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Something's Wrong

Friday, October 11, 2013

And I think it's me.

I hate to keep being such a bummer because I feel like it's not "me". I'm usually a pretty positive, laid-back, go with the flow kind of person- at least most of the time. But, the last month or so has brought me into what I initially characterized as a "funk", but now I'm worried it's something far deeper (or more serious) than that.

When I went through my last ToM, I was feeling emotionally unstable and out of control. A little research indicated, to me at least, the possibility that I was suffering from PMDD.
(There's some info if you've never heard or don't know what symptoms are) After that, I seemed to level out a little bit, but was sure I was still suffering some sort of iron deficiency, as I was experiencing fatigue for no real reason. So, I suffered through a few days, then obtained some chicken livers, and declared myself sufficiently "ironed". Usually does the trick. And I did feel a bit better. Still not back to my usual self, but close enough. I got back on birth control to help even further and to re-shrink my ovarian cyst that likes to make an appearance every so often.

And still I feel off. I feel low. Down. So, so sad. All the time. Do I have a reason to be? Well, yeah, but still...

See, one of my bff's from my time in San Diego and I had started drifting apart. Talking less and less. Interacting on Facebook less and less. Before I knew it, we weren't talking at all. So, finally, I decided to write her a note to let her know I don't know what happened, but that I missed her. It took her almost an entire month to write me back. In fact, her opening sentence was that she didn't even bother reading my note to her until that day [that she wrote me back]. Her note back to me was long, longer than the note I had written to her. And basically, in summary, she heaped ALL the blame for our slow separation entirely on me. I'm the a$$h0le friend. It was I who stopped responding to text messages. It was I who stopped responding to Facebook posts. It was I who didn't answer phone calls or make time to Skype. It was I who canceled dinner plans when I was in town during Comic Con (not true, by the way). It was I who didn't care enough to text her when she got sick that weekend to check up on her (she posted on Facebook every day her status/symptoms and I was at a huge convention with crappy cell service). So, all this time it was my fault. Do I really think it was? No. I never once ignored any of her text messages. I may not have been able to have a full-on conversation at the time I received them, but I certainly never ignored any of them. Skype didn't work out for us the one time we tried it (my laptop is SUPER old and can't seem to handle Skype). Do I take responsibility for my share of the drifting apart? Absolutely. I could have indeed made a better effort to keep in touch. But, am I the one that's completely to blame? No, that seems unfair. And I know this logically. But, in my seemingly depressed state, I feel so much guilt I may as well bear the burden of all the blame.

And then there's that "special friend" I mentioned before... Talk about painful. During this period of time (the last month or so) he has kinda dropped off my radar. We've been friends for years. Not bff's or anything, and a good chunk of time we haven't been much more than acquaintances since I lived in San Diego and he lived here. But, we've always considered each other friends, the kind that just easily pick up where they left off as if no time has elapsed. So, when we started unofficially dating in the most casual of ways possible, it was just kinda fun and almost natural (at least from my point of view). Hell, at first I think he was more into me than I was into him. But, over the months, we spent more time together and got to know each other even more and really, really enjoyed each other's company. Then this happened: www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
[Third to last paragraph- the bigger one]
After that, well... I dunno. He isn't the type of guy to let something like that bother him. In fact, he doesn't even know how I reacted to his birthday weekend. And he appeared to have a fabulous weekend/week all around to celebrate (entirely without me). So, I don't know if it's related or not, but it seemed to be a turning point. Now, I'm lucky if I can get the guy to send me more than 2 or 3 text messages in a week. He doesn't seem interested in talking to me at all, let alone spending any time with me. I know he's having a rough time at home. And his workload has increased quite exponentially. But, he won't even use me as a sounding board. And I know he talks to his other friends about stuff. He just won't talk to me at all.

