my story so far

I have always been a big girl. I was 100 pounds in kindergarten, 150 lbs in 4th grade, just over 200 lbs in 8th grade, etc. I was (at least) 340 pounds in 2008 when I decided to do something about it.

Long story short, I got down to 240 by 2010, but I could not get any lower. I was doing mostly clean eating, about 1500 calories a day, doing Zumba 3 times a week, aquatic classes twice a week, strength training 2 or 3 days a week. For months I tried playing around with more or less of this or that, and eventually I just started gaining again. At 260 lbs, I "gave up" and tried WW. When I was doing "everything right" with their system and still gaining weight, they accused me of lying. Thyroid tests were done and the levels were "off, but not off enough to cause any symptoms". Even doctors told me I must be lying (to myself and them) about my food intake and exercise. Frustrated the heck out of me and then I sort of did give up. Couldn't afford the gym membership and I wasn't getting any results, so I dropped it. Started slowly relaxing my eating, and before I knew it, I was back over 300 pounds.

Currently around 315, and I've been there for almost two years. When I track calories (not "dieting", just checking for the hell of it), I average about 2000 calories a day. I do have my gym membership again and I'm using it (of course in a fibro flare right now, so not much more than aqua classes right now). For me weight, my BMR is just over 2200 calories. (This is the magical theoretical number of calories my body should burn a day just by existing.) Eating just under 2000 calories a day, like I do, (even without any exercise) should result in a loss of a pound and a half a week. Obviously, that's not the case for me. I'm not even on any meds at all, so that's not the explanation.

"Eating less" is not the magic answer. Neither is "exercising". Sometimes our bodies just suck. (I've had fibro since I was 13 and was diagnosed at 18.) I am proof that you can "do everything right" and still gain or maintain weight.

I've had fibro symptoms since at least the age of 13 and was diagnosed at 18 with the fibromyalgia because no doctor could figure out what else it could be. They hinted at IC, PCOS, and endometriosis based on symptoms but there was really no follow up on anything. My one rheum worried I might have MS (largely due to the tingling, dropping things, tripping, etc) but that hasn't seemed to progress, so thankfully apparently not. I've had moderate to severe asthma since I was 2 as well. I'm 27 now and working several part time jobs and still living at home. Dad's insurance company decided fibromyalgia no longer counted as a disability to be a "disabled dependent" (which should have kept me on insurance until I'm 31), so I haven't had insurance in a few years. I'd kill for some Skelaxin, lol.

My dad had a heart attack and rush double bypass a month and a half ago, and my mom had several strokes over the last year, so there's a quite a bit of stress at home and I end up dealing with a lot and picking up a ton of slack and filling the caregiver role sometimes. My 20 year old sister moved out last month, so that's less stressful. She never really helped with anything at home, anyway, honestly. My 25 year old sister has mild CP and also works part time but doesn't drive.

On top of that, my mom says I have "selective fibromyalgia" and/or that I exaggerate or straight out make up symptoms and pain, etc. All I do is work (my part time jobs), sleep, hop on the computer for an hour or so a day, and help around the house a little, though that often suffers the most (straightening my room, etc.) because I'm too darn exhausted and in pain. I've been that way at least a decade. That's NOT normal for someone in their 20s (or anyone.)

Anyway, I decided to stop obsessing over calories and even tracking, and just get in the exercise I can and go from there. I know I just drive myself nuts and frustrate myself when I go full bore and do things right and don't get results, so I think I'm going to work on little things. Even just exercising makes me healthier, even if I don't lose any weight.

Thanks for listening to my rambling story.

- Josie