I have no one to blame but myself.
I’m up, I’m down, I’m sideways. I’m up again.
In the last year I have had some doozies. This new year, 2013, has already been hell and the first month isn’t even over yet.
I have started and stopped, only to start again and stop again. The last couple months, however, I have not stopped, just hit some roadblocks.
Back in 2010 I lost almost 50 pounds with Sparkpeople. Add that to the 25 I had lost over the couple years before and I’ve lost almost 80 pounds in 7 years. In the middle of 2011 I hit a road block in my personal life and hit rock bottom. By the end of the year I had gained 14 pounds back. At the beginning of 2012, I decided enough was enough and that bastard wasn’t going to be the one to put me up to 220 again. I lost the 14 and I am now at 152, one pound less than exact weight I was after I lost in 2010.
My goal weight has always been 135. Give or take a few pounds. Ideally, I don’t care what I weigh. I just want the “squishy” part gone. The flab, fat, blubber, whatever you want to call it. I know I have come a long way. And I know I have a ways to go. It has taken me a very long time to figure out that this is a lifestyle. It’s not a diet. It’s not a race, it’s a marathon. I even started a Healthy Lifestyle page on Facebook last May. I have almost 1,200 followers if you can believe it. I post recipes, motivational items and exercise tidbits. It is more for holding me accountable. I never thought I would have so many followers. If anyone is interested, you can find me at It's Not a Diet, It's a Healthy Lifestyle.
Sparkpeople had so much to do with my success. And I let them down. I haven’t been tracking or logging with Sparkpeople, haven’t been blogging or talking with the community that started it all for me. And I feel very ashamed of that. Oh, I’ve logged in once every couple months or so. I was tracking with another app because I thought it was easier.
In my defense, I have been doing very good eating. I am still eating about 75% clean. I was on a roll, even with all the baking I helped my mom with that started on Thanksgiving. I even put out a challenge on my Healthy Lifestyle page on FB to maintain or lose through the holidays. Then my world crashed down all around me.
On December 23rd, my 78 year old mom got sick. She had been battling COPD and Congestive Heart Failure for many years. She was also diagnosed with Lymphodema several years back and was pretty much confined to a wheel chair and oxygen 24/7. She weighed about 260 pounds and was borderline diabetic. After she retired 20 years ago, she led a pretty sedentary life. Many years of smoking two packs a day and no exercise led her to this. In 2005, my parents moved into the bottom floor of my apartment building, and my dad and I have been her caregivers for many years. Mind you, I am also a single mom who works full time outside the home. Needless to say I have had a pretty hectic, stressful last few years.
So backing up, she was not feeling good and we “cancelled” Christmas dinner with my nephew and his family. It was a pretty depressing Christmas and I was glad when it was over. On December 29th, I called the paramedics because she was really struggling to breathe. Pneumonia the doctor said. And people with her respiratory condition do not do well with pneumonia. They put her on a respirator and there she sat. We tried weaning her twice, but she was just too reliant on the respirator. She had a living well and as everyone else, she did not want to be kept alive by a machine. So on January 3, my dad, sister and I made the decision to take her off the machines. She passed away peacefully with all of us, including my 14 year old daughter, by her side that evening. She is no longer suffering, she is able to breathe and walk and live now. I’m telling you right now, this has been the hardest month of my entire life.
But I have to keep on keeping on. My dad is a fragile, 81 year old man, who fell the day after she died and dislocated his shoulder. After 57 years of marriage to my mother and taking care of her the last 15, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. So I am taking him in with us. It will be an adjustment, but financially he cannot live where he is now, and the waiting lists for subsidized senior housing are way too long. Assisted living is not an option, as there is nothing wrong with him.
At any rate, life does go on. I don’t want to end up like her, sedentary and unable to breathe. I quit smoking in 2009, that was the first step. Losing weight has been the 2nd step, but I need to keep going, and instill healthy values into my daughter. Who is definitely going thru a rough patch. Her and Grandma were tight. This is going to be a struggle for her. I don't want her to have to go through what I've gone through in the last few years, watching my mother's life dwindle and fade away.
This week I have been hit with a nasty cold, but been doing good eating wise. On Sunday I plan to commit again to P90X and hopefully head back to the Y sometime this week. I have revamped my Sparkpage and will be blog-hopping and checking in with my long-lost teams soon!
I have recommitted to my health. Recommitted to Sparkpeople. Recommitted to life.
Let’s do this!