Out. Of. Touch.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Are you looking for a positive blog? Well, this ain't it.
Are you looking for me to come back up in here all sad and glum, but feeling hopeful about the future? Sorry, not gonna do that right now.
You want to hear me get up in the pulpit and say hallelujah and amen sisters, I have the answer and I'm comin' clean? Maybe, come back next Sunday.
Truth, I haven't been here in months. I haven't lurked. I haven't quietly read along with what you're doing. Instead I'd put my sports bra on in the morning, plan a workout, then spend the day dipping the spoon into Nutella. I have not come here, even once, to check in on a team. I have been too busy playing candy crush saga while laying on my bed, injured foot propped up "resting" after my "hard" physical therapy. I had no idea what my spark page looked like anymore, it was like Christmas morning a couple minutes ago. What color will it be? What picture is in the background? When was my last blog? My last status? Squeeeee!
Okay, it was a little more dread than uber-excitement. I was pleased to see that the background pic was Wheeler peak in New Mexico. Mainly because it's the only goshdanged thing I've accomplished this year of an athletic nature. I climbed that beeyotch. But reading my last blog was disappointing, 8 weeks pre-hike when I thought I was getting skinnier for the hike (newsflash: I hiked all 200 lbs. of me up that 13,000 footer). My most recent status from 157 days ago read something about how many days of clean eating would it take to erase a few bad days of binging. Hmmm, so how about a few MONTHS of binge eating?
Sweet baby Jesus in the sky, I do not want to hate myself. I do not want to loathe these last couple months because they've been full of clumsiness and bull-headedness and injuries and physical therapy and limping. I had a fabulous time icing my foot on the sofa while eating chocolate. I read some of the best books I've ever read. I have enjoyed some terrific times with my kids and my husband. The bigger belly I've been carrying around, and the shame of letting those around me down (I know I haven't really, but I can't shake that feeling) has been trying to pull me down and keep me down.
I have come to this blog with absolutely nothing productive to say. I do not have answers, I do not have much of a plan, I have not got some THING on the horizon that I am needing to lose weight for. I just have a lot of the same ol' frustration, anger, and humiliation that I've been dealing with since I was 12. It's a roller coaster ride I have never gotten off of. But I feel like I'm ready to just start chipping away at this a little at a time. No gimmicks. No challenges. No magic pills. No events to train for. Just me, my brain, my body, my heart. Maybe I can come back here tomorrow and have something positive to say, but for today my message is simple... Hello, my name is Pam, I love life, I don't always love myself, and I'm going to see what I can accomplish tomorrow.