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Seeking the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Friday, October 25, 2013

So, very few developments have occurred since my last blog. Sorry. One being that the only emotion I seem capable of experiencing for the time being is sadness (with a smidge of disappointment and frustration mixed in for good measure). Sadness at everything- feeling so lonely, feeling so isolated, feeling abandoned and rejected. I have yet to go a day without weeping. For good measure I found this blog/webcomic (blomic?) that seems to kinda reflect my state of being lately:



(Oh, yeah, um... strong language warning. But, it has a purpose, it's not just for the sake of dropping f-bombs.)

Granted this person is a bit more extreme and has experienced these issues for far, far longer than I have, the "blomic" is sorta, well, me... And the rest of this blog refers to these two "blomics" so you may want to read them to understand the references. At least you'll be entertained.

I'm not suicidal, so that isn't me. Also, I haven't turned to any sort of self-abuse or self-hatred. And the day I realized I didn't have any other feelings in me (just sadness, etc.) I didn't feel liberated or invincible at all. Actually, I was sort of alarmed, but mostly just burdened by it. I know I can feel feelings because I've felt them before, and to suddenly not be able to was something terrible. I felt like an empty shell of person- a husk. Yeah, I felt like the corn husk wrapper of a delicious tamale that once had cooked masa encasing some sort of spicy meat, and if you got the *really* good tamales, a slice of potato and an unpitted green olive in there, too. That delicious inside was gone and all that remained was the useless, inedible wrapper. And it made my sadness feel more intense (probably why I can't stop crying anymore). The "blomic" said it pretty great: there's a huge difference between not giving a f*** and not being able to give a f***.

Now, before you all get to thinking I'm dooming myself and that maybe because I keep complaining about it that I really WANT to be depressed (let's face it, there are people out there that really, actually think that- but, can't you see how dead these fish are?!) I have been working on crawling my way out of this pit. I attended church for the first time in a long time on Sunday and found the experience favourable. If I had feelings to feel I'd have likely enjoyed it. I plan to go back. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and prayer. And, my friend Leah (SPRING4FAL) has been wonderful and emailing me regularly... we've been sort of doing our own little Bible study so to speak between us. I have found this to be very comforting, if not for the things I know I'm capable of and that God knows I'm capable of, but at the most basic level for having someone care enough to reach out to me in such a big way.

I also went to my general practitioner this past week, and while she doesn't seem to think my problem is, erm... "real depression"? I guess... I'm not sure how to say it... basically she believes my sadness is due to a series of situations that I have control over and that I'm fully able to control my emotions and change my situation to pull myself out of this "funk". She kept saying it's a "personality problem" which I know logically she meant it's something that I'm in control of and can change- but, when worded that way just made it sound like she thought I'm some sort of jerkface a-hole that repels people in my life and it's my own fault I'm depressed. And I did make an effort to fix a few of the things that have occurred recently that have contributed [back on birth control, reached out to my friend, attempted to reestablish regular communication with "special friend"] Not much I can do beyond that.

Luckily I'm smart enough to realize she's a general practitioner/internist, so psychology would not be her area of expertise. So, I went to my school psychologist the next day. Thanks to the student health fees we're all required to pay every semester no matter what, even if we have our own health coverage, the counseling services at school are "free" for enrolled students. They're just meant for short-term counseling, really, but at least it's a start. I was very comfortable with the counselor there and she really wants me to come back. Since her area of specialty IS psych related, she was a little more kind in her initial impressions of me. Of course, she won't be diagnosing me with anything or making any assumptions until after a much deeper, thorough assessment, so I'll be seeing her regularly the rest of the semester.

In the meantime, chemistry still stresses me out. Medical terminology is interesting for like 5 minutes and then I get pretty bored. I should have done an online class for that.

Today I got a haircut. It had been a really long time since I did and feeling like a shaggy, overgrown mullet-coiffed Sasquatch was certainly not helping my sadness. I'm lucky to have a friend that cuts my hair and not just someone at a salon. So, I got my haircut and instantly felt a little boost (she told me, if you can't change your mood, change your hair- and it's SO TRUE). And of course, I had casually mentioned I was down and since we're friends and Facebook friends she just asked outright, "Jill, are you lonely?" And I burst into tears (as usual) and said, "Of course I am." And she said, "I'm lonely, too. Maybe we should hang out more so we don't have to be so lonely all the time." So, I think we're going to try to establish a weekly day where we just hang out and do something- go grab a coffee, go for a drive, go on an adventure, go to the store... something. It's nice to have someone actually want to spend time with me. She has an adorable son (who is starting to call me "auntie") so it'll be nice to have him around, too. He's a sweetheart and I love my friends' kids.

