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Physical, Mental and Spiritual

Sunday, April 29, 2007

It has been an interesting week. My emotions have been on a roller coaster. Where do I start.

Okay, lets start with the diet. I have been struggling for three weeks or more. If you look at my food planner and the days that are real low in calories, I couldn't bare to put in everything I had eaten. I was lying to myself. So I was all gung ho about starting this "YOU on a Diet" by Dr Oz. I went shopping, it took me two days and three trips to the store. And I don't want to say how much it cost. But any way, yesterday was my first day, I figured everything in the food planner, just to see the calories for the day. They were over 2000. This really made me nervous because in his book, everyone eats the same, excerise the same. And I was thinking that just can't be right. So I am following some of his program, which is mostly veggies and nuts. No red meat. But I decided to stay within my calorie range. And it has been two days, but I am doing very well. I just wished I could get that gung ho feeling back I had when I started. When I do get it back, it will be stronger than ever.

Okay, what else has been on my mind. My private team, is always on my mind. The things this women have gone through and still go through. The damage is universally and the reality is no one knows how bad it is, unless you belong to the club. Last night someone else sparkmailed me to get an invite. It always saddens me, when I get these sparkmails, because I know what that means. Another life shattered and for what. For something most people refuse to even acknowledge or that it is happening in their own homes. It sickens me and then angers me, when I think of just one other little girl, going through what the women on this team have gone through. But on the other hand, I am happy when I get these sparkmails, because almost all the women on this team, have said that "they have never told their therapist that", or "you do that to". Sometimes, they get on line and just post their whole story, it comes pouring out of them. And then they realized they had never told anyone the whole story. Then after that they start remembering other things. We encourage each other to see a therapist. We can't make each other, but once that point has been reach, then the healing realing starts. We are working on a project, I think will really help us and any one out there, that is suffering. And maybe, just maybe, more than one little girl can be saved.

And the last thing I have been dealing with is my "immortal soul". I have always been spiritual, I definitely believe in life after death. And of course that higher Power or Being. I was raised Catholic, not a real good one. And I haven't been to church for 25 years, until my fathers funeral 2 years ago. But then I was in one on Friday. I am trying to fit in, I seem to fall outside the norm. I'm not Jewish, Moslem and most Christian would not consider me Christian. So it is like I am on my own. I can find people like me on the internet. But I am so tired of communicating through a computer, I could die. I want to sit down and talk to a normal human being and talk about things I am interested in. So I wrote a letter and sent the same letter to 6 different Parishes. One came back, they could not deliver. I did get one response and I went and talked to him on Friday, (in my letter, I said, I believe in this, this and this. I don't believe in this, this and this. Would I still be welcomed in your parish). Just about the first thing, no make it the second thing he wanted to do, was get me into confession. While at the time, I was not that concerned, when I got thinking about it, so much for accepting me as I am. Now I know they think they have to save my soul and as fast as possible. But he moved just to fast, if he would have at least tied to talk to me, to make me understand, that what I believe is not that much different, but we need to work on making it the same. It was like what I has said didn't matter any more. And then last Wednesday night, I got a message from the priest at the Cathedral and he wanted to welcome me back and he would really like to talk to me. I had told him I would rather talk to him later in the week and it was like he didn't hear me and said I would be happy to talk to you after mass on Sunday. Now I am having a lot of doubts, I am not doubting on rather to go or not tomorrow, that is decided I'm not going. But I am going to call him, probably on Monday and explain why I didn't make it. Do I just say, sorry to waste your time, I don't think this is going to work, it was a bad idea anyway. Or do I tell him, what happened and why, I was unhappy about it. I know in the end, they, like I said, need to "save my soul", I believe my soul is fine, but if that is what they need to do, okay. But at least talk to me first. It is like a first date, at least feed me first, before dragging me to bed.

And so goes the saga of my life.

Have a good week
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