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Undeserving

Monday, May 20, 2013

I woke up this morning in the early hours because my hip was hurting. When I can't sleep, I usually check my email and go on facebook before trying to get back to sleep. I checked my email and the first thing I see is an email from sparkpeople saying Congratulations! You are today's featured motivator! I feel so unworthy of this. I haven't been on sparkpeople in like 9 months. A lot has happened to me in the past year and a half.

In October 2011, I ran my first and so far only half-marathon. I got injured and doctors in Maine couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I moved to South Carolina in March 2012. I was still told there was nothing wrong with me. It's a rough adjustment moving away from your home and family by yourself. I couldn't exercise like I used to and wanted to. I had to adjust to cooking for myself. I slowly starting gaining weight and losing fitness. Last summer, I saw a doctor who said I had a pretty big labral tear and my only option was surgery. I had surgery, was on crutches for 6 weeks and have spent a long road back to recovery. It's about 8 months later and I still don't consider myself normal. Exercise is still a challenge. My body takes longer to recover. I have to work on strengthening my muscles on my right side, quads, hip flexors, glutes while loosening up tight muscles and IT band by stretching and rolling. I've gained about 30 pounds, lost a lot of fitness and muscle mass. It's hard for me to swallow.

I've had a hard time committing this time around to losing this weight. I'd been trying to get back into running by doing a couch to 5K type program. The problem with this is I know what I used to be able to do and compare this post surgery self to my pre-injured self who could run faster and farther and do most anything. I was running a couple weeks ago, doing intervals, thinking about how tired I was and how this used to be so easy for me. I was reflecting on why I was having such a hard time committing to losing weight, why I was sabotaging myself with food (I try to be consistent with exercise when my body allows) and it hit me that I viewed getting injured as one of the biggest failures of my life. I know it's stupid, but that's what it is. Gaining some weight back is also a failure to me. So I realized that I'd been afraid to really try again, running and all that, because if you don't try, you don't fail. I decided that I needed to try again and be a success once more.

This past Saturday, I did a 5K with my new church. I haven't done any races since the half in 2011. I was really nervous and worried about hurting myself. I'd had some pains a couple days before and wasn't sure what would happen during the race. Plus I hadn't run 3 miles in a long time. The most I'd done was between 2 and 2.5 miles walking and running, sometimes more walking than running. I ran the first 2 miles of the 5K without stopping, walked a minute then ran the rest of the way. I got 32:24. Not my best time but definitely not my worst. Regardless of that, I was very proud of myself. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. It was the first time that I'd ran a race for myself and was happy with the time I finished. It was a small 5K, only about 200 people. Somehow I managed to get third place in my age group. What an unexpected blessing!

The next race will be a ways away; I have quite a bit of work to do to build up my leg strength. I'm still sore from the 5K, but I know what I need to work on now. I need to find a strength training program that will work best for me along with running. And I need to also get my diet and nutrition back on track.

In closing, I do still feel unworthy of the motivator title because I don't feel like I am that girl any longer that you see on the front of my page. I'm trying to find her again or maybe in the process will find a better new me. When life gets in the way of your goals, even if you are only holding on by one finger, keep holding until you can find yourself moving again.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TOMATOCAFEGAL
    HOPE YOU ARE STILL HERE AND MAINTAINING.
    1112 days ago
  • IMAQUALITARIAN
    I get what you were saying here, but you're wrong. You are an inspiration because you are a fighter. Fighters do not always win, but they never give up! That my friend, is you. So you have 30 lbs to lose...you've lost more than that and you can do it again! Maybe we could do it together???
    2160 days ago
  • SUEAZZI
    Struggles, set backs, fear of failure are experiences I think many of us can relate too and that's one of the great things about the Spark community ~ we can relate to each other. You are a motivator, and an inspiring one at that! AND considering all you have been through your 5k time is great.

