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ANGIEN9
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Thinking instead of sleeping...

Saturday, April 06, 2013

So what is wrong you ask? I have a friend going through a tough time. She wants to get a divorce and is taking steps toward that end. I am the only friend that knows. I told her I could keep this secret for her. I am really having a hard time with it! She doesn't talk to a lot of her friends, because she is basically lying to them. The problem is...some of her friends are my friends and I still want to talk to them. So now I am lying to them! emoticon

I understand that her husband is clueless and on his best behavior. I have told her of my experience with divorce. It is no walk in the park. I have played the devil's advocate. I told her of all the things that can happen. How hard divorce is and it is a blessing she has no children. I tried to approach it logically. I can't anymore. It is affecting me to much. emoticon

How do I tell her I can no longer keep this a secret from all our mutual friends? I promised I could keep it a secret. I don't want to break my promise! I don't want to feel like a traitor! I also don't want to continue helping her lie to my friends. Maybe I am taking this too personal. I tend to do this sometimes. It really isn't about me, but it is affecting my mood. I was very depressed yesterday. It took some tears and a little sleep to help me see that it is this whole situation that is causing me to be depressed!

What would you do? Help!!

emoticon sleepless in Montana!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ANGIEN9
    She does not want marriage counseling. As far as she is concerned...it is over. I am going to remove myself from the middle. I will no longer bring her into my conversations. I promised I wouldn't tell, but she is going to have to pretty soon. He is in denial and in a way, so is she. But I will not feel guilty or make my problem any more. Thank you all for your comments. Some sleep does help clear the thinking!!!
    2886 days ago
  • CARRIEMT
    This probably brings up some feelings from your divorce. Try to remember that everyone and every situation is different, what you felt might not be what she or he felt.
    It wouldn't be too much to ask her to get some counseling before she goes through with it, or to share with her what it felt like when you went through with it.
    I can't imagine it's easy for her either, divorce is the death of a relationship- that relation being to the one person you were most vulnerable and open with. Try to keep her fragility in mind as you move forward.
    Best wishes and strength SP friend.

    2887 days ago
  • DEBBYFROMMT
    Why is she keeping it a secret? Does she really want the divorce? Is she also lying to herself? Hang in there Angie! We're here to listen!
    2887 days ago
  • MT-MOONCHASER
    So, are you lying by omission or commission?

    If it is commission, why are you discussing your friend with other people? Is it possible to steer the conversation away from the subject? If they are asking you pointed questions, you can tell them that they should ask your friend if they want to know. It is absolutely NOT your place to tell them anything your friend has confided in you. The best course would be to just play dumb.

    If you feel you are lying by omission, I'm not sure what to tell you, other than it is absolutely NOT your place to tell them anything your friend has confided in you.

    Good luck.

    emoticon
    2887 days ago
  • no profile photo RIDLEYRIDER
    Wow, this could have been written by me! A friend of mine told me a similar story a week ago. She hasn't told her husband.....what a burden. We can only hope they are thinking things through thoroughly.
    2887 days ago
  • BUSYGRANNY5
    It appears that you may need a little perspective on this situation... IF your friend has taken you into her confidence regarding her marriage and pending divorce and you agreed to keep the confidence then it IS your responsibility to do just that. However, lying to your friends should NOT be part of the deal, it's not clear why or what you are lying to them about.. but... that is the issue... NOT the divorce.. If I were in a similar situation I would approach my friend and let her know that I would keep her confidence BUT would NOT lie for her. Perhaps you are taking this personally because of your own experience with divorce, which is entirely understandable...but from your post it appears that you've done your best to share your experience with divorce, ultimately the choice is hers. Don't make her problems/issues yours... LET GO and LET GOD!!! (No judgement here, as I have the same issues in my OWN life, still working on LETTING GO and LETTING GOD!!!)

    Have a blessed day!
    2887 days ago
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