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Who Am I Kidding.......?

Sunday, October 06, 2013

I haven't blogged in .......... geez.........quite awhile. I I used to try to get my thoughts down fairly often here, but I let that slide as I have so many things of late.

My adventure in overeating began when I was in high school - lotsa years ago, unfortunately.........! I thought I was "fat" when the scale tipped at 133 lbs, so I dieted, got a lot of compliments as I hit about 120 lbs.........and that was the start for me. I have dieted, and I've tried everything from fasting to Atkins to Optifast to Slimfast to managing myself to Weight Watchers. Over the years, I would stare aghast at the scale as I tried each new plan, each new way to try to get to where I thought I needed to be. My goal weights fluctuated as much as my "higher" weights.............. and each time I was determined to make *this* diet the *last* diet. Sound familiar???

I can't blame my highest weight on having kids.......... although after the births of each child, my "normal" weight never seemed to return. My highest pregnancy weight went to 202 lbs and I got down to the low 160's after that ............ only to not be satisfied there. I wanted to be back to the 130's and........well, you know how that merry-go-round works, don't you?

My highest weight was 238 lbs ...long about the time my DS (my last pregnancy) was 9 years old....... I was in a miserable marriage and was eating to make all the unhappiness "go away". It was then I joined Weight Watchers and ended up losing somewhere around 90 lbs. I was on my way to become a WW Leader............

..........but what hadn't changed was my mental self. AND.........it's what I still struggle most with.

Over those years (DS is now 26!) I have gained and re-lost hundreds of pounds, but have stayed in the range of about 163-183. I have realized some things..................... my goal weight has to be where I'm most comfortable, I'm much older now and the weight isn't going to just "drop off", and I need to *move* to help the process along. What I still struggle with is ........ well, struggling with weight at my age! I've been at this a very, very long time............ 43 years to be exact. I'm a nurse for crying out loud..........you'd think I'd have this down!!

I'm tired................tired of struggling...........tired of feeling like I have to "watch"......... tired of playing Russian roulette with the scale................tired of not being able to just eat what I want and not worry about that stupid number on that stupid scale. I can honestly say I love the essence of the person I am..........................bu
t I can be awful hard on that Lady In The Mirror (just ask her - she'll tell you!). I do NOT love the physical image yet that I see in that mirror........................
...............

..........I do not like that my clothes are once again too tight.

.........I do not like that I feel "too big".

........I do not like that I'm still an emotional eater and I get the "I don't cares" long about 9:00PM.........and give in more than I don't.

Somewhere I have to find the balance...................that fine line between being healthy, and being consumed by "needing" to lose weight.

I just read a blog entry by one of my SparkFriends who has lost a tremendous amount of weight but who is now struggling himself. If you get a chance go to this link and read.........he puts it so well..............

www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=5504739


In the meantime, I'm going to re-group, and perhaps get Mom2 to join me at Weight Watchers...........the support here on Spark is fantastic.........coupled with the success of a structure program, I'm thinking I just may get it "right" this time..........

Time will tell.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FABAT402009
    Thought provoking blog Linda, hope one day you get to that place of happiness with the woman in the mirror.
    2485 days ago
  • BKWERM
    I do know that you have been struggling for a long time. Personally, I think you look great (at least in the photos you've posted) but it doesn't really matter what I think, does it? I hope the structure of WW helps you again. But I really think you need to do some soul searching because I truly think that you don't like the way you look because of something deeper inside of you. You are a wonderful person and a great and caring friend. We have your back. You can do this.

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    2489 days ago
  • NANABNANA11
    ahhh the "I don't cares"....they live at my house too. And honestly Linda, I don't feel that these struggles have anything to do with our intelligence....if it did we would all be perfect! emoticon emoticon
    One day at a time....we will overcome! xo
    2490 days ago
  • RUNNINGOMA
    So much I could relate to - especially that 9pm issue of not caring. That is prompting me to set my smart phone with a timer around that time with a motivational quote to hopefully stop myself in my tracks. emoticon
    2490 days ago
  • PKCTTS
    Reading this blog 3 minutes after realizing that the Hagen Daz I caved and ate has 580 freaking calories . . . really! . . . 1 cup of ice cream! . . . 580 calories!

    Loved the blog, hope you can make peace with yourself. emoticon


    2490 days ago
  • BARBSDUCK
    emoticon You are not alone in this struggle, gal! emoticon
    2490 days ago
  • JMOUSE99
    Thanks Linda. A lot of it is a familiar story for me as well.
    2491 days ago
  • RONI122
    Linda: I get it too. I feel all these same things. Dang! Why does it have to be so hard!
    At the same time I too decided I was heading back to WW. I need to be surrounded with as much support as I can get. This put this in the bag and get the party started!

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    2491 days ago
  • SPACEYSTACY
    Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate! I, too, struggle with the mental and emotional side of eating. Its a daily battle for me. I hope you find a plan that finally works for you!
    2491 days ago
  • VERA_LU
    I can really relate with your story - I too have been gaining and losing weight all of my life, and have jumped on all different kinds of diets. I think what you said about your mental self was vital - that is something that I work on all of the time. I think you will get it "right" this time. emoticon
    2491 days ago
  • GLASSART43
    Oh yes, Linda, emotional eating is a constant struggle for me too, even though I KNOW better!

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    2492 days ago
  • TAICHIDANCER
    I am convinced that for myself (and I'm only speaking for myself here) permanent weight loss will only be achieved when I understand all the reasons WHY I overeat Until I do all victories will be temporary. I have been working hard to do that psychological work and I think it is beginning to pay off. I wish the same for you and all our fellow "Sparklers." Best to you.
    2492 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4114604
    emoticon Linda......and just like you.....I don't like that my clothes 'once again' are feeling too tight.....wished I had the 'right answer' why it is so difficult to say 'No' to certain food.....or how to keep the weight off in the first place. Willpower is one of the things 'they say' you have to have......but I have been reading and researching so much over the past year or so...and there could be so many other reasons why 'one can't seem to lose the extra weight' that it makes me want to 'just give up' at times.....but just like you....I keep trying....and hoping for that one day where I can breathe in my clothes again! emoticon
    emoticon for sharing your story! emoticon
    2493 days ago
  • LADYJ6942
    Well put, it is a challenge that seems never ending. My trainer keeps pushing "green faces" which means it came from the ground and it once had a face. Eating food processed as little as possible. Some days are great and other days are horrible.

    Being an emotional eater and hitting the "I don't cares" suck!!!

    Hugs, you can do this and you are worth it.
    2493 days ago
  • STUDLEEJOE
    emoticon
    2493 days ago
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