    I've been side lined from running since October but with the help of PT I've started running again. Yup, it's like starting over but I'll take it.

    emoticon emoticon
    2742 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Wow, I never realized, until seeing this photo, how gorgeous your eyes are. You look happy and healthy. I am SO glad you are back, and blogging. Sweetie, people who appear perfect and totally together are not inspiring to most of us, they are intimidating. People who fall and get up, over and over, who struggle but don't stop, who push through pain and struggle through setbacks, THEY are inspiring. YOU are inspiring.
    2744 days ago
  • CHANGINGHORSES
    Hey SUZE!!! So glad to see you here, I think about you often and wonder how you are! You are an inspiration Hun. We all struggle and we have some setbacks. How we handle the setbacks is not always the most ideal way but those of us that keep swinging at the ball are going to make a big hit now and then. You have made big hits in your life and here at Spark.
    I am so glad that you are still doing what you can and I believe that you will continue. I am hoping to do my first half this year and you are one the people that inspired me to even begin to think about such a "half crazy" idea.
    emoticon emoticon
    2744 days ago
  • SPEEDYDOG
    Suzi,

    I am just glad to see you are back on SparkPeople. I missed you.

    Thanks, Bruce
    2744 days ago
  • SUE5007
    Hi Suz, I can totally relate. I have a fear of failure as well. It's good that you know what is holding you back. You can look that fear in the eye, learn and grow from it. (And kick it in the butt some days) ;)
    I'm jealous of your 5k time...better than mine by an entire minute.
    emoticon
    2745 days ago
  • CALVIND
    Don't beat yourself up. You are an inspiration and you will get back on track again. I have had a set back as well. lost 50 lbs. and only had about 25 more to go then moved to Trinidad for 4 months and we moved back to Canada because of the crime. With the hot weather and other things going on I gained 25lbs. back as it seemed to hot to exercise. Just having a hard time getting back into the exercise and eating right again. We will both get back on track again. Just a little set back in life.
    Hang in there. Lets both get back on track together. emoticon emoticon
    2745 days ago
  • PJBONARRIGO
    Woo hoo! I'm thinking that this is actually a well deserved Motivator award and it sounds like it came in a very timely fashion and can even encourage you! I just had to try to encourage you as I have "been there- done that" too. LOL I am almost on the other side now. I had a "catastrophic" injury two summers ago and am slowly working my way back. Sometimes I question the value of even trying. It is so discouraging to see the losses that you have attained in your fitness journey. I have been using the mantra "Everyday in every way, I am getting better and better". I also keep returning to "Let it go" and "That was then- this is now". If you can see the progress you are making and value that, you will be good to go. I have been looking at the progress I am making on this journey and trying hard not to be like Lot and look backwards.
    Celebrate every little victory and savor it. I am also intent on "keeping my eyes on my own paper" and not comparing myself to others. I had been on the top of the whiteboards after the WODs, now I am the Queen of not Rx and DFL. I just take a huge breath and think of one of my favorite boxes- I am Undaunted! It gets me past a LOT of hard places.
    My only other gem of wisdom is to strive for excellence- looking for perfection will only bring pain and sadness. Even Lexus "saw" that- they now have "The relentless pursuit of excellence".... no longer perfection.
    In the long run, every day that we can get up and have another chance to challenge and change things is a very good day.
    Wishing you all the best, another Crossfit Maineiac- run happy!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon PJ
    2745 days ago
  • KARENE10
    You are inspiring and motivating. You will get back in the groove. Sometimes it just takes a little while. Glad to hear that the surgery is behind you. emoticon on the 5K. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2745 days ago
  • CARRILU
    and that my friend is exactly why you ARE an inspiration!
    2746 days ago
  • KRISKAY1962
    TAKE HEART, YOU ARE AWESOME AND AN INSPIRATION. THANKS FOR SHARING IT REALLY HELPS THOSE OF US WHO ARE STRUGGLING. AND ISN'T THAT WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT. WITHOUT STRUGGLES LIFE WOULD BE TOO EAS emoticon emoticon emoticon Y.
    2746 days ago
  • ROBBIEY
    I think your story is motivational and inspirational. To even get back to running after that type of injury and surgery is great.
    Don't be afraid, you can get back to your old running self slowly but surely.
    Good luck!!! emoticon
    2746 days ago
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