I get the hint. I know I do. And I know I need to just let it go and move on, but damn is it painful. To be so rejected without closure of sorts. He could at least tell me he isn't that into me anymore. Or that he thought he liked me, but it turns out I'm an a$$h0le friend to him, too. And just when I realized how much I *really, really* liked him. I've spent the last 3 years of my life trying to shed the pain, anger, and damage from my last relationship (which was very emotionally and verbally abusive). And I was very happy to discover I was the exact opposite of what I had been told I was (by that abusive jerk). My "special friend" treated me better than I'd ever been treated in any relationship before and I didn't expect that at all. In many ways, I was taken aback by it. But, by the time of the birthday disaster (go back to that link if you don't understand that reference!) I had freed my inhibitions and opened myself up to be happy with "special friend". Maybe it was too late by then. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he really is struggling at home and with work. But, I'm already an a$$h0le friend to one person (two if you count my old bff/roommate Mike, who I miss dearly and have deep feelings of guilt related to how we parted), so it would make sense that I f***ed up with "special friend", too. And I probably did. But, I can't get him to talk to me long enough to tell me.

Oh, and an old friend from high school passed away on Sunday. It had been years since we communicated, but when we were in school together, we had been very close. Time and distance may have taken their toll, but it was still quite painful to lose him.

Now I find myself in a constant state of stress and depression. I have no job (yes, that's my fault, too) and no money (because I have no job which is my fault) and I'm struggling in chemistry class (and to some degree medical terminology, just not bad enough to effect my grade too much- yet) and I'm a jerk. I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I have no motivation to continue on with anything, really. I'll probably end up quitting tap dance (no money to pay for it). I have 8 weeks until my favorite 5k in San Diego and I don't even feel like training for it or even going to it.

This feels less like a funk and more like something very seriously horribly wrong.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JSPIN74
    HUGE hugs! You're having a crappy run of it lately...so of course you feel ill. I'm sorry that everything/one is crapping on you right now (even if you feel like some of it is validly your contribution to the occurrence). I have been (we all have been) where you are right now...battling through certain days/months/relationships. I hope you keep your chin up high & keep driving towards your own vision of contentment...because if you did you will get past this "character building" (hate that term but it fits) period. MORE big hugs... emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2726 days ago

    What a heartbreaking experience! You sound like a wonderful person, like could be a very good friend, and have tagged yourself the a$$hole based on how other (supposed) friends have made you feel. I've learned through experience some people enter our lives and just don't know how to be a good friend. For these "friends" who turn it to be all your fault, were not friends in the first place.

    This saddens my heart~I have lost an old school friend, by no fault of my own, and with little explaination. I couldn't wrap my mind around the loss and now someone close to him trying to "be my friend" is like salt in the wound. I miss talking to my friend.......

    Letting go is the hard part.....as a true friend, I tend to hold on to hope. It's when holding on hurts you, it maybe time to re evaluate what the friendship was really like :( It's never easy.
    2740 days ago
    As you know, these kinds of extended funks happen to me, too. It's so easy to look at all the things that are going wrong, or at all the ways you are "responsible" or whatever. I do exactly the same thing. Here are a few things that help me (sometimes):
    1. Make a list of what is bothering you (my list usually includes things like "I'm out of shape" and "my house is nasty").
    2. Figure out which ones you can do something about. As far as friendships go, you can only control your own reactions to things, and that seems like what you were doing with the note to your friend. You can't really control what happens with your "special friend" but you can be open and honest and available...
    3. Then make another list (lists really comfort me!) of actionable steps.
    4. Start knocking out the steps.

    You can only do what you can do, but at the same time, we are each responsible for our own happiness. Take care of yourself, Jill, and for what it's worth, I'm really sorry to have not been in closer touch the last few weeks, when you needed friends.
    2742 days ago
    Jilly !!


    It's no wonder your depressed and in a funk with all the emotional stress you've been experiencing this past month. We hope that our friends stay friends for life, but that isn't always the case. Relationships and friendships do change with time. people do grow apart and that really isn't a reflection on something bad that you did or didn't do. It just happens. Unfortunately, all of this seems to be happening to you at the same time.

