If you look back at my blog history over the past few years, I have dreaded the4th of July and this week in August. I hated going to the local parades and feeling so badly about myself. At the 4th and on the local parade today, I see everyone from church, from the neighborhood- and it is always hot....so I can't ever hide the fact that I have not been taking care of myself. A parka and long pants just don't work on a hot day in August!
This morning, I was feeling great. I got on the scale...163.0......point ZERO! I am officially lower than ever before on Sparkpeople...and I have been on this site since my little guy, who turns 6 on the 23rd, was 2 months old. YAY ME! I put on a cute new sundress that my husband said he absolutley LOVED on me...and he is stingy with the compliments! So I was feeling really great...for a change! We were on our way to the parade and I was looking forward to the day.
About 10 minutes into the parade, I saw a good friend walking with her son's preschool class. I waved hi and she came running over. About halfway to me, she shouted "OMG! You did not tell me you were pregnant again!!"
Seriouslly? Are you friggen kidding me?
I think my face said all that and more, because then after telling me how really great I looked and she had just heard of another friend being pregnant and on and on....she finally left with her group from the parade...thank God. I know many people heard her, but were polite enough to pretend they had not.
Of course I would be full of crap if I said she didn't ruin my day and my mood- she did. She undid all the feeling good I had done all morning. Those few stupid words turned me inside out. And if I was miraculously pregnant...would I announce it on the friggen street corner if front of the world?
Of course I called my husband to ask him why he would tell me the dress looked good...and I questioned my daughter about how it looked.....I felt trapped in a conspiracy to get me to buy the "make mom look huge and pregnant and only she won't know it dress". Had my mirror hidden the fact that I looked enormous?
Now, I am pretty self aware. I know I have a long way to go on my journey. And my journey will never end at a "finish line" because I am an emotional eater, and I will always be an emotional gal....so I will always have to be aware of what I am doing. But, I will not burn my dress- as I had previously decided during the car ride home. I will hold my head up and say...Ok....I may still look fluffy...not pregnant, but fluffy. I can deal with that. And I will always have to deal with stupid people who have no clue about how their words can affect others...I love Lauren, but she tends to be an airhead about things like that. OK.
I will admit there was a sting of tears in my eyes because it is so important to me to get to a happy mental place with myself. But, tears are gone....dress is still on my body...and I still feel proud of myself. Prouder, in fact, because I stood tall even after she swiped me down. I made myself stand firm when I wanted to just run home to my Spark family and hide. So, about an hour and a half later, I can share my story and know that many of you will understand how I felt, feel my fury, and also feel united with me in the "I don't care what you think" Club....because I realized- I don't really, deep down in a meaningful way, care what she thinks of me. She has no idea how many squats I have done...or that I can now run a mile....or that my old pants fit again. She has no idea about anything about me- except that she thought my tummy looked puffy and she decided I was pregnant. As I looked at other women, not all who wore dresses looked like tall, slim models. Many looked like I did....and they looked cute in my view. Today reminded me that the confidence and self love have to come from inside of me...because I can't leave those precious feelings to be shaped by people like Lauren.
(But I am a big believer that Kharma comes around- so lookout, Lauren!!!)
Anyone have a story like that to share? What would your come back have been? Mine was a stunned "thanks a lot"....dang, wish I had come up with something better!