Sunday, July 14, 2013
I have had a few friends on here ask how I'm doing so here is my update! First of all I know that no one wants to read sad depressing things all the time but I really don't have much positive to talk about! Since my mom passed away I have gained ALL my weight back plus some.....I never thought that I was an emotional eater but I obviously am! I keep trying to get back on track but I just don't have it in me to do it right now! I have a closet FULL of clothes that don't fit and hardly any clothes that do. I am embarrassed about how I look and about the fact that I gained back so much weight so quickly!
A year ago on the third of July I asked my grandparents (my moms parents) if me, my hubby, and our kids could come to their house to go swimming on the fourth and my grandma said that was fine and that she had already invited my aunt, uncle, and cousins over. When we got there I saw my step dads car there. If you haven't read my past blog posts my mom was an alcoholic and my step dad kept giving her Vodka knowing she wasn't eating and was so bad she couldn't walk and did nothing. Had he called 911 when things started getting bad she would still be here! I'm not an idiot.....I know he didn't make her drink but I can't imagine watching someone I love slowly die and doing nothing! Anyway, when I saw his car I started having a panic attack because I was not ready to see him. I called my grandparents and I told my grandpa that I was sick and couldn't come over and he kept giving me a hard time and telling me to come over. I finally told him the truth and he got mad that I wasn't coming and hung up on me! I was not mad at them that he was there because I think maybe that's how they deal with her being gone but I just wasn't ready to see him! I called them in September and told them that one of my kiddo's got his tonsils out and I called my grandpa on his bday (November 11th) and we sang him Happy Birthday and talked to him for a little while! and my aunt called me a week before Thanksgiving and invited us to Thanksgiving (usually my grandma did that) I told my Aunt that we had plans but that we would be at Christmas! A couple days after Thanksgiving my mom's cousin called me and while we were talking she told me a story about my grandpa's birthday party which everyone in my family was invited to except me!
My grandma called me on my moms bday (December 18th) to see how I was doing and I asked her why they don't want to see me and she said that she loved me but they can't deal with my drama (all because I wasn't ready to see my step dad on the 4th of July). My mom was an alcoholic so she on many occasions called family members over and over and said she hated them, wished they would die, chased my grandma with a machetti, and her husband (my step dad) got arrested 2 times in 6 weeks for drugs, and got him and my mom fired from a great job they had (my mom had been sober for a long time and was doing well at this job) It was at a check cashing place and my step dad was supposed to be going to the bank with the checks but instead got drugs and went on a drug binge! He went to a hotel and no one knew where he was for 3 days and because my mom and him were both managers they both got fired! Not once have either of them not been invited to a Holiday but me that doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, I've never been arrested, I'm a great mom and I'm married to my High School sweetheart but I have too much drama because I wasn't ready to see my step dad and now I'm not a part of the family but he is :(!
My grandma called me in January to let me know she was going to take a tv stand we had given her to Goodwill unless we wanted it back and we chit chatted for a second. Then she sent me a Birthday card (my bday is June 30th) and there was a note in it! I was hoping for something that said she loved me or missed me but instead it said that her and my grandpa had moved from the house they had for 48 years.......the house my mom grew up in......the house I spent a ton of my childhood (yes they used to love me).......the house I loved that I told both of my grandparents how much I loved it and wanted it all the time. My grandma called to ask me if I wanted a tv stand but not to tell me that they were moving or to ask me if I had a sentimental attachment to any of the things they gave away! She told me how much my grandpa loves the new house but that she misses her friends, shopping, and her Doctor's but not me or her great grandchildren! I cried for days and sadly this is something I will think about every year on my Birthday! Although I really don't think they do I sometimes wonder if they try to hurt me because I can only imagine they knew I would be heartbroken about not getting to come by the house one last time but instead I think they are just so disconnected they just don't get it!
I am heartbroken! I try to always be a good person! I'm not going to lie....I am emotional but if you read all the things above plus I have tons more stories en I think it's understandable why I'm emotional! I can not explain what this has done to me. I can't explain how it feels to feel like the enemy and have my mom gone and now have no family on her side.....I am broken just broken! I am depressed, I have no energy, and want my family to love me!
Now that I said all that I want to end on a positive note! I have an amazing husband that adores me no matter what my weight is. He unlike my family sees all the positive in me that I don't ever see! I have 3 beautiful and amazing kids! They light up my like! They are caring, compassionate, and beautiful inside and out! I also have the best Mother in law! She is wonderful! She is very good to us and I never doubt how much she loves all of us! Last but not least I have the best friends! They are always there and they make me smile! I would be so lost without all of these wonderful people! Thank you to all of you that have checked on me and please know that I am strong and I will get through this and hopefully soon I will get back on Sparkpeople and get my butt back in gear!