Sunday, September 01, 2013
I haven't really been committed to my weight-loss journey since last December. I made candy to sell to make money for Christmas...peanut butter fudge, chocolate fudge, peanut butter balls, ... I thought since I had been on the cassein-free diet since January and had built my willpower up enough to buy my mom donuts, milkshakes, ... that I would be fine. I did great until about a week before Christmas which was great since I started the week of Thanksgiving! Now, if I made it that long why couldn't I keep it up until my last order on New Years Eve??? Of course, I did take a small taste of each batch to make sure it was OK but not even enough to be considered a bite. I can't tell you what possessed me to just give in but I sure wish I had it to do over again.
Many things have happened in the past 8 months. I can't go into a lot of it but I will say that as I watched my mom slowly die, I found myself getting depressed which meant that I ate more, quit going to exercise (which made me feel worse both physically and mentally), and continued to get more and more depressed.
Mom passed away on June 10th. By then, I had been praying for a couple of weeks that God would take her so she wouldn't suffer any more.
I really thought I would go back on my diet and start exercising again as soon as my sister moved out after mom passing but I've kept putting it off. I handled her passing really well for the first few weeks because I knew she was with God and no longer in pain. Then it started hitting me. Something would remind me of her. I didn't miss the woman who went home to be with the Lord because she was just a shell. I miss my MOM!! My friend.
August 1st I left to visit my oldest son in VA and my niece in NC. 2 1/2 weeks later I made it home. Great visits but with my Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and everything else, it was too much. I've been recuperating ever since I got home.
This past Tuesday was my daughter's birthday. She had wanted cookie cake but got that at work so I had to think of something else to take over. My granddaughters, 5 & almost 2, needed something to celebrate with! So...I bought a cheesecake with different flavors and a small cookie cake from Walmart. Cheesecake is my favorite!! I left without either of them even being opened! I thought...that's great!! I'm so proud of myself! But then...I couldn't get the cheesecake off my mind!!! I found out the next day that she took it to work. I was so upset because if I could just have a piece... So on Friday night I went to the store and bought an entire Sara Lee cheesecake and ate the ENTIRE thing by myself by Saturday night!!!!! That is 2,940 calories just in cheesecake!!! Who does that????
That was really an eye-opener when I realized that I had eaten the whole thing! So last night about midnight I knew something had to change. I've got to get a grip on my health and my life!!
I got up and went to church this morning for the first time since I got back in town. Honestly could not make it due to health these last 2 weeks that I've been back. The sermon was on marriage and I'm divorced but God showed me how it applied to my life. I need to give Him ALL of this! I can't do it on my own. He has always been there to help me through everything in my life and has blessed me in so many ways!!! He wants to help me with my diet, my pain, debilitating fatigue which really makes me not want to exercise more than I already don't want too, my total health (physically, emotionally, spiritually). He wants to help me with every area of my life. I know this and always have, I just forgot for a little while. I've spent the last few hours on sparkpeople looking at recipes and planning my week.
I'm embarrassed to be back at this point again. I'm embarrassed because I've started so many times before. I'm embarrassed about a lot of things but God's grace is sufficient for all my sin! I have not treated this body He gave me very good at all but He forgives me and I'm starting fresh today. I can't worry about those who will judge me because I haven't stuck with it before. I can only trust God to give me the strength I need for each new day and if I mess up, it's OK. I pick up where I left off instead of beat myself up.
I am so blessed that God chose to wake me up today so I could start over!! I give Him all the praise and glory for what He is going to do in and through me!