Something's Wrong

And I think it's me.

I hate to keep being such a bummer because I feel like it's not "me". I'm usually a pretty positive, laid-back, go with the flow kind of person- at least most of the time. But, the last month or so has brought me into what I initially characterized as a "funk", but now I'm worried it's something far deeper (or more serious) than that.

When I went through my last ToM, I was feeling emotionally unstable and out of control. A little research indicated, to me at least, the possibility that I was suffering from PMDD.
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlinep
lus/ency/article/007193.htm (There's some info if you've never heard or don't know what symptoms are) After that, I seemed to level out a little bit, but was sure I was still suffering some sort of iron deficiency, as I was experiencing fatigue for no real reason. So, I suffered through a few days, then obtained some chicken livers, and declared myself sufficiently "ironed". Usually does the trick. And I did feel a bit better. Still not back to my usual self, but close enough. I got back on birth control to help even further and to re-shrink my ovarian cyst that likes to make an appearance every so often.

And still I feel off. I feel low. Down. So, so sad. All the time. Do I have a reason to be? Well, yeah, but still...

See, one of my bff's from my time in San Diego and I had started drifting apart. Talking less and less. Interacting on Facebook less and less. Before I knew it, we weren't talking at all. So, finally, I decided to write her a note to let her know I don't know what happened, but that I missed her. It took her almost an entire month to write me back. In fact, her opening sentence was that she didn't even bother reading my note to her until that day [that she wrote me back]. Her note back to me was long, longer than the note I had written to her. And basically, in summary, she heaped ALL the blame for our slow separation entirely on me. I'm the a$$h0le friend. It was I who stopped responding to text messages. It was I who stopped responding to Facebook posts. It was I who didn't answer phone calls or make time to Skype. It was I who canceled dinner plans when I was in town during Comic Con (not true, by the way). It was I who didn't care enough to text her when she got sick that weekend to check up on her (she posted on Facebook every day her status/symptoms and I was at a huge convention with crappy cell service). So, all this time it was my fault. Do I really think it was? No. I never once ignored any of her text messages. I may not have been able to have a full-on conversation at the time I received them, but I certainly never ignored any of them. Skype didn't work out for us the one time we tried it (my laptop is SUPER old and can't seem to handle Skype). Do I take responsibility for my share of the drifting apart? Absolutely. I could have indeed made a better effort to keep in touch. But, am I the one that's completely to blame? No, that seems unfair. And I know this logically. But, in my seemingly depressed state, I feel so much guilt I may as well bear the burden of all the blame.

And then there's that "special friend" I mentioned before... Talk about painful. During this period of time (the last month or so) he has kinda dropped off my radar. We've been friends for years. Not bff's or anything, and a good chunk of time we haven't been much more than acquaintances since I lived in San Diego and he lived here. But, we've always considered each other friends, the kind that just easily pick up where they left off as if no time has elapsed. So, when we started unofficially dating in the most casual of ways possible, it was just kinda fun and almost natural (at least from my point of view). Hell, at first I think he was more into me than I was into him. But, over the months, we spent more time together and got to know each other even more and really, really enjoyed each other's company. Then this happened: www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=5486662 [Third to last paragraph- the bigger one]
After that, well... I dunno. He isn't the type of guy to let something like that bother him. In fact, he doesn't even know how I reacted to his birthday weekend. And he appeared to have a fabulous weekend/week all around to celebrate (entirely without me). So, I don't know if it's related or not, but it seemed to be a turning point. Now, I'm lucky if I can get the guy to send me more than 2 or 3 text messages in a week. He doesn't seem interested in talking to me at all, let alone spending any time with me. I know he's having a rough time at home. And his workload has increased quite exponentially. But, he won't even use me as a sounding board. And I know he talks to his other friends about stuff. He just won't talk to me at all.

I get the hint. I know I do. And I know I need to just let it go and move on, but damn is it painful. To be so rejected without closure of sorts. He could at least tell me he isn't that into me anymore. Or that he thought he liked me, but it turns out I'm an a$$h0le friend to him, too. And just when I realized how much I *really, really* liked him. I've spent the last 3 years of my life trying to shed the pain, anger, and damage from my last relationship (which was very emotionally and verbally abusive). And I was very happy to discover I was the exact opposite of what I had been told I was (by that abusive jerk). My "special friend" treated me better than I'd ever been treated in any relationship before and I didn't expect that at all. In many ways, I was taken aback by it. But, by the time of the birthday disaster (go back to that link if you don't understand that reference!) I had freed my inhibitions and opened myself up to be happy with "special friend". Maybe it was too late by then. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he really is struggling at home and with work. But, I'm already an a$$h0le friend to one person (two if you count my old bff/roommate Mike, who I miss dearly and have deep feelings of guilt related to how we parted), so it would make sense that I f***ed up with "special friend", too. And I probably did. But, I can't get him to talk to me long enough to tell me.

Oh, and an old friend from high school passed away on Sunday. It had been years since we communicated, but when we were in school together, we had been very close. Time and distance may have taken their toll, but it was still quite painful to lose him.

Now I find myself in a constant state of stress and depression. I have no job (yes, that's my fault, too) and no money (because I have no job which is my fault) and I'm struggling in chemistry class (and to some degree medical terminology, just not bad enough to effect my grade too much- yet) and I'm a jerk. I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I have no motivation to continue on with anything, really. I'll probably end up quitting tap dance (no money to pay for it). I have 8 weeks until my favorite 5k in San Diego and I don't even feel like training for it or even going to it.

This feels less like a funk and more like something very seriously horribly wrong.