I'm your fool...
Anyway, I have some unloading to do, so if you're having a good day, you may wanna save this one for another time. I don't wanna be a downer for ya! ;-) No, really.
Right now, I feel like someone is getting the best of me (see the video I linked above). My job. Yes, initially I was excited. I had my work cut out for me prior to state survey. I mostly enjoyed what I was doing. Then, the after state effects have taken hold... Budget cuts, staffing cuts, etc, have left me very saddened. Workplace politics at their finest, I can tell you! For the first 6 weeks of this job, things were easy to overlook because I was intensely focused on passing survey. And I did so, very well. Almost immediately after, these things started becoming more noticeable, prominent, not "overlookable". And I have found myself slipping into a depression. I feel completely consumed by this job. When I'm not there, I'm constantly worried I'll get a phone call about something: someone calling in sick, something happening and I need to go in, whatever. I can't even focus on anything outside of work. I have come home on more than one occasion (okay, SEVERAL occasions) and just sat with my mom and *sobbed*. There was even a day at work where I spent the entire day exercising all the willpower in my entire body -literally- to keep from crying (and I failed at one point... luckily on my lunch "break"). The stress, the intensity, the responsibility. It's more than I think I'm able to handle.
And of course, I feel conflicted. There are parts of this job that I do enjoy. I enjoy interacting with the residents and doing the responsibilities as they relate to nutrition and working with the registered dietitian. It's the other half of my job that I hate: kitchen management. Wow, do I ever hate it. I mean, seriously. I don't like being in charge of the employees, I don't like ordering the groceries (or putting them all away by myself), I don't even like having to do the cooking on the occasions that I have, even when the residents have nothing but compliments for me when I do. But, that is what a DSS does. We oversee both the nutrition and the kitchen. We don't get to pick one or the other.
The other conflict is, of course, money. It's very nice having the income. I'm able to do some things I haven't been able to do for a while (upgrade cell phone finally, get a Kindle, buy some clothes for myself -I believe I've mentioned in previous blogs that I hadn't done that in several years, yes, YEARS- help my family out with stuff they need...) and with the income I'd be able to buy a car (currently saving for one, or at least a nice down payment), get new glasses (whoops, still haven't done that one and I've needed new glasses for a few years now), buy a new computer, a gym membership or ballet lessons again... Not having money has been tough. I haven't had money since I graduated from UCSD (3 years ago) and it is quite the struggle. I don't want to do that again.
However, is it worth all this? The tears, the stress, the sleepless nights... I don't see my family any more and I live with them! I'm afraid of what juggling school and work is going to be like. I start classes again on August 19th, and luckily am able to take night classes, but still. Chemistry and Medical Terminology are not easy classes. And I don't want this job to slow me down when it comes to school. If I don't keep going in a forward motion, then that's just going to extend the time until I'm going to be doing what I really want to do. I don't want to be stuck down here for 5 or more years when my plan is to be here no more than 3.
And I also don't want to disappoint anyone. I told my granny about it and her reaction seemed as though she would be disappointed if I stopped working. My mom I think would like it. I would be disappointed to that it had to come to that. I would be sad about leaving the residents and coworkers...
It's a huge weight on my mind. And I'm seriously, honestly feeling very blue about it. My mom is afraid that I'll end up having to go to a shrink and end up on anti-depressants just so I can get through my work week. At first I thought that was a little dramatic, but really... I think that's a valid fear because I can see myself heading that way. And I'm not sure what to do about it. My nutrition has suffered tremendously. And I know better. I've eaten more fast food than I care to admit, and only make sensible fast food choices about 25% of the time. Why have a grilled chicken salad with low cal balsamic dressing when I can have the bacon burger and french fries?! Why have the egg white english muffin sandwich when I can have the egg, cheese, sausage biscuit?! Whip cream on my mocha? You bet! Coke Zero or unsweetened iced tea? Pfffft... COKE!!! And I know better. Don't even get me started on exercise. Admittedly, I've found a gym I'd like to join, and it's pretty reasonable as far as rates go. No boxing classes, but I'm still working on that, too. Ballet isn't until fall sometime. I haven't actually done any exercise. I can feel my clothes getting tighter. My thighs getting flabbier. My stomach getting softer. And my "second wave" arms getting... erm... wavier. But, I'm too tired to work out. Too unmotivated. Too depressed to move at all, unless its for basic functions and to get to work. And be at work, doing work. Then, coming home from work. Once I'm home though, I don't have any desire to move any more.
Ideally, I'd have a part time job that isn't so stressful (something even a little mindless would be nice) and I'd continue with school until I've done all the chem, o-chem, bio chem, micro bio, anatomy, and physiology required to get into a program. NONE of those classes are going to be easy.
A lot of things for me to ponder.
Oh, and I got my final PhotoShop project to save without crashing a computer. Here it is, in it's tiny, shrunken glory (remember, it's supposed to be the size of a movie poster)