    Basically, you're getting heaped on. What to do ? I would do your best to try to focus on that chemistry class. If you feel like you're struggling, it's time to get a tutor. For years, I wouldn't go to a tutor because I thought that going to one implied that I was dumb. No, I was dumb NOT to go to a tutor. Your school should have free tutoring services as part of your tuition. Take advantage of the tutors !! They can help you get back on track in chemistry. There is still plenty of time to improve your grade.

    Don't beat yourself up because your former friend blamed you for the breakup of your friendship. She obviously has her own set of issues and took out her frustrations on you. Don't take anything she said personally because she was venting. It's time to let her go and don't blame yourself. Like I said, people do grow apart. it happens.

    And definitely don't blame yourself because you don't have a job. Remember, I was laid off and out of work for 9 months before I finally got this contract job. The economy is in rough shape and you're not exactly in a boom town for jobs. It's not you. it's the economy. So, stop blaming yourself because you don't have a job. There are many people in worse situations. Look at all the things that are going right in your life.

    The fact is, you really have to do your best to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Focus on getting your chemistry studies. get a tutor. a good tutor can help. And an education will help you find a good job !!!


    2743 days ago
    Oh, Sweetie!
    I am so, so sorry you are in such pain! You are right to feel something is wrong! You most certainly clinically depressed (I have been there and my husband is there now)! You need to seek help for that and hand in hand the PMDD. I was a woman who suffered from what then was only called PMS but it was so much more! I am sure you would benefit from medication. Are you signed up for Obamacare...I know that is Jan but can atleast help then! I am sure there is sliding scale therapy you can get, too! As for you being an Ass*hole...give yourself a break! It takes two people...and if nothing else the others involved have chosen to be non communicative and not
    Being forthright in telling you the issue(s)! And that is not right! I know you are a good person...if you made mistakes anyone who is your friend owes you to tell you why, especially if you are asking! It is most important you take care of yourself right now and worry about these people when you feel strong enough to put the energy into saying, hey, I was going through some major issues (moving, job, death of your dear pet, money, etc) and if I offended you I am sorry. You do not owe more than that...if they choose to still ignore you or have no input for reuniting, then let it go and move on. You are a valuable person and you need to take care of yourself!!! I am here if I can be of any help/support!
    Love & Hugs,
    2745 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/11/2013 10:19:01 PM
    emoticon So sorry, Jill! It sounds like you have experienced more than your fair share of heartache lately. Friendships can be so complicated sometimes, and frankly it can just flat be hard to understand people at times. I hope that a little ray of sunshine pokes through the clouds very, very soon for you. In the meantime, please know that I am here for you.
    2745 days ago
    I'm so sorry, Jill. I think you are right, it sounds like more than just a funk. I hate to hear you so low! I hope that writing everything out has helped a bit. Do you have someone that you could talk to professionally? I'm sorry about your BFF and your special friend. I kind of want to kick special friend's butt! Let me know if I can do anything.

    You better come to IronGirl!! :)
    2745 days ago
    There are times like these that seem to tidal-wave us. Honestly, I understand more than I can say here. Try not to look at the big picture, which is overwhelming. One small part at a time. Oftentimes, I've noticed that people blame me for things as an easy way out of the friendship. They don't want to be bothered with friends.
    2745 days ago
  • KLONG8
    WHOA. I just found you today and I'm so sorry you're in this funk. But I totally identified with your surprising loss of a bff. I'm in the midst of something like that but at least my friend and I have talked about it. She feels that most of the blame is me, how I've dealt with things, etc. How I screwed up 30 years ago! (Yes, we've been friends that long). When I look at what's happened I see that most of the current issues come from her withdrawing from me. After all, how many times can you invite someone to do something, and to be told no, or have to deal with a last minute cancellation before things are damaged? Anyway, I'm thinking this sounds familiar to you because you're living it too.

    All I can say is that you try to own what you know is your bad but set yourself free on the points that were not your fault. And then understand (this is the hard part for me) that sometimes things change and you just have to ride that wave. I hope things get better for you...I believe they will. Take care....
    2745 days ago
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