It seems, sadly, the answer is "yes." Yes, I am almost back up to 300 pounds (my highest recorded weight was 306...but I won't quibble over 10 pounds).
Truth is...I hurt. I mean...I really hurt. My hips, my feet, my back, my stomach...my spirit. All the hard work I put in for more than a year has been washed away in about the same amount of time. After losing 100 pounds from the end of 2007 to 2009, I had about six months when I wasn't actively losing, rather I was just being active and enjoying life. I even started to take tennis lessons and would walk with a friend after work for 3 to 5 miles several times a week. I could take all four flights of stairs to my office at work and not think about the elevator. I could buy off the racks at Target and other stores. I could wear cute shoes.
But I could not let go of the fact that I was stuck at 200 pounds (203 to be exact). I was tired of a year's worth of working to lose and, after 100 pounds, I was still considered obese. I was angry. It didn't feel fair!
And, then slowly and steadily, I let my emotions rule me again. I had a fight with the friend I was walking with (a guy I liked) and was devastated that he quit walking with me...so, I quit walking altogether. I got comfortable with eating more and making worse food choices. It didn't make much of a difference at first...and it wasn't until I had packed on 30 of the pounds I had lost that I started feeling miserable in my clothes and my own body.
Despite half-hearted efforts to get back on track...I fell further down the rabbit hole. Truth is, I don't even have that "spark" that got me started losing back in 2007. Then I was determined to be beautiful...and, yes, I wanted to get a guy's (any guy's) attention. But when I lost weight and had signed up for eHarmoney and Match.com and was STILL alone...even when I felt I looked great...I was more despondent than ever.
It's true you shouldn't lose weight for any reason than for your health and mental well-being. As a matter of fact, I just finished reading "Made to Crave" madetocrave.org/
by Lysa TerKeurst, who writes about "satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food." Wow...just wow. It spoke VOLUMES to me.
I have been looking at food all wrong. I have been seeking prideful goals of losing weight...not worshipful goals. Remembering to honor God with my food choices has given me pause...not entirely...but enough to make me want to pursue a weight-loss program again.
This time, I have to admit...I still want to be pretty. But more than that...I really want to be pain-free and free from being controlled by food. I truly believe God has allowed me to not only put on the weight I lost...but to this time have the added factor of having it cause me actual PAIN! I feel He is saying "HEY! SHELLEY!!! I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! FOOD ISN'T HELPING YOU FEEL BETTER! ONLY I CAN HELP YOU! LET ME HELP YOU!"
So...as much as I don't want to get back on the wagon...I have to make the choice to want to. I have to make the choice with every meal and every day to think about God and how I can serve him through my choices.
I'm hungry right now as I type this...and the thought of getting up in the morning before sun up to exercise is making me want to cry. But...I'm going to try to make my hunger be a song to God...and my tears a release of frustration and of fears and of self-loathing that I leave at His feet. I will try to make every leg lift and side bend a form of worship...as if I was kneeling to pray...a physical action to honor my Lord.
I'm afraid of failure...because that's all I've known in this area of my life. But I still have an inkling of hope that...this time...I can keep my eye on the prize. It's just that the prize this time isn't weighing within my BMI...it's honoring God with my actions, decisions and behaviors.