Who Am I Kidding.......?

I haven't blogged in .......... geez.........quite awhile. I I used to try to get my thoughts down fairly often here, but I let that slide as I have so many things of late.

My adventure in overeating began when I was in high school - lotsa years ago, unfortunately.........! I thought I was "fat" when the scale tipped at 133 lbs, so I dieted, got a lot of compliments as I hit about 120 lbs.........and that was the start for me. I have dieted, and I've tried everything from fasting to Atkins to Optifast to Slimfast to managing myself to Weight Watchers. Over the years, I would stare aghast at the scale as I tried each new plan, each new way to try to get to where I thought I needed to be. My goal weights fluctuated as much as my "higher" weights.............. and each time I was determined to make *this* diet the *last* diet. Sound familiar???

I can't blame my highest weight on having kids.......... although after the births of each child, my "normal" weight never seemed to return. My highest pregnancy weight went to 202 lbs and I got down to the low 160's after that ............ only to not be satisfied there. I wanted to be back to the 130's and........well, you know how that merry-go-round works, don't you?

My highest weight was 238 lbs ...long about the time my DS (my last pregnancy) was 9 years old....... I was in a miserable marriage and was eating to make all the unhappiness "go away". It was then I joined Weight Watchers and ended up losing somewhere around 90 lbs. I was on my way to become a WW Leader............

..........but what hadn't changed was my mental self. AND.........it's what I still struggle most with.

Over those years (DS is now 26!) I have gained and re-lost hundreds of pounds, but have stayed in the range of about 163-183. I have realized some things..................... my goal weight has to be where I'm most comfortable, I'm much older now and the weight isn't going to just "drop off", and I need to *move* to help the process along. What I still struggle with is ........ well, struggling with weight at my age! I've been at this a very, very long time............ 43 years to be exact. I'm a nurse for crying out loud..........you'd think I'd have this down!!

I'm tired................tired of struggling...........tired of feeling like I have to "watch"......... tired of playing Russian roulette with the scale................tired of not being able to just eat what I want and not worry about that stupid number on that stupid scale. I can honestly say I love the essence of the person I am..........................bu
t I can be awful hard on that Lady In The Mirror (just ask her - she'll tell you!). I do NOT love the physical image yet that I see in that mirror........................
...............

..........I do not like that my clothes are once again too tight.

.........I do not like that I feel "too big".

........I do not like that I'm still an emotional eater and I get the "I don't cares" long about 9:00PM.........and give in more than I don't.

Somewhere I have to find the balance...................that fine line between being healthy, and being consumed by "needing" to lose weight.

I just read a blog entry by one of my SparkFriends who has lost a tremendous amount of weight but who is now struggling himself. If you get a chance go to this link and read.........he puts it so well..............

www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=5504739

In the meantime, I'm going to re-group, and perhaps get Mom2 to join me at Weight Watchers...........the support here on Spark is fantastic.........coupled with the success of a structure program, I'm thinking I just may get it "right" this time..........

Time will tell.