STILL alone...even when I felt I looked great...I was more despondent than ever.

It's true you shouldn't lose weight for any reason than for your health and mental well-being. As a matter of fact, I just finished reading "Made to Crave" madetocrave.org/ by Lysa TerKeurst, who writes about "satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food." Wow...just wow. It spoke VOLUMES to me.

I have been looking at food all wrong. I have been seeking prideful goals of losing weight...not worshipful goals. Remembering to honor God with my food choices has given me pause...not entirely...but enough to make me want to pursue a weight-loss program again.

This time, I have to admit...I still want to be pretty. But more than that...I really want to be pain-free and free from being controlled by food. I truly believe God has allowed me to not only put on the weight I lost...but to this time have the added factor of having it cause me actual PAIN! I feel He is saying "HEY! SHELLEY!!! I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! FOOD ISN'T HELPING YOU FEEL BETTER! ONLY I CAN HELP YOU! LET ME HELP YOU!"

So...as much as I don't want to get back on the wagon...I have to make the choice to want to. I have to make the choice with every meal and every day to think about God and how I can serve him through my choices.

I'm hungry right now as I type this...and the thought of getting up in the morning before sun up to exercise is making me want to cry. But...I'm going to try to make my hunger be a song to God...and my tears a release of frustration and of fears and of self-loathing that I leave at His feet. I will try to make every leg lift and side bend a form of worship...as if I was kneeling to pray...a physical action to honor my Lord.

I'm afraid of failure...because that's all I've known in this area of my life. But I still have an inkling of hope that...this time...I can keep my eye on the prize. It's just that the prize this time isn't weighing within my BMI...it's honoring God with my actions, decisions and behaviors.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good luck Shelley! I'm starting over too, and so glad you are back on the site!
    3260 days ago
    Dee, I've already started praying for you! Thank you so much for the encouragement...and for the passages. I had never heard the 1 Corinthians passage (or at least never really put it into context for my life) before I read Lysa's book. Isn't it wonderful!?

    3261 days ago
    Hi Shelly,
    I read Made to Crave & it spoke to my heart as well. Your picture shows a pretty girl, but I know we don't feel pretty when we are this overweight. So it is difficult for anyone else to see and believe we are beautiful if we don't believe it ourselves.

    You are obviously a woman of faith. I am praying for you and humbly ask you to pray for me, as we strive to become all God wants us to be!

    St. Alphonsus Liguori said, "Nothing can satisfy one whom God does not satisfy."

    "Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything."1Cor. 6:12

    "Concern yourself not with what you have tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible to do. "-Pope John XXIII

    emoticon emoticon Dee
    3261 days ago
    MNJONES2...thank you. Courage isn't what I feel...I'm scared to death of failing and being embarrassed and gaining more weight. But...if you see courage...I'll try to see courage. :) I appreciate the encouragement.
    3262 days ago
    Shelley - you have great courage and God has given you that courage so that you can face the challenges you have and make progress. YOU CAN DO IT! yes it is hard to start over, but each day you can make a little progress. That little progress will add up.

    AND sparkpeople will be there rooting for you, praying for you!

    Best wishes on your journey to good health - and good health is way to be joyful.
    3262 days ago
    Thanks for the encouragement. And let me share it right back with you! You can reach your 20-pound goal! :)
    3262 days ago
    I've also gotten close to reaching my highest weight ever. I lost enough weight once to get within 10 pounds of my goal weight. That was many, many years ago and my weight has gradually gotten up there (It took a long time, though). I've been losing the same 10 pounds for about two years now. I've decided that I have to set myself little goals and not focus on the big picture. I want to lose around 20 pounds before my next doctor visit (which is in 3 months). I re-set my weight ticker yesterday and gave myself a new goal (since I've almost reached my original goal without losing the weight). I'm determined to do it this time, and I know that you can do it too. I find so much support on this site, so don't be afraid to ask for support when you need it!
    3262 days ago
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