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Life is what happens while we're making other plans

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

You really never know exactly what a day will bring. Or how you will react to it.

I knew my Mom was dying, and had been preparing myself for that finality for a while. And for the most part, I prepared well. I did much of my crying and real mourning long ago, one a shopping spree day or at a dinner table without Mom, or when I would continue some research in genealogy and come across the records of her life and times.

I've navigated the formalities pretty well. I took my regular Zumba class the evening after Mom passed, and with help from my family and friends, including you Spark Friends, I made the decisions about the viewing and interment and so on, and was able to be calm.

This week, all of that hubbub has past, though. I did not feel at all like Zumba, yesterday. (Fortunately, fate intervened, and the instructor announced that she'd gotten sick and would not be holding class!). I've done maybe one running workout lately, and felt kind of yucky then. I've been reluctant to cook at home (although normally I love to make meals at home). Today, I simply felt exhausted, although I had had a normal night's sleep.

I got a nice solid nap though. I've paid a couple of bills, and started to think about the aftermath, about the reconciliation of Mom's finances and her estate business. I know I need to get back to normal on Spark and I know that working out and eating better makes me feel better, too. It's just a matter now of doing it.

I wouldn't have expected that the relief I felt that Mom is now at peace and that the bad times are over, would have left me feeling quite this kind of melancholy. But that's how life is, I guess. It sneaks up on us and gives us experiences we wouldn't have expected, all while we think that we're sailing along and in control!

Well here I am, I must really be a grown up now. I think a part of us never really believes that our mothers and fathers will one day die. I think that a part of me always held some fantastical dream that I'd wake up and it would be a bad dream, and that Mom would be back in the midst of all the fun and the chaos that is daily life.

Love your Mom, and cherish the time together!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon It's perfectly normal to cope well immediately and then feel much sadder when all the 'busy-work' associated with a death is taken care of. Be kind to yourself, make time to exercise and take care of yourself.
    3011 days ago
    emoticon sorry for your loss. Believe me I know how you feel. I too am in mourning.
    3011 days ago
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    Your mom would be very proud of your tenacity and being the responsible "grown up". I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you'll keep trying to pop into Spark when you can so that we know you're doing OK and maybe it will help you start to create your new normal with out her here. You will be in my prayers.

    3012 days ago
    so sorry for your loss
    3012 days ago
    emoticon Grieving is definitely a Long, and Winding Road!! I am glad that Sparking is helping you deal with it!! Will keep you in my Prayers as you continue to deal with your New Normal.
    3013 days ago
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    3013 days ago
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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I believe that grief is the hardest part of life. I wish you much comfort.
    Kudos to you for respecting your own process. If you need to ease back into cooking and exercising, that's ok as long as you get back to it. Maybe you already know that, but I wanted to remind you.
    3013 days ago
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    The trajectory of grief is a long and winding road comprised of surprising depths of sorrow and glimpses of unwanted joy in the midst of it. Mostly, it creates a period of numbness and lassitude whilst the mind slowly reels out the news that our loved one is gone. We cannot seem to apprehend it all at once and each small discovery of what grief means brings with it its own wave of emotion. When this happened to me recently, I gave myself permission to be whatever I wanted to be for a period of time. I cannot say whether that helped or not; it didn't seem like I had much choice and in any case I cannot compare it to pushing myself beyond my capacities during that time. I wish you peace in your day.

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    3013 days ago
    I know you must miss your mom. Mine is 86 but still here and like a buffer between me and eternity.

    God bless you with peace.

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    3013 days ago
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