This weekend my BFF is coming to visit me from L.A. I have been communicating with her fairly regularly about all this stuff, too, and I think she's really worried... worried enough to make a 4 hour drive here to see me. So, it'll be nice to see her, too.

Every once in a while, an emotion comes outta nowhere and surprises me that it's still trying to hang on, so I'm hoping that light at the end of the tunnel is just having it's bulb replaced and that I'll be seeing it soon enough.

And here I am as an adorable black cat in the 1st grade. For Halloween. I'm not some weirdo that just dresses up as a cat for no real reason (*cough*yesIam*cough*)

And this collection is why I've concluded I NEED to own a pug. Especially the Teen Wolf Pug. That was the best.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry for the late comment but I haven't checked in on Sparkpeople and read blogs since before Halloween (pathetic) and have just been tracking from my iPhone app. I just wanted to comment on this because I really feel for you and am worried about you. There have been times in my life that I have felt very sad, overwhelmed, and alone. I just wanted to tell you, this too shall pass. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, talk to your counselor, and keep exercising (always helps me improve my frame of mind)...and at some point things WILL get better. Another thing that always helps me is FORCING myself to get out of the house! Whether it's just to take a walk, or grab coffee with a friend (old or new) - just try to get out and not be home alone as much. I know that's hard with your car situation. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

    2717 days ago
    P.S. I loved your kid picture...how sweet!
    2724 days ago
    My dear Jillybean...I have been there and I understand. And I have had the "you could have the world by the tail" comments made to me in the middle of a deep depression, that not only did not help, but I could not believe was even said! It is so hard to believe it will pass, get better, etc, but it will! You are doing great positive things...going to student counselling, reaching out to others and to find they, too, have similar feelings! You have had a number of things that have produced alot of stress in your life and it adds up!
    If I can be of any help, please let me know, I am here! I know I am older but, that is why I can tell you, I get it, I have been there!
    Love & Hugs,
    2724 days ago
    It's weird, I read those 'blomics' (clever word for them) earlier this year, and although I understood what the writer was talking about, I simply was too busy laughing my ass off at her incredible humor over the whole thing. Reading through it again today though, understanding that you're going through a lot of what the blogger was describing, really moved me. It's funny that the doctor somewhat dismissed your depression as something you had control to fix... every overweight person here who struggled in deep sadness for years about their body can attest, the sadness is what handcuffs us into a general state of apathy, inactivity, a place where either we care and go insane because we can't stop ourselves... or we just stop caring altogether. So to say that we have control over it is a misrepresentation of what's actually happening. Anyways. I'm totes friending you. :-D Then I'm going to go read more of those hilarious blomics, I recall there's one that almost made me pee myself... true story. :-D
    2724 days ago
    I feel really horrible because for some reason I didn't see this blog over the weekend and therefore did not comment. Please don't take my late comment as a lack of caring! As you probably saw from my last blog, I understand some of what you are going through. I have been there a little this past month. I wish we lived closer because I would take you out with me on one of my fall workouts in the sunshine. They do wonders for my soul! It sounds like you are on the right track. A haircut and getting some friend time is a wonderful start. And for the record, I can't believe how mean your doctor was! Hang in there girl! emoticon
    2724 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6307291
    Hope the second counselor is a better fit for you and helps you through the sadness you are feeling. Good that your haircutting friend is reaching out and you will be able to schedule some time together. kids are always a source of joy, and usually entertainment too!!!! they have such a refreshing outlook on life! Best of luck, Jill. emoticon

    Black cats aren't always bad luck either....
    2728 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/25/2013 2:16:46 PM
    Oh, Jilly - I am so sorry to know that you are feeling all this sadness. I have been there and would encourage you to:
    1. Get a 2nd opinion on depression. You sound to me like a "classic" case. No I don't have a degree, but I have had a couple of episodes of organic depression. There is medication that can help you.
    2. Remember: He will never leave you.

    2728 days ago
    It is well with you.
    2729 days ago
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