Work out Nightmare from a Fat Lady
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
The hardest part of a beginning is taking the first step. Going into the gym the first couple of times. I have joined the Biggest Loser Challenge that a trainer I used years ago is organizing. I have tried several times to get back on track on my own and I cant do it. I am doing this challenge with my sister in law. We are competing individually, but in the same competition. I have high hopes that we can both find motivation through this little fireball of a trainer we are using. I am writing this blog so that it is in writing of how I felt walking into the gym at the beginning, a feeling that i do not want to revisit again.
I walk into the gym not wanting to go. I know this particular gym is small, but it still exposing myself in yoga pants in the public. I walk in the gym to see 5 other people training. The same beastie little trainer is training us all.
Immediately I am put on a treadmill and told to do my 5k now. Now? Really? I am sore from the night before. I proudly step on that treadmill, I am not going to show my feelings. I can do anything I set my mind to... I stand on the dreadmill. I punch in 2.5 mph, 3.5 mph, I settle in at my fastest pace of 3.8mph. Anything faster than that and I want run. At this weight, it is not good to run, I will surely injure my foot for sure. My trainer introduces me to the girl running beside me and her friend. Oh no. More people to meet. " Hello. We are going to beat you in this BLC." " Ok",is my reply. In my head I scream you don't have a chance lady. She finishes her run and I am still walking that slow and steady pace. I try to move to 4.0 for 30 seconds and back to 3.8 after that. My trainer comes over to check on my breathing. My face is getting red. Can you breathe? Are you feeling ok? Sure I reply. In my head I scream this damn treadmill is not going to beat me.
She tells me to stop at halfway... She is going to have me do this in two sessions. She wants me and Jeff to circuit train with her. Jeff is 30 with 12 percent body fat. He looks like a ken doll..... Really? Stick me with him?
We are set up in the work out room. She guides us through our four exercises in this circuit. All with weights in our hands. Squats with medicine balls, lunges, push ups...Lord help me. I probably do 3 to his 10, but I am not going to let them see that my pride is ready to crack. We do another circuit with 4 more tortures. Sweet Jesus, what did I sign up for? I am sweating and light headed... OMG. Strength I need you. 4th circuit on machines. We jump through the 4 machines. Finally after 4 sets we are done. I want to pass out and throw up maybe both. I look at the young guy and he looks the same way. Jeff looks at me and said that was really tough! I don't know if I can finish this today. Wow I think to myself, skinny people struggle too. I thought it was just me.
I go to the next circuit of push ups and squats and lunges. I am not going to walk tomorrow, I am sure of it. I look at my trainer. I tell her that I am sick. I know that my heart rate at this moment is above max she has me sit until the room stops spinning. I feel defeated. I showed my weakness. I showed what I let this fat suit that encompasses my body has restricted me from doing. I catch my composure and she says to me, two sets of 15 crunches on the exercise ball and you are done for the day. I can do more! Really did I just say that? WTH, Jeanne the end is in site! My trainer walk over to me and tell me that I am doing great, but I have to listen to my body. She knows that I am determined. I did great with my work out. I finish the two sets of crunches and I drive to the YMCA to lick my wounds in the whirlpool and then rest in the saunna. Ahh
I made it through the work out. With all the self doubt and self hatred that engulfs me now. It is hard to love yourself when you hate your body so much. Amy and I are going to do this. I was given the opportunity by the trainer to do some of my workouts during the day. I know that the work outs with Amy are great because we understand what each other feels....But right now I hate myself so much that working out with one person rather than a whole group is helping me deal with my inner monster. I look forward to a couple of weeks down the road when I have built stamina and self esteem and I can look at this and say, " Remember how you felt, you never want to feel that way again. You deserve so so much more.
Strength. Praying for